Last Sunday a friend of mine called from Alabama. She told me something more pathetic than funny.

She knows a couple whose child used to work in Seattle area. The couple told their child that they would move to Seattle just to be near to the child. As they were planning on the move, the child told them he was going to move to east coast due to a job transfer.

It is perfectly understandable when the aging parents want to live closer to their children. Yet, the children have their own career and lives. It is simply not feasible to follow the younger generation whenever they make a move.

I cannot laugh when I see myself as one of them.

On Saturday morning, I took my daughter to Union Station for a high school science seminar. This time the topic was on global warming. It was exciting seeing so many high schoolers gathering here. Every time I talk to my son over the phone, I always have this overwhelming sense of campus life, imagining his college life full of young blood, activities, competitions, fun and friends. By contrast, it must be super boring to return to his Kansas home, without anything to brighten his day or lift up his spirit. Our worlds are not just far apart, but also vastly different. Not much we can do to narrow the gap. Still, we will have him coming back for a brief Thanksgiving break, a nice little break before he will hurl full speed toward the big finals.

One of our relatives is coming to visit us. Her son plans to meet his mother at Chicago airport by driving there with his friend. But the young man’s uncle is displeased, because he wants to go with his nephew. The young man must believe it is so much fun being with his friend instead of having his uncle around, truly reminding me of my son. My only concern is I don’t trust the young man’s driving and it would save us lots of trouble if she could get off the plane in Kansas. Otherwise, it is better to let young people have their fun in their own world. Of course, it takes some maturity and a lot of common sense to understand, accept and appreciate the young people’s world.

On 11/16, this Monday evening, I talked to a relative of mine over the Skype, whose son is currently in the US. To be sure, she is greatly concerned over her adult child. “I am determined not to support him any more after his graduation,” said she. She further asked me what I thought of it. I told her, “Well, it is not proper for me to say anything to him since he is a 26-year-old adult.”

“Say it to him. Say whatever you want to say to him. Don’t be afraid. You should give him a lesson. He doesn’t listen to me, but he will listen to you.” Quickly came her encouragement. She thought I would not say anything because he was not my child. She missed my point by a wide margin. Even if I am his senior, he is not a child and we are equal in this sense. To be sure, he is not far from being 30, I need to respect him and should not volunteer my advice as if he were a little kid willingly accepting lectures from adults. We parents should have left him alone even after his college graduation.

My relative’s attitude reminds me of my experience with my parents after I reached adulthood. I don’t want to play that role myself. I remember clearly how resentful I was when my parents lectured me and still treated me as less-than-adult even in my early 20s. Not until I left for America did I finally enjoy freedom from parental lectures and supervision, though most of them were given out of their loving hearts. Out of respect for them, I often just listened and made no comments. Outside home, I enjoyed conversations with other adults who treated me as equal. A friend of mine here told me how unpleasant she felt when her parents continued talking down to her like she were a child each time she went back to China. For this reason, she doesn’t want to go back to her parents.

From my own experience, I believe strongly in treating adult children as equal, with due respect and trust them, letting them make their own decisions and go on their own life’s journey. Trust me they will respect you more because of this.

At the point when my daughter is entering high school, I feel it time to do some cleaning, that is, removing from the house things that might never be touched at any point by anybody in near future.

Children outgrow not only clothes but also and mostly toys and books. I did a cleaning of toys when my daughter entered middle school, leaving only clothes and books in her room. Now another one is due.

I bought from China boxes of Chinese books, both pictures, easy-reading ones, hoping someday they would read them. By now, I have been very disappointed.

Lately, I have been debating in my mind whether to donate them to the high school where Chinese is taught or keep them, hoping and waiting for them to wake up someday, wishing to learn Chinese, for whatever reason.

Maybe I should long ago get rid of these books so that I do not harbor any illusion of their ever desiring to learn Chinese. Maybe I would not have felt disappointed if I had not hoped for them to learn.

Last Monday, 8/17, after the first day of school, on the way home, I talked to my daughter about picking up her Chinese. She finally agreed to invest 15 minutes per day on Chinese. I promised her she would be surprised by the progress she would made just by 15-minute a day on Chinese.

I realize at some point, parenting means accepting and reconciling your hopes and expectations with the reality. This way everybody can live happily ever after.

I know of a parent who has tried to keep her child in the dark about any fights or disagreement among the two adults in the household for fear of alienating the child from the faulty parent or exposing negative side of another adult.

I think as soon as the child is mature enough to understand, we parents should not hide anything from the child. As I once told my children, “You hear nothing but truth from me.” Otherwise, the child will feel hurt for not being trusted to be informed or feel cheated.

Understandably, we parents all wish to shield our children from any negative or unpleasant side of life. Too bad we do not live in a perfect world. It is our responsibility to prepare our children for the not-so-perfect reality of the world, so that they will be better equipped mentally, emotionally and psychologically when they are on their own. Or they will know how to avoid or how to handle a fight or a similar situation. Otherwise, how can they learn to be wise?

For example, sometimes when I feel hurt over a disrespectful remark, I make sure both of my children are aware of it. I don’t really care what they think but I do want them to understand that disrespectful remarks do hurt people. Of course, they do care when I feel hurt. I feel so blessed afterwards.

Another parenting tip from me.

An adult relative of ours always leaves a big mess wherever he goes. He surely does it with a vengeance. I came to understand him after his own explanation. He often talked about his mother’s obsession over order and cleanness, “Our house is not a resident place. It is like a hotel.” Commenting on his own messy habit, he said, “I deliberately do no cleaning at all simply because my mother has been over-concerned about being clean.”

