Yesterday, while taking our evening walk out in the neighborhood, my daughter and I talked about parents’ expectations of their children. Nearly everybody said something to this effect about the expectation of a relative of ours for her child — hers being too high for him. Nearly everybody is worried his/her head off about her because she works so hard to push her child up. Life’s so tough for her. It is like climbing a very steep uphill with the mother beneath the boy’s bottom, upholding the boy with all her strength so that he would not fall to the bottom.

The boy stays late till after 10 PM and gets up at 6 in the morning trying to keep up with his school work, with his mother sitting by him all the time.

I told my daughter, “We have to give tremendous credits to your auntie for the confidence, the efforts, her optimism, and the fact that she does not give up the hope and the effort. If she lost hope, gave up trying or became pessimistic, the boy would be truely hopeless. Only a mother can be so dedicated to the wellbeing of her child. I only wish she could work on getting the boy more independent.” The boy is turing 11 next month.

About expectation, I told her, “If I told you to shoot for a B or 80, you might come home with a 79. When shooting for 90, you might get 89. But if I ask you to try for 100, I will be happy if you get a few point less than that because you are still in 90s range.”

Here’s what she told me and also what I have for this wonderful Friday, “This is called shooting for the moon, even if you miss the moon, you will still land on the one of the stars. This is not from me but from what I heard of.”

A few days ago, I talked to my nephew, “Your friend in China studies English and it would a shame if she surpasses you in English when you are in an English speaking country.”  I meant to challenge him to work hard on his English while he is here. Also his teacher repeatedly called me about his study at school.

He asked me, “What do you mean? Do you mean her English is better than mine and I am not good?”

Well, this is an obvious truth, yet, this truth would not be well-taken and better remained not said.  I replied, “I meant for you to study hard since she studies hard; and you want to be better than she is, right?”

“Do you mean I have not studied hard?” he asked irritatedly. Of course that was what I meant. Again, an obvious truth must not be said.  “This is just my advice. If you think you have already studied hard, you can play,” I said.

“Yes, I think I have studied hard.” With that, he resumed his computer game, happily. I told him that it was very difficult for his mother to bring him here and he should value this opportunity. He said, “I knew this long ago. My mom told me this thousand of times before we arrived here.”

With his mother in China, he feels like a bird out of cage, enjoying himself fully. To be sure, on the whole, he is a good boy.  He could be even better if he would take my words and put more efforts in his study.  Well, let him mature at his own pace.

I have come to this realization only after someone I know of turned 13, with a lot of things going on around her making her moody and edgy.  Sometimes that someone prefers to be left alone, reflecting about something happened at school or over the book she just read, wearing a rather sullen look.  That perosn would give you a leave-me-alone attitude if you talk to her.  Or when that person is not in a sunny mood, she wears an cloudy look to whoever around her, even though she knows she looks her best when she is truely happy.  Afterward she apologizes sincerely for behaving badly.

I told that person yesterday, 10/7/08, that I would not take to heart her attitude, however it might be.  A parent should not be so narrow-minded, unable to rise above any childish behavior.  If a parent is overparticular about a child’s attitude and take to heart any minor slight or affront, this child-like parent will have to learn to be understanding and tolerant.  Otherwise, “serve you right” for lacking of empathy. 

I never take offense on slight provocation.  It would be too touchy and miserable to be a parent or even to live this way.  Let me put it this way — when it comes to small offense, I have the skin of the thickest Rhinoceros, totally bullet-proof and am brazenly happy I can be this way.  Otherwise, I get zero thing done and will truely be disturbed. So sad.  I always pick my fight on major issues and spare myself and everybody any minor ones. 

What upset me daily, I said to that person, “is seeing you squander so much of your precious time on you-know-what. Because time is all we have in life.  Once gone is forever gone.  Have you ever seen people turn clock back?  And I would be really sad if I see you set a long-term goal and fail to reach it. Of course, you will not let it happen.”

