One can either read and hear news about wealthy celebrities almost everywhere in entertainment or in business world, about their extravagancies, stupidities and the slightest whereabouts, or who-meets-who, etc. Some are nothing but the highest level of stupidity with negative degree of integrity and social value, like Jon and Kate Gosselin, providing sharp contrast when we celebrate over 100 years philanthropy of Andrew Carnegie, a Scottish industrialist, businessman, entrepreneur, and a major philanthropist.

Carnegie’s life was divided into two major phases — (1) making money (2) giving away money. He devoted his last 20 years to philanthropy, the true lasting legacy to the future generation of humanity, without which he would not have been so much adorned and admired world wide. There are plenty of Carnegie quotes, of which the following are my favorites:

“Man does not live by bread alone… It is the mind that makes the body rich. There is no class so pitiably wretched as that which possesses money and nothing else. Money can only be the useful drudge of things immeasurably higher than itself… My aspirations take a higher flight… to have contributed to the enlightenment and the joys of the mind, to the things of the spirit,… I hold this the noblest possible use of wealth.”

“The amassing of wealth is one of the worse species of idolatry. No idol more debasing than the worship of money.”

I want my children to always keep in mind — a person is a selfish nothing, if he/she is no value to the greatest majority of people.

On Tuesday evening, after calling my family in Beijing, I was mulling over this question. The next day the same question still hangs around in my head. I learned of one mother’s extraordinary way of helping her child. She realizes the limitation of her teaching and influence on her adult child, especially when the child is far away from home. She is also keenly aware of the randomness of fate and so many things that are beyond human control, subject to forces outside us. Therefore, instead of doing nothing, she seeks every opportunity to do good deeds, believing “good deeds will eventually yield good returns” — the typical Buddist law of moral causation. The more good deeds she performs, the more good turns will visit her child. It is true as long as you believe it. Another mother works her head off to accumulate wealth so that her child will have enough to live on.

I shared this with my daughter on our way to her art class yesterday evening. She said the first child should do the good thing himself. “Gee, I never thought of this,” said I. “It is so obvious. Since this is for his good, he should do it to get the good return,” she answered. On the second mother, my daughter thought it so pathetic. “You certainly have a different view from mine,” I commented. “It’s because you are different,” said she.

For me, I don’t have much money and have not accumulated plenty of good deeds for them to enjoy Karma effects. I am, in my own quiet way, plodding and blogging everyday, so that years later when they have time and feel the need, they will have something to read and hopefully to benefit. I have no doubt every mother has her unique way in what she can do for her children.

Yesterday afternoon, right before my daughter started skating, I asked her to set a goal for this practice session. I was thinking of my 10/7 posting on “Task-Oriented vs Time Oriented.” I asked her to focuse on one particular task as her goal for that afternoon. After an hour’s practice she came out of the rink, feeling a bit frustrated over her lack of progress. I could see the same pattern reappear — practice, frustration, practice again, … finally giving up.

I told her life could be seen as a constant process of goal-setting, reaching, re-setting, and reaching again. That is how we progress and how we jump and leap to a higher order of existence. Failure to reach your goal or giving up half-way without reaching the destination, even if it is a minor one, is very symbolic and significant. Because if you do not have the steel in your character to carry you through a minor goal, how can you expect to achieve something big? In fact, these daily minor goals are like the building block for the bigger goal in life. The accumulated effect of minor failure will lead to a major one. Don’t take it lightly, no matter how minor it may seem.

My children are all very familiar with a person that I have told them many times. He started Ph.D program the same time as I did in 1986, but gave it up after spending 11 years on it. You can make it a classic example of many things — procrastination, lack of self-discipline, poor time management, lack of efficient study method, and failure in goal-setting. I am sure he would have a totally different result if he had set goals and followed them through religiously.

Yesterday morning I drove my daughter to Union Station for another Saturday monthly science seminar. The topic is on wind power, a comprehensive approach to delivering affordable energy to Kansas City, a look at wind power vs other forms of energy by Joe Medina from KCPL. Very interesting lecture!

After the lecture I drove my daughter from Union Station to her volunteer work. From Pershing and Main to somewhere east of 435 highway I drove through streets and neighborhoods which I had never been before. Good thing I was not alone. I said to my daughter sitting in the back, “It gives me an uneasy feeling to wade through the unfamiliar place. I feel sort of uncomfortable seeing the new surroundings.” She did not share my sentiment, which is a good thing, considering our age difference.

A Chinese saying goes “gu tu nan li” — It is hard for one to leave the place where one has lived for a long time. The saying not only emphasizes the attachment one develops to a familiar location, but also implies another part of it, the hardship of breaking out of one’s comfort zone to enter into the unknown, the one I just mildly experienced. It takes certain degree of mind power and initiative to rough through the process.

I remember the 26-year-old nephew recalled painfully how miserable he was in the first three months of his stay in the US, living with a non-Chinese roommate. He started feeling comfortable after he moved in with three Chinese students. One would think young people fare well in adapting to new environments. Not automatically. One does need something extra, regardless of age, to make a comfortable adjustment.

One can understand mothering as acting as mother, giving tender, loving and nurturing care to the child by someone in the role of mother. This someone can be either mom or dad. One would assume one would not go wrong, at least not too far wrong, as long as one acts out of love. Wrong assumption.