He certainly demonstrates a rebellious mentality — the more you nag about cleanness, the more I will go the other direction, just to upset you. Sometimes I cannot help thinking about it, perhaps because I see something similar in our household or because it makes me think about parenting in general. To be sure, cleanness is a good habit, but what makes someone growing up in a spotless house so much hate this good habit? Aren’t we parent responsible for this negative attitude?

Dear me, it takes so much wisdom to be a good parent and good parents are so much in short supply!

My son seemed to have a good time there, relaxing, eating profusely and going out nearly everyday with one of his relatives in south, spending time with the grandparent, being able to remain in contact with his friends here.

Expectedly, the grandparent was full of nice words for her grandson and only wished he could stay there longer.

I am glad that he has no problem communicating with people and has been safe and sound so far. He was on the train to Beijing Monday evening and arrived there this morning.

So far I don’t have any detail of his stay in south as it is not convenient for us to talk over the internet. I wish he could keep a journal of his trip, at least keep track of his weight and waistline.

The total cost of her hospitalization and surgeries exceeded $40,000. As a graduate student existing on scholarship, this seemed an insurmountable amount. We were told there was a federal aid that we could apply. It is called alien emergency medical aid. So we applied and had Uncle Sam covered everything.

The grandmother spent the rest of her visit trying to recover from the illness. By May 1990, after she was fully recovered, they went back to China.

During the fall of 1990, I was teaching at our sociology department, taking care of my son, working on my dissertation, with another adult suffering from frequent gallstone attacks ever since. I tried to get my mother over and help me shouldering some of the burden.

My mother was in her late 50s and still in good health. But she was rejected many times, with this or that excuse. Finally she was told frankly by the embassy not to come again because, “Your daughter, with her son, does not have the ability to sponsor you or anyone.” My mother was hugely puzzled because she had not even told the embassy that I was married, “How did they know you are married and even have a son?”

The puzzle was explained later when a friend revealed to me what an immigration lawyer told her, it was the $40k government money that disqualified me as a sponsor. “Don’t think it easy to get money from government. It will come back to you in some form, unfortunately.” That’s why she paid for her mother’s medical cost when her mother broke her hip bone.

It was nearly 20 years since their visit. It was one of those hard times for me until my son was big enough to go to a babysitter in July 1991. When looking back, I don’t know what to say. If I feel anything, I only feel amazed over myself. I can’t believe I was so tough and so great, being able to pull through this ordeal. I am going to tell my children this is a must-read chapter in my life.

The end. Yes, everything must end, finally.

Thirdly, I was consumed with flu, probably from sleep-deprivation, cold and overly exhaustion with taking care of the sick baby and hospital visits. You cannot imagine how chaotic it was and how exhausted I was during those days.

Lastly, the grandmother ended up in hospital within one month of her arrival in US — the rupture of her gallbladder and was in hospital for nearly two months.

Why was it so long? When the grandmother was in hospital and receiving infusion for her daily nutrients after operation, the hospital sent her easy-to-digest food, hoping she could gradually start using her own digestive system and wean off the IV bag.

After a few days, the nurse saw the meals were all eaten, assuming the grandmother could intake food by herself. So they took away IV bag from her. It turned out the grandfather was the one who finished all the meals on her behalf. The nurse had to re-port the nutrient infusion and more trouble followed.

An accident occurred during the second IV infusion, causing air to enter into her thorax cavity. Another operation had to be carried out to extract the air out of her thorax.

To be continued tomorrow…

P.S. Today is Saturday. We went to a friend’s house in the evening. They have three children, only the youngest one was home with her friend. My daughter did not go with us as she was at her friend’s house.

Here’s a bit of historical fact for my children, my version and explanation of what actually happened.

This happened in December 1989 when my son was nine months old. His paternal grandparents missed both their only son and only grandson very much, so I sponsored them to visit us in US. Within one month of their arrival, everybody was sick except the grandfather.

First, the other adult suffered for the first time in many years gallstone attack, probably from the combination of cold weather, food, and exhaustion from long-distance driving (from New York back to Ohio). To appease the pain, the grandma gave him the maximum dosage of a Chinese pain killer, resulting in his inability to urinate. Hence I drove him to ER (emergency room) twice for gallstone and urinary retention and one urologist office visit, all in one day.

Second, the grandparents threw upon the nine-month-baby with many thick wool-sweaters with room temperature over 80 degrees Fahrenheit, as the result of the vast difference in temperature indoor and outdoor, the baby, not used to so many layers of clothes, was stricken down with high fever, pneumonia plus bronchitis, and asthma as the sequela, which lasted for six years.

The grandmother gave the baby adult dosage for his bronchitis, causing him hard-to-breathe and super-hyper in the middle of the night. He was crying out of exhaustion but could not calm down and sleep. I was carrying him, rocking him and walking around the room. For he would cry if I stopped walking around, so I dragged my tired and heavy feet, walking till he was quiet and asleep, so that everybody could sleep, except me. That was a very long night.

To be continued tomorrow…

See my first one on the topic in June this year,

http://momwrite.com/2009/06/off-the-line-get-a-life-and-be-an-active-player/

I heard more than one parents complaining of their children — get on the computer right out of the bed and off it right before they go to bed, even with a strong addiction and the violent resistance to any attempt of disciplining their computer time. More computer time means less time for book-reading, doing things other than computer-related, and less family interaction, etc. My children are no exception.

Good thing about my children is they are not reason-proof. I talked and talked about restricting computer time with one of my children and have finally hammer out an agreement — no computer while we are not home with all PC password-locked. I will unlock it after I get home. Even with that, the child needs to take a 10-minute break after 30-minute computer time.