I would think this posting carries more than one messages, the last of which is — don’t get upset if I am talking about you.

On Monday evening, 10/6/2008, this is what happened at someone’s house.

Someone spilled water on the floor near kitchen when she was pouring water in a hurry.  A man in our house pointed out the spill.  That someone said, “I am sorry,” then rushed upstairs without cleaning it.  The other person shouted back from downstairs with certain amount of anger in the voice, “I don’t want to hear you say sorry. You always say sorry but never mean it.  Don’t give me this trick, etc.”

I was nervous at that moment, fearing that someone would shout back, “Fine, I am not sorry” or words to that effect. Instead she did not say anything. After the anger quieted down, I asked that someone, “Instead of saying sorry, can you clean up after your mess next time?” “Okay, I will,” she said cheerfully.

If it were in the past, an ugly fight would follow. But not on that Monday. I see someone is changing for the better everyday. I am so proud.

Last Saturday, 10/4/2008, I told both someone and my nephew to write a self-evaluation. The nephew finished it in no time and stayed pretty much on the surface, touching only symptoms of problems, which are signs or indications of something deeper that he is not able at this stage to think of. Such as, instead of saying I have bronchitis, I say I have fever and sore throat, the symptoms of illness.

That night I had a wonderful walk and talk with someone, during which she told me of her self-evaluation. She totally surprised me with her unreserved candidness and rigorousness to the point of being too harsh in her self-exam.  It is no exaggeration to say she revealed herself far above many adults that I know of in her nobleness of mind, her unsparing soul-searching and persistent quest for perfection. Her self-evaluation shows her maturity, self-acceptance and the desire to improve herself.  With her level of maturity, I would hope she should put an end to the epic war between she and her cousin.

In her frank attitude toward her weakness and her mistakes, she put numerous adults, including famous people, to crashing shame. Not so far from our memory are Watergate scandals and Lewinsky story. If the related persons had 1% of her guts and honesty, history would have to be re-written.

To be sure, she has a much short list of her strong points but a rather lengthy and thorough list of her weaknesses. I only need to remind her of avoiding either ungrounded optimism or pessimism. Always face the reality and deal with it with confidence, courage and fortitude. No coverup or denial.

I am so much pleased at this point.  And it is not unreasonable to expect a breakthrough or a giant step forward in her development. Then again,  I know we won’t be perfect and I should be happy with someone with a perfect heart of angelic quality and the courage and the desire to be better than herself.

Indeed, nobody likes to be pointed out his/her mistakes or weakness.  A child who specially cares about face-saving specially dislikes criticism, especially after the child has been adored 99% of times in the past.  Yet, I find it hard to extend compliments when I see much room for improvement, that is, truth must be told without diluting it with praise.

Yestoday I gave my nephew a task — to make a list of his strength and the areas where he thinks he needs to improve.  He asked me, “Do you want me to write about my weaknesses?” I knew he was over-sensitive over the word weaknesses so I don’t want him to get defensive upon this word.  I made my point clear to him.  “I never say the word weakness. I think we all need to improve ourvelves, including me. Don’t you think so?  This is what I want you to write, if you want to be a better person.”  “What do you mean, auntie?  Do you mean I am not a better person now?” he asked.

“You know what kind of person you are.  I just want you to get better than you are now. You can write it if that’s what you want.  It is up to you.  Your sister also must write one.”  Finally he agreed to work on this task.  I was hoping of finding a way for him to know himself instead of being always told of this.

He completed the task in no time. At first he covered it up and would not let me read it. I said, “Ok, you can keep it to yourself. I will just read your sister’s.” Then he offered to let me read. Next he kept pressing me to judge whose writing is better.  I would be too naive to fall for it. “They are different, no good or bad,” I told him.

It is not my intention to challenge the validity of their writings. They are true as long as they believe so. As for me, they serve as a historical reference for their own evaluation at this point of their lives.  If I remember it, I will ask him to make another one in one year. Very interesting indeed!