As with everything that is supposedly to be good or out of good intention, it definitely goes to its opposite if one overdoes it. And even if one believes one acts out of genuine maternal love, one should realize that it takes some grain of wisdom to bring about desirable result, regardless of one’s initial intention.

Here are the damages brought upon by over-mothering or mothering without the support of adequate wisdom. I see too many examples of over-mothering and think it necessary to dedicate a posting on this topic.

(1) Do as much as one can for the children even if the children can do it, depriving children the opportunities to learn and do by themselve. A child can never develop into a strong and capable adult if he/she is protected like a little chick, always under the wing of the hen.

(2) Show over-concern and over-attention when assigning a task to a child. Such over-concern reveals more distrust than anything else, deflating whatever self-confidence that child might have in the first place.

(3) When a mother throws a strong figure, exercising control, influence and authority, or anything opposite to democratic style, the end result is a flat wimpy loser, which is the reflection of a failed parenting. So tragically true.

(4) Beyond age 3, any babying, pampering, cradling, in the name of love, serves more for mother’s psychological or emotional need for being hugged and cradled than that of the child. More than anything else, a child needs a psychologically healthy parent to grow into a normal healthy adult.

Alas, I have more than ever before realized so much is needed to be a good and wise parent and so few of them are seen in real life.

Here’s a song that I once heard while I was in China.

Happy October the first — China’s National Day! 60th birthday of People’s Republic of China 1949 — 2009, still a young republic.

Occasionally I touch topics on public figures and public service. Make no mistake I am by no means condemning any politician or political party. My sole intention has been and will always be showing to my children, hoping they will be able to avoid such public misbehavior.

I believe inexperienced people are more likely to incur a life-long regret simply out of one tiny inattentive oversight or a slip of tongue. When such simple slip plays into the hands of one’s political adversaries, it could be used as powerful political ammunition to totally sabotage one’s agenda. And in the case of Obama, the healthcare for all Americans heads the list of his agenda. In Chinese, one suffers the loss of a major because of a minor — yin xiao shi da. This, as a parent, is what I want my children to learn.

Today is Thursday, the day before Friday, the day of piano lesson.
After her art class moved to Wednesday evening, my daughter started participating in a volunteer activity on Saturday morning. Besides art class on Wednesday evening, she has piano lesson on Thursday evening, figure-skating on Friday evening, and work with her coach on Sunday afternoon. Most of the Chinese children here have at least one music and one sport lesson, some having art lesson. Busy schedule.

When I hear some people saying it was too much for parents to run around children, I think of the fact that neither parents nor the children are having easy time with these activities. Let’s just view it as an inseparable part of growing pain. Worry not and complain not. Keep in mind this –your children will soon leave home before you wake up to it. Enjoy their company and appreciate their efforts while they are around you. Parents, hang on there. Life is tough for them, too.

My daughter had her braces removed on 9/3/2009. After that she is supposed to wear a retainer full time, which is to keep the moved teeth in their new places. I told her again and again not to place retainer on a napkin. Instead, place it in her case when she is not wearing it. On 9/15, she called from school telling me that she had by accident thrown into trash can her retainer, a cost of a few hundred dollars in less than two weeks.

I rushed to her school, trying to salvage it, but too late. I made an appointment for the next day to get a replaced one. But as a lesson for her, I insisted on her paying for the replacement, which she agreed. During the office visit the next day, her doctor, upon learning that she herself had to pay for her retainer, asked,

“How are you paying for it?”
“I will find a job,” she said.
“Oh, I’m sorry for you. You know what, I’m going to give you a discount this time. You will only pay $50. But if you lose it again, you have to pay it all by yourself,” the kind doctor said.
“Thank you,” my daughter said with all smiles on her face.

It means 80% saving. Only it took me three trips out of office for this accident. Still I am glad it turns out this way and also happy that she learns a dear lesson that doesn’t cost dearly.

Recently, I read an article from New York Times, called “For the Overweight, Bad Advice by the Spoonful,” by Gina Kolata. It starts with this statement, “Nearly two-thirds of the United States population is overweight.”

The article reminds me of what my son told me after he got back from China. He saw many people with overweight issue even among our relatives, so much as that people considered him to be skinny there. I have also seen some of my relatives who indulge their children with whatever they want to indulge. Imagine the consequence of such irresponsible parenting.

Actually my children are neither over nor under weight, being right in the middle. Still, I would like to send this message to both of them, reminding them of possible health hazards inflicted by those extra pounds, especially around one’s waistline.

Here are some examples of health dangers related to excess body fat
- 80 percent of type 2 diabetes patients are obese
- 70 percent of coronary heart disease and stroke is related to obesity
- 42 percent of breast and colon cancer patients are obese
- Gallstones occur approximately 3 times more often in obese than in non-obese patients.
- 26 percent of obese patients have elevated blood pressure
- The psychological impact of overweight can never be overestimated.
- Extra fat can make one look a decade older than one’s biological age.
- One feels tired easily when one needs to carry the extra pounds around.

Wide waistline is particularly dangerous. An overweight woman with a waist 35 inches or larger, or an overweight man with at least a 40-inch waist, is at increased risk for diabetes and heart disease.

One last word specially for parents. “Studies of obese adults show a strong connection between body weight in childhood (or adolescence) and weight in adulthood. In short, obese children are more likely to grow up into obese adults.” It is up to the parents to make sure that their children do not end up being one of the 2/3 population.