Indeed, as we are just told of Google Books Library Project, Facebook Lite, and the promise of new technologies churned out everyday, it is absolutely impossible to totally cut off the line when we live through the era of boundless internet possibilities. Before the children know how to make good use of their time and tap into this technology, we parents have to be firm in setting the rules and regulations regarding computer usage, just as the traffic police are out there watching us drunk and driving adults. We all have to live with some kind of rules.

Yesterday evening after we got back from a friend’s house, I got online chatting with one of my relatives. Her child will graduate from college next year. She wants her son to go for graduate school in US, but the boy is not as anxious to go as his mother is.

I told my sister that it was better to let him decide what he would do upon graduation. “Let him decide and take responsibility, since he is already an adult.” She said, “If I let him make decision, he would play away his time. I have only one child, where shall I use this money if I don’t spend it on him? I consider it as investment in his future.” But the important part is he himself must invest too, that is, investing two years of time. Unless he is motivated to work hard, he might let go not only his parents’ huge amount of money but also two years of his valuable time.

I have long before made it known to my children that my financial support to them ends with the end of their 4-year college education. Beyond that, they are on their own. When they have grown up, if I still play the role of financial pillar to them, I only serve to deflate their will to strike out on their own, which is a disservice to them in essence.

Don’t take it as mean or over-thrifty or what. My children understand that I might not have a large sum left for them but I have, to the best of my ability, given to them something more valuable than wealth — that I have devoted as much time to them as possible and have instilled in them the will and the drive to achieve on their own — the intangible value that no money can buy.

Last weekend, I talked to my son over the phone about his trip to China this coming Saturday. He was a bit concerned over balancing his days in two places that he will visit — his paternal and maternal side of families, exactly a week on each place, showing no favor on neither side. I came to realize that I had instilled too much of this balancing on him to shatter whatever he planned to do.

I remember he was talking about what gifts he should bring back to everybody, that it would not look good if he missed anybody in gift-giving, etc. When I asked his paternal family what they wanted him to bring back to everybody, they realized it was going to be too costly on our side. The choice was either bring back plenty of gifts for everybody or nothing. So the paternal grandma who understands the burden of a college kid on our household, decided, “Since he is still a child, just come back without bringing back anything, so that nobody has anything to complain about.”

But his cousin on maternal side is going to have his 21 birthday while he is in Beijing. And my son, who spent over a year with this cousin, is at loss as whether or not he can bring to him a birthday gift. I asked the other adult in the household who said, “If he brings anything to this cousin, he must also bring something for another cousin [on the paternal side]. Otherwise, people will talk.”

I feel thoroughly rotten by now. I feel like slapping my own face, not too hard though. In fact, there is no right or wrong and he can do whatever he wants without having to ask us. I am totally to blame for this. This is the failure of my education of him when I myself make efforts to please both sides and still hear people complaining.

It is totally unnecessary and unfair for my son to balance all this. This is what I finally told him, “Don’t always compromise or accommodate yourself too much in order to build consent. Very often in our lives, in our desperate effort to please everybody, we bend ourselves too much, as the result we are more likely to lose ourselves and become an instrument in the hands of others. Do what you feel like as long as you think it right.”

My heart misses a beat or two every time I read about a dad’s love for his child, no exception this time. I received the following from a long time friend of mine. A few scanty lines have expressed so much.

Late into the night, stars shimmering all over the sky;
Deep in my heart, for you
Qingqing, my dearest daughter,
A light is lit — a light of prayer.
On this day — a special day,
Your old dad,
Wish you — happy birthday and happy everyday in your life.
Happy birthday to you!!!

Exactly a year ago today when my sister and her son came to America to study English. Things did not turn out the way my sister planned. So the boy went back in March this year.

The good news is my sister worked very hard with her son and finally caught up with the class so that the boy can successfully move up to the next grade. I am so glad for my sister. Hard work eventually paid off.

Last weekend I sent a picture of my children to four of my friends. To be sure, they are far from having a star-look. Rather, they are just normal looking kids. Still, they are very much dear to me because they have been such wonderful kids.

Last weekend my daughter helped me with some kitchen work, upon my request. She was so glad to have helped, asking me “Why didn’t you ask my help earlier?” as if I had not done so before.

Yesterday I felt a bit under the weather, my daughter insisted that I went to bed and let her prepare the vegetable.

I talked to a friend of mine last week over the phone. She is remarried with an American living in east coast. She said there would not be anyone to read if she wrote because she did not have any kids. In other word, I write because of my children. So nice of her to bring it up to me.

True, children means many things to one’s life. On the one hand, they mean responsibilities, cost, and your time, plenty of them on the parents’ part. On the other hand, they are endless well of joy and blessings. Yet, you won’t be able to enjoy their presence if you have not done a good job in parenting. Remember Esmie Tseng? Again, as always, reap what you sow. See this.
(http://momwrite.com/2008/07/esmie-tseng-killed-her-mom-how-can-we-prevent-it/ )

I am thinking of the kind of role model, legacy, and memory that I want to leave to my children everyday. They are behind every thought of mine in my decision-making. The thought of them dwarfs all other trivial things and minor annoyances, making them seem so irrelevant and so unworthy of my attention.

See how important the children are in my life. That’s how people connect to each other generation after generation. Don’t tell me I don’t have a life of my own. My life has already been made million times richer because of them.

By the way, my son will visit relatives in China as he is the only grandson in his paternal side and has thus been specially valued. Yes, that’s another way of how generations are related.