One fight between someone and her cousin involved in asserting that one view was correct. That is, the cousin believes that one cannot do the homework well and on the computer at the same time, that the mind cannot engage in two things at a time. This is what that someone often does.  Honestly I have a lot more important issue to tackle than this. The argument is totally senseless. The boy vehemently defended his position because he thought his way was the right one and everybody must agree. The girl does not like the idea of being told what is right or wrong by someone younger than she is.

Sometimes he is right or he has a point, yet, sometimes even if he is not right, he still argues, trying to assert his being right. Being right seems so vital to him. What does being right mean to him? What need does the assertion fulfil?  Big question, right?

This attitude reminds me of the fact that the boy often comes to me looking for positive confirmation, “Aunt, I did this or that. What do you think?”  I know the boy expects me to praise him and I know negative comments or criticism won’t sit well with him. I am often wondering in my mind — why do you need me to constantly tell you how good you are? why are you so hungry for praise? Both of my children never behave this way, therefore I am not used to giving up praise randomly.

I make no comments. Instead, I ask him what he thinks of himself. At first, he would not say. Later, he said he thought it good.  So I told him “What matters most is you think you have done a good job. What other thinks does not matter.” He looked puzzled and lost.

It seems this is a whole new way of thinking and evaluation for him. If we constantly look outside for our own value and judgement, our self-esteem must have hit a record-low level! The passion and energy pour into the argument might probably function as a protective mechanism against this low self-esteem. Thus, it is no exaggeration to say that the key to end senseless arguments like this is to boost self-esteem.

Everyday I drive by SMS High School and see a group of high school freshmen running along Lamar Avenue, I thought of the time when my son was running on this path, that is, back five years ago when he was a high school freshman. Now the road is still there but he is no longer running there.  He told me he was still running, on the MIT campus road in Cambridge. 

I am thinking of years ahead he might not be running on that campus road but on a different one and I bet he will miss all the roads that he has run before.  Still life’s moving on, so will he.  For me, I miss seeing him running along Lamar Avenue in 2003.

I started spending more time with my nephew after my sister left.  He seems more relaxing with me as he quickly found out I am rather good-natured. Meanwhile, I started to learn more about this boy. After each fight with my daughter, he made sure that I did not tell his mother about it. In fact, there are many things that he does not want his mother to know, that is, he only discloses a little to his mother.

On Tuesday, 9/30, something very terrible was thought to happen. As soon as we recovered from it, he told me to keep it to ourselves. “Don’t tell my mom about it.”

I tried to find out why. He always tried to dismisss the subject and would not answer me.  Yesterday, I asked him, “Is it because you don’t want your mother to get mad at you?” He slightly nodded his head with a fade smile and said “I know my mom.”  Then quickly he added, “She is busy with her work. It is not important. I don’t want to disturb her with this trivia.”

I am not sure exactly what is going on in his mind and if his mother knows her son has been keeping something from telling her and how much he chooses to disclose to her. But I know better than buying what he said about his mother being too busy. 

This 10-year-old seems to have a deeper layer than his immature appearance has revealed and his mother has ever thought of.  I told my daughter of this.  I want my daughter to know that “I can hold up no matter what you tell me. Just don’t keep me in dark.”  She told me, “Mom, if something happened, you would be the last person to know.” So much for her trusting me.  Now I know better as a parent.

P.S. To be exact, he is a different person when his mother is out of sight. I am wondering how much his mother knows of this. Never realize life could be so interesting!

From my observations, I have found in my sister’s child several places that mark him above the average children, my children included. Number one strength is his being a very sociable person, that is, he is very natural and comfortable dealing with people at all levels. Even his teacher was impressed by his sociability. Nothing artificial. It just comes naturally with him when chatting with people. When I mentioned this to my family, someone tried to deny this fact.

I would say this to my children — the greatness of a person lies not in his being perfect but in his having a heart big enough to see and admit the strength of others and the weakness of his own.  Would you like to be someone who finds comfort in zooming in other’s weakness and his own strength?  Yuck!