Yesterday afternoon the whole family drove to the airport to send my son off. My daughter did not go skating in the afternoon in order to spend more time with her brother. At the airport, I asked my daughter to take a picture of me with my son. After saying goodbye, we left for home. My daughter looked cheerless and I felt equally downcast. So I told my daughter, “Your brother left home for a purpose, so do we staying here.” She sensed that I tried to cheer her up, so she asked, “Are you talking to me?” as if she did not need to be comforted. Actually I was also telling myself.

I told my son that 1/4 century ago I left his grandparents for America, a land of thousands of miles away, the separation and the sacrifice on both sides were painful, yet for a purpose, whatever that purpose was. I was then young and stupid, still I made this decision, believing I could achieve something better and bigger if I ventured out. In a way, by choosing to go out of the state for his higher education, he is in the same situation as I was 25 years ago, only he is not as far as I was from my parents and he has been well guided and prepared than I was before.

I am sure all parents feel the painful separation each time their children leave home. For me, a sense of purpose can help extenuate the pain and make both sides strong and focused.

For my daughter, today is the first day of second session of summer school. My son will leave for Georgia in the afternoon. I take the day off today.

While taking a walk with my son, we talked extensively on his career goal, short-term and long-term plans, his current startup engagement, character-building, reading and writing. I emphasized once again that success is the means to an end and this end should be bigger than oneself. It is crucially important to link his career goal to this big cause.

He knows he should make contributions to the mankind, yet he does not know that we don’t need to wait till we become rich and famous to do good. If you feel strongly about a belief, you will contribute in whatever manner you can. Again, keep in mind no education is complete if you feel untouched over the sufferings of your fellow human beings.

Their generation enjoys boundless opportunities and possibilities to do good and make difference. Exciting indeed. Now I am beginning to miss my son even before he leaves. Time to keep myself busy.

Yesterday evening I talked with a friend of mine over the phone for a long time, well longer than half a hour. Her mother passed away quite unexpectedly, without having seen her. She was deeply regretful for not having spent more time with her before her departure. There were many things that she could have done with her mother but she had not.

This brings to my mind many things in life that we could have done but we did not. After that, we simply cannot turn back the clock and start from the beginning once more. For example, while the children are home with you, spend some times with them instead of leaving them alone. Yes, they will live no matter what. But your life will be richer with less regret if you can be with your child as long as you can.

About a year ago, 6/30/2008, I posted a little poem, Enjoy Your Turn. Parents, when the little hand reach out for you, please do not turn away, because the time will come sooner than you realize when “you become the one reaching out for that once upon a child!”

My daughter talked to me, with a rather mixed feeling, of one of her classmates. That girl told my daughter, “Both of my parents smoke and I have been second-hand smoker since I was born. I will smoke, too. It makes no difference.”

It reminds me of a lung cancer patient who quit smoking after this diagnosis. He complained of his son who was chain-smoking inside the house and made him cough non-stop. I thought the boy was just like his dad when the dad was young. And that’s how the boy learned to smoke like a chimney.

Both examples powerfully emphasize once again the crucial role of the parents in the health and behavior of their children. Once again, parents, behave yourself for your children.

On a Wednesday evening, I took my daughter to a sporting goods store to buy her a pair of skate shoes. She has been skating almost everyday since spring break. I am glad to see she has made some friends on the rink. While having some fun with her new friends, she has noticed most of the children there are younger than she is. This must have prompted her to practice hard and make giant leap forward.

She asked me if I ever felt depressed. This reminded me of the moment after I handed in all the term papers and finished all the exams, at the end of a semester. I suddenly found myself having nothing to do and nothing to keep me busy. And that was the moment when I felt rather low in spirits or depressed. So I told her, “It is when I found myself going about the life without any goal or pursuit that I feel depressed.” She said she felt the same way. “I must have a goal to live on,” said she.

Like mother, like daughter. A new discovery!

Most of us grew up with the least parental supervision and the maximum dose of freedom, as our parents were fully engaged in their work. Remember work always came first to them.

When I think of it, we were really lucky to grow up under this loose supervision. In summer, we were free to chase butterflies or dragonflies, climbed up trees to explore bird nests. Not that we should, but we could. We made toys out of whatever trash we could get our hands on. Had to be creative to amuse ourselves.

Our children’s generation seems to be mostly over-supervised, especially in China, for the purpose of bringing up a really accomplished person. For some parents, it has become a second full-time job to supervise the children’s study and other activities. Literally, a parent has no other life than supervising the child’s study.

Thus, children are left less and less space to grow, observe, imagine and dream in the fertile land of their minds, etc. To be sure, some children of this generation are really highly accomplished, like an 11-year-old girl that I know of, but the cost is too dear in the long run.

Of two parental control, which is better: under-supervision or over-supervision? Not an easy question. It depends on many factors. A child might need to be over-supervised if he/she is addicted to anything other than study. From my personal experience, I like Patrick Henry’s either-or liberty-death option.

By the way, today is Father’s Day. My son called home to say Happy Father’s Day and my daughter got a card for her dad. Happily ended a day.

The end for all three parts. I will make sure my children read these three postings. I know my daughter has read them and is in full agreement with me. So nice to know.

We were often told that we were born into and growing up in a honey jar, never having tasted the bitterness of the pre-liberation old society. Our parents should see what a real honey jar is.

To be sure, we grew up never feeling deprived of basic daily necessities, even though we did not have TV, car, computer, cell phone, even toys, etc. I remember I took apart our stationed radio and sitting clock. Must be really bored. Since our parents were so dedicated to their work, they never thought of making money as the goals of their lives. Thus, when we came to America, nearly all of us came on scholarships, not a penny from our parents. Even so, we could save enough to send money back to our parents to fulfill our filial duties. When I was pregnant with my son, I worked at a restaurant and did what the third year Ph.D program required me to do.

20 years later, the next generation came along. As I observe children like our 26-year-old relative and reflect upon my own children, I can see the undesirable side of growing up with more money than it is good.

Unlike our generation, most of the children of next generation came to America fully funded by either their parents or their relatives, not on their own merits. They never have to work during the summer or anytime at all. What’s wrong with this? See what actually happened.

The young man came here in 2006 first to learn the language, then got into a graduate program. It took longer than expected to pass English test and much longer to complete a master program. After 3 years, the runner is still running and expecting to reach the destination early next year. Would you take this long if you had to fund your schooling with your own hard-earned money? Life has been too easy and money flows in without their lifting a finger. In reality, money has served to weaken or even destroy their wills to strike out on their own.

More than a waste of money, a person actually wasted a few years of his life if he can actually start working at age 27. I learned that this boy was doing better than some other spoiled kids of this generation who need much longer time than he did.

To me, the waste of time is the biggest crime that a youth can possibly commit. Imagine how much value you can contribute to society, to your family and yourself in these 5 years from age 22, college graduation to age 27! A 22-year-old young man would work for anything, had his family not been so wealthy!

The third generation, that of our children’s, enjoy more wealth than we did during our childhood. Yet, if you think money has helped make their lives better, think again.

The end for part two. To be continued…

A friend of mine called me last Monday, asking about my children and what they were doing during the summer. Next she talked nearly non-stop about her boy, who is younger than my daughter. Well, to be exact, her mind was fully jammed with complaints about him and his addiction to computer games. I told her that my son was like this when he was this age. We simply have to keep on working on them until they become a bit mature. We cannot risk not to intervene.

She said she was very much on the verge of giving up her effort. “I remember when I was small, my parents never worried about us. We just took care of ourselves and were never like kids of this generation…” Indeed, our parents never spent this much time on us and we still grew into responsible adults.

This brought me back to these long-gone care-free childhood days, the way we were brought up and the memories that I have of my parents and their generation.

My parents grew up during China’s civil war years, before 1949. Both of them grew up in countryside, joined the army and then communist party, after 1949, settled in big cities. Throughout their lives, they believed in dedicating their lives single-mindedly to the revolutionary cause, with total self-sacrifice and self-effacement. They totally immersed their own ideal and dreams into those of the large cause, always subordinating self, their family to this large cause.

Not that they did not love their children as much as we do ours, but that they were not supposed to think of their children as much as we do now. Their thoughts and their lives were very much influenced, shaped and determined by the times and society they happened to find themselves in. That is, they were not able to transcend their times and environment.

In fact, our parents were as much the products of their times as we were of ours. By the time we, the second generation, became parents, times have changed so fundamentally. One thing for sure, opposite to our parents, we always think of our family and our children first, work last.

So much for part one today. To be continued…

As I have promised some people at his school here, who seemed to care about this boy, here’s the latest on him. I called my sister but wasn’t able to get hold of her, so I called my mother. She told me the boy’s mother was totally engaged with the boy’s study. The father started participating in disciplining the boy. As for the boy, no change. As always, he is okay as long as he is with his mom. So much for an update, as if there were something new. None.

My father, the children’s grandfather, passed away in 1987. He would be 80 years old in November this year. My mother and I talked about him over the phone. My father planned to write a memoirs after he retired. He had led an interesting and exciting life. I wish I had something to read about his life and had something to tell to my children, but he left us without even starting his memoirs. He seldom talked to us about his life neither. The only way to learn about his life is through my mother.

By the way, both my son and my father were born in the year of snake. Now I know precisely why my son is so great. Also, across the three generations in our big family, there are two male snakes, two female sheep, two female pigs, two (1 male, 1 female) tigers, and a single male dragon.

Recently, I have talked with some friends over the phone about our teenage children. To be sure, there are more complaints than anything else. I have to admit that my children are far from being perfect, but no matter how upset I feel at times, I try to remember the time when they were just tiny babies and the huge responsibility on my shoulder. In fact, they are still children in many ways, even though they may act like they are independent grow-ups.

This reminds me of the conflict between my own child and the other adult in our house which almost led to the outcast of the minor. The irrational nature of some parents can very well write a tragic ending for any real parent-child conflict story. Yes, sometimes reality appears more unreal than fiction. Thus, every time I hear parents complaining of the minors, I firmly believe the parents are the guilty ones, without any exception. All children are angels, that is, until parents bring out the demon side in them through the most ugly form of fight and abuse.

No matter what happens, we only need to remember one thing, that is, we need to continue caring and protecting them till they become truly grow-up and ready for any challenges that may come on their way.

This is what I read from a book on teen problems. There are four main factors that can contribute to teen problems

1) Teen’s personality
2) Parent’s personality
3) The childhood experience
4) Parenting style

The decisive factor is the last one — parenting style. A proper parenting style can eliminate the impacts of the first three factors, those that are beyond our control.

Imagine what life would be like if both teen and the parent have a temper as hot as fire, reacting to each other in the same unthinking and knee-jerk manner, having the same negative and conflict-ridden attitude toward each other!  One of them got to change in order to avoid constant clash. It is the parent who is supposed to act like a responsible adult and take initiative in managing any conflicts between a child and the parent. I know this can be a real challenge to some adults who stubbornly refuse to change for their children.

One step backward. What if unfortunately that parent is not mature enough to change him/herself? Don’t be surprised. Some people grow up only physically but never emotionally, remaining pure teenager mentality throughout their lives. This is when the adult acts like a immature child, degrading him/herelf to the same level as the teen and this is how the problems or conflict are set in motion and escalating in most cases, which might eventually lead to a very undesirable and even disastrous ending.  

Wait! This is not the end of the world. There is still hope. The hope lies in another adult. If the teen is fortunate enough to have another parent who is understanding and capable of enlightening this problematic immature parent, or who is powerful enough to intervene between the two conflicting sides.

The real disaster can fall upon a teen when both parents are hopelessly irreparable, child-like warriors, with you-name-it irredeemable flaws in them, capable of creating hell instead of a heaven for the child under his/her roof. In case like this, the teen is better off living under a foster care.  Bless your heart that this is as rare a case as seeing a real panda in a super-market. One more blessing to count.

My experience with my teens confirm my belief in the overwhelming power of parenting style. After all, a teen is still a child, not physically though, and you are their unfailing protector. Behold, the sun will break through the dark cloud and shine in your house, as long as we parents act like responsible adults and maintain our rule with proper parenting style. I have seen this sunlight. Yes, life is so good with dreams like this.

You can always see traces of parents’ habits and lifestyle, behavior and belief in children. I am not particular about food, taking no special pleasure in good food. If I have something in mind, like some work or project, I don’t have appetite for anything until I get it done. Since the children spend more time with me, I observe the same attitude toward food in them.

Therefore, unlike many families, we seldom spend a lot of time on food preparation on weekend. We spend more time in bookstore or some other places than at kitchen. Last weekend, the other adult cooked more dishes than before, causing us wondering if the nephew was coming back or we were expecting someone coming over. Indeed, the nephew came back. You can always tell when the boy is coming by the amount of dishes prepared. The boy told us some of his health problem which was related to his lifestyle. Well, actually his family’s.

I have been careful to follow a lifestyle of exercise plus diverse food intake. So do both of my children. One more good thing that I have done so far!

I am not well-organized, with stuffs scattering everywhere and seeing the exact copy of this in my children. Therefore, I cannot justify my complaint of their mess when they are doing you-know-what — copying me. Therefore, parents, watch your own behavior, your lifestyle, if you don’t want to see any of those in your children.

I talked to one of my relatives in China on Monday about which direction her grown-up child should take upon college graduation. To be sure, as parents, we all have endless worries about the wellbeing of the children, which is inevitable and is okay as long as we keep them to ourselves and not let it mess up with children’s decision.

I remember a story in which an elderly in a tribe tells the young people the wisdom in life consists of six words. He gives them the first three words before they venture out for a distant land — do not fear. “After you get back from your adventure, I will give you the last three words.” When these people come back for these words, they are no longer young, having covered large part of their life’s journey. Some have been successful in the world, becoming rich and famous, some being the opposite. The last three words given to them are — do not regret.

I was going to share this wisdom with my relative, then again I held myself back. We all have our shares of worries, concerns and anxiety. It is never easy if we could put ourselves in other’s position. Today I talked to my son over the phone and learned that he seemed to be going farther and farther from the road that I have expected him to go. On the one hand, you expect young people to venture out of school, fear not and be independent, on the other hand, you expect them to come back when the break is over and not to be too independent. He might fear nothing, but I have the fear that the company might keep him longer than the summer. What about his school? I told him, “You got to go back to school and get your degree or you will regret if you don’t.” How about the elderly’s six-word wisdom — do not fear, do not regret?

We were invited to a friend’s house today, a pleasant occasion or should be one. But, as it happened before, the other adult in our household made efforts to dampen any pleasantness the occasion was expected to bring. How? By making unfavorable comparison between our child and that of the host’s this way — “See other child is so good. You should be like her. …”

This is an ancient problem with this adult. To be sure, each child is unique and they all need to be treated with due respect and be accepted as what they are instead of telling them to be what they are not. Making unfavorable comparison tends to make the child feel less worthy than others. Even worse is doing it in front of everybody as if the child had no self-respect. Sometimes, when the other adult is hooked in a criticizing mood, nothing can stop him from condemning his own child. A damaging and perverted parenting, which some Chinese parents are so good at. It is not funny when you have made efforts to build up a child’s self-esteem and self-respect, someone comes along to destruct them.

A promise will have to be extracted from this adult before any future gatherings. Good luck to all.
P.S. I have talked with the other adult on this issue and have reached an agreement not to let it happen again.

There are so many fun ways to pass a relaxing Saturday — either stay home, doing nothing but lying lazily somewhere and reading a book for my entertainment or commitment or go to a bookstore and find a comfortable corner with a book in hand, nice and cool, no cooking no cleaning, no back-breaking or leg-hurting.

But I chose to do something else — doing laundry first thing in the morning, then to art class, two of them, till 1 PM; then to Toon Shop to find a violin teacher for my daughter, then to her friend, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, attending garden need. Away from my comfortable couch for the whole not-so-relaxing day, still I am happy to be able to spend the day this way.

While driving my daughter around the town, I thought of two of my friends who have four children. One of them, being close to my house, has three girls and a boy. She takes her first two girls to their violin and piano lessons, figure-skating and tennis practice. As it is with one child, I already feel a bit overwhelmed with her activities. I cannot see myself taking care of the needs of four children. It takes tremendous courage to take on such huge responsibilities. I reserve the highest compliments for these mothers. I have zero complaints when I think of these great mothers. Thus happily ended an exhausted Saturday.

This is an unusually busy weekend for all of us. My daughter only went to the art class on Saturday morning and did not go to skating lesson in the afternoon because she wanted to go to the airport to meet her brother. My son came back yesterday afternoon, around 1 PM. His big cousin came back from China last weekend. The other adult in the house went to get him back from his school.

While he was at school, my son was always busy. Now that he is home, we got a lot to catch up, bombarding him with all sorts of questions on his summer job, his friends, his school work, and his life at school. We went to China Buffet for dinner, five of us. After that, my son went out for a movie with a few boys from his former high school. That was yesterday.

Today he went to lunch with a few girls that he used to hang out with. The other adult sent the cousin back to central missu. Meanwhile, I took my daughter to skate. After that, I started packing for son, getting ready for his trip tomorrow. I prepared some carrots, celeries, and other fruits so that they will not feel sleepy on the way. He will drive to Atlanta, Georgia early tomorrow with his friend, where they will start their summer job. My daughter and her brother watched a movie together till late at night, way after I have gone to bed.

So glad to see him back, even if only for one and a half day. Man got to do what he got to do, regardless of what.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. So darling that a day is reserved for mothers! I should be touched. Indeed, I shall be. I called my mother in China only to find her having left home 10 minutes ago to a tourist spot out of town.

My son called just to say Happy Mother’s Day. He will come home next Saturday and leave for Georgia next Sunday, where he will start his summer intern job. The fact he remembers the day is the gift in itself. My daughter gave me two back massages, instead of none, as a special treat on Mother’s Day. What a sweet present. They know the best gift to a mom is to do the right thing, which is enough to make their mom happy.

I spent some time on my plants corner in the house. I had to stop in the middle of it. Too much stress on my back. The rest of the day was spent on some “good-for-nothing” books. I was determined to do less household work in order to observe Mother’s Day.

I wish everyday could be Mother’s Day. I guess fathers would wish everyday be Father’s Day and children wish everyday be children’s day. We should be better than being so self-centered. How about not?

We are having a workshop on leadership lately. Not sure if it is ever useful to me. Still, as I am exposed to some ideas on leadership, I have discovered that these are actually nice ideas, so wonderful that I am going to share with the readers here. It might be of some help to us as parents. You might be surprised to learn that leaders are humans first, leaders second.

Traits of Outstanding Leaders and Parents.
To be sure, the workshop was never on parents, but I keep thinking it for parents. Call it professional bias. Here are the four major traits.
1) Nurturing ongoing and interactive relationships
~~~~Allow for an equal exchange of ideas (so that they feel comfortable speaking up what they have in mind)
~~~~Consider the needs of employees (show you care about them)
~~~~Meet the needs of employees (so that they are willing to go extra miles for you)
~~~~Validate employees’ concerns (you actually listen to them)

2) Being in touch with innermost thoughts, feelings, and values.
~~~~Cultivating alone time
~~~~Connecting with nature
~~~~Assuming distance from the mission
~~~~Mediating and thinking deeply
~~~~Enjoying silence and solitude
~~~~Reflecting and writing
~~~~Visualizing and relaxing
~~~~Exercise regularly
~~~~Reading continually
~~~~Engaging in creative activities
~~~~Knowing yourself
Have some time at the end of the day for yourself, stick to your exercise schedule, take time to relax. Some people say exercise is an outlet, letting out the steam built up inside.

3) Walking the talk– act in a manner that is consistent with your words, practice what you preach. It is the epitome of leading when talk and actions fuse. Good leaders must truly believe in what they are doing. Sounds so familiar to me. Of course, the leaders learn it from Parents magazine.

4) Leading by influence — use influence instead of force. No spanking, that is.

It gives me such a warm fuzzy feeling to imagine having leaders fully equipped with these traits. Well, don’t be silly.

This is the continuation from my Saturday reading of Parents magazine. I never have enough on parenting tips. This is how I was once addicted to those readings on parenting. Hey, guess I was really open to new ideas.
Here are some familiar tips on boosting children’s self-esteem:
–Let the child make decision as early as possible.
–Promote problem solving, that is, let the child figure out how. Hold your hand back.
–Look for ways for the children to be of some help to others. The child feels useful and helpful this way.
–Find opportunities for her to spend more time with adult — it is always more challenging to engage in conversation with adults
–Fantasize about the future — being able to imagine themselves in the future really motivates the child. p. 122

On September 2005 issue, there is an interesting article calling on parents to “Practice what you preach: Are you sending your child mixed messages about good values?” p. 36. It is so convenient to tell the children what they should do without the necessary self-reflection. I used to think this is not a problem among most of American parents. I was wrong again. It is really a challenge to remain consistent in what we preach and how we behave. Next time when I say to my children, get off the computer or be helpful to others or don’t use bad words or …, I will first ask myself, am I doing something that I ask them not to do or am I practicing double-standard? No wonder my daughter called me a hypocrite. Jokingly, I hope.

P.S. I never had a chance to talk to the 10-year-old boy after he left for China. He has been kept busy all the time, up at 6 AM and down after 10 PM, never been on computer at all. I talked to my sister. She sounds so upbeat that it really lifts up my spirit. Very positively contagious. Thus ends another happy day.

This is again from Parents Magazine that I read on Saturday. The article, “Girls’ Night Out,” reminds me of what one co-worker went through one night with some of her girl friends. Drinking beer and smoking cigarette are the indispensable ingredients of social life like this. This co-worker even ended up spending the rest of the night at jail for driving under the influence. A friend of mine told me of her child coming back from high school parties with face red as blood, smelling like a Dionysus.

No wonder a parent of a teen girl that I know of is very dreadful of sending her daughter to public school. I learned from my son that it is as easy to pick up weed or crack at his school as picking up cigarette. Neither is good. What did I learn? If this is what actually happens during these girls’ night out, I am afraid this girls’ night fun is nothing less than parents’ nightmare. I sincerely hope this is but an exception.

I knew how important a child’s self-esteem is and I have read a lot on this topic, still I would not let go any writing on this, trying to find something new. Before I started reading the article Secrets of Confident Kids, I already felt guilty upon reading its subtitle “To build your child’s self-esteem, you need to say less and say less and let him do more.” I did just the opposite — non-stop talking and diligently doing. You can see how easily parenting can go wrong even with the best intention.

On how not to praise the kid, I thought I did not need to read it since I am rather stingy in giving out compliments to my children. I am just curious what the author has to say on this. When the child is praised more than he deserves, that child is so conditioned that he expects praise for everything that he does, even at the time when he does not deserve it. The advice from the author is “Don’t praise your child if he does something that he is supposed to do.” A simple thankyou is sufficient. If you feel a strong urge to praise, offer specific feedback on exactly where is good and worthes praise. Sometimes, smothering maternal love, in the form of excessive praise, is more damaging to the child than without. I am thinking of some parents when I write this line. Again, good intention can turn out being the opposite.

More later.

It was around 3 PM after we got home from both art class and skating. Not much time left for my garden work, homemade bread and this posting. I got myself dirty as a pig after wallowing in the vegetable garden, and returned home exhausted as a marathon runner.

While waiting for my daughter’s Saturday morning art class, I bumped into a few back issues of Parents magazine. Like seeing an old friend, I grabbed its hand with warm enthusiasm. They were helpful when my children were small and their parent was inexperienced, though I never like the fact that commercials take up 90% of its space. To be sure, the articles there are never long, which nicely suits busy parents.

On May 2008 issue, there is an article entitled “Mental Health Crisis.” The word crisis is really catching and the numbers provided are more than shocking: the year 2007 saw 76% increase in suicide among American teenage girls; 400% increase in bipolar-disorder diagnosis in American children. Nearly 1/8 adolescents may be clinically depressed. pp. 48-50. I would not believe it had I not known an 8th grade boy taking his own life early this year.

We parents seemingly know teenage years are wild and rough, rebellious and challenging, the worst form of headache. Yet, seeing such a high number of depression, bipolar disorder, and suicide rate and remembering my own children’s experience, I feel we still don’t really comprehend the meaning of teenager. I feel an urgent need for teen parents to try to sharpen their empathy skill, that is, the ability to think and feel and imagine what it is like to be a teenager, trying to understand their needs — psychological, emotional, and social, etc. You would think they got so many friends at school, but then they are still isolated and hungry for hands reaching out to them. A large social network is sorely needed to stop the madness of teen suicide. I wish there already existed such a network.

More tomorrow on reading back issues of Parents magazine.

When I think of spring sowing and potentially thriving season on this sunny Monday, I find nothing more fitting than the words of the president to his daughters.

“These are the things I want for you – to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That’s why I’ve taken our family on this great adventure. ”

These words are so much like those he spreaded along his presidential campaign roadside, so much reminding me of the dream of Martin Luther King, Jr. and so much an expression of himself, a man of ideals, vision, good brain, and most importantly, great heart.

Whatever the result will be and whatever his legacy will be for the future, it is always comforting to be soaked in these positive speeches. Don’t we love hearing these words?

Over the weekend, I heard some parent repeatedly making unfavorable comments on other people’s parenting. For the first time, I realize how unfair these comments are because I remember myself being thus criticized before.

I was once carped as being too permissive with my daughter. I felt greatly wronged when I thought I knew what was the best for my child and the best parenting mechanism in dealing with her. Also, nobody knows my child as well as I do and thus is in no position to judge me.

I used to judge other parents, regardless of my motive. Now, I think it a rather undesirable practice. To be sure, we must believe that most of the parents handle their children with their best interests in their hearts. We all try to do what is best for our children. Nobody is in the position to judge other parents when they don’t know the child and when they don’t have any constructive suggestions for the parents.

Being a loving and effective parent is already a challenge in itself; the least that a parent needs is being told that she/he has performed badly. How we love poking our noses into other’s business! Not funny if it were you.

I have read some books on child education. Thus I like to make noises about what I have learned and also explaining why I go about child issue this or that way. I really know how to make myself look and feel like a fresh-baked fool.

I was told that I could always find explanation or excuse for whatever I did. The message from this statement is: first, I have done too much explanations when I do not owe anyone any explanation at all.  Why have I explained at all?  See how confused I am sometimes.  The gatekeeper of my mouth must have gone dormant.

Second, I must have thought and reflected a lot upon my life’s experience, not that much though, and hence have found a lot to explain.  To be sure, it is not a bad thing only if I could keep it to myself or to the willing ears.

The moral lesson is: I have made tons of noise and explained more than I need to. I must have too much time to waste on talking or explaining. I cannot believe I have downgraded to this level. Shame on me. Actually, the moral lesson is: talk less but write more.

There are something much more than being shameful chicken parents. When people say I am a chicken parent, I do not know what to say. Because I realize it is not proper to be defensive when you are criticized. According to my daughter, I cannot take criticism well.  I would say I have choices. If I choose to confront other adults, fight will surely follow, which means no peace for my children. I do not want to see this happens.  If I choose not to say anything, I victimize myself for the sake of my children. If neither of the above, … You can see we adults have to consider so many IFs. It is both difficult and sheer ugly to be adults. Below is what I just write on this.

           The words of your child
Listen to their words, the holders of truth.
No polish and gloss, no grace and elegancy.
No use of language for coverup.

Remember The Emperor’s New Clothes?
A little child bursts out,
— “But the emperor has no clothes,”
When all the trusted office-holders see the clothes.
Shame on them!

Adults have too much to look out,
In the name of being cautious and prudent.
Or words should be said but not,  for the peace of all.
Careful and judicious, for politcal correctness,
Truth being reserved and un-truth/less-than-true uttered.
Dear so-called respectful parents,
– Is this also untrue from the month of an adult?