Last weekend, I talked to someone about this. I told her that human behavior was so much shaped and conditioned by their interactions with each other. From my observation, some people function like missionaries of peace, that is, they create peaceful atmosphere wherever they show up and can make friend out of an enemy. Some are so belligerent that they make enemy out of anybody they meet, that is, they can bring out fighting spirit out of anybody.

The talk took place after I watched the constant fight between someone and her cousin.  That someone is a smart one. She understood what I meant immediately.  I am sure she will take initiatives and be a missionary of peace.

No offense to all indulging parents. I do not agree making the children the center of the attention in a public gathering, even though I have observed such practice by many Chinese parents. And I have noticed some children feel ignored, miserable or even cry if they are not in the limelight. That is how the “little emperors/princesses” are hatched in China.

Call me too dumb if you will, but I can never finger out why they should get all the attentions when they have not done anything special deserving any attention. Even worse, why should they even want to be noticed when their ill-behavior deserves nothing but coverup, so that they will not be embarrassed.

To be sure, I love my children and they are important to me, still they do not deserve getting undeserved attentions in public.  I once told my son, “You should learn to attract attention by your accomplishments like the cartoon movie character, Hercules,” not on that large-scale though.

I realize my position is highly controversial.  As always, I will be immensely amused when I am challenged.

When my son was in first grade in Fort Wayne, Indiana in 1995, his teacher created a reward system, in which the child was rewarded one ticket for good behavior on a day.  After they had accumulated enough tickets, they could use them to “buy” toys or other stuffs from their class basket.

By the end of the semester, he came home giving each of us, mom, dad and his baby sister, a gift that he bought using the tickets that he had earned and saved during the semester.  He even gave his baby sister some girlish thing for her hairless head.  I was not able to appreciate it until today when I saw a 10-year-old child saved his play dollars for a toy that he wanted to purchase from his class basket.  This reminded me of the gift that my son brought back home when he was 6 years old.

I recalled this incident to my daughter yesterday.  I said there must be some toys in the basket, since it was created for children.  “It was amazing that your brother, so young at that time, could have thought of bringing something for each of us instead of buying a toy for himself.  I don’t know what he was thinking at that time when he denied himself the fun of a toy.”

After pouring some nice words on her brother, my daughter told me, “Now you make me miss my brother more than ever.”  I am speechless, either my heart is too full for words now or I am running out of words.

Yesterday evening, while I was outside home, someone’s little cousin threw a huge fit. After I got back home, that someone told me about this, “It was more terrible than you and dad shouting.”
“What do you mean? Do you mean it was terrible when we were shouting?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with certainty.
“Were you scared when we shouted?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a touch of timidness in her voice.
Hearing this, I felt wretched.  I think I have failed in my responsibility as a protector of my little one.  I used to think her being headstrong,  having an in-crushable steel bone. Now I realize that deep inside her, she is rather fragile, sensitive and easily disturbed by any unpleasantness around her.

When I apologized to her profoundly, she said, “… don’t be so dramatic.”  Forget and forgive, so characteristic of her.

I remember Karl Marx once said something like this, there is no shortcut to the glory of highest scientific achievement. Same can be said of almost everything — from parenting to Olympic medal. Some parents dream of having a wonderful and successful child without any significant and meaningful input on their part. This is like dreaming of an Olympic gold medal without going through the ordeal of training, as if the rule of “No pain, no gain” is not applicable to them.

I remember one of my not-too-close relatives spent chunks of time fishing while her son was young.  She really did not miss a day enjoying herself.  Now she still feeds and clothes the boy as he marches toward his thirties. Aren’t we smart enough to know that a parent just cannot fish a child into a successful being?

By the way, now the son of this relative talked about retiring at age 40, making me feel like a dumb fool still working at my senior age.

When parents yells, children know not how to talk;
When parents tell lies, children learn lies are okay;
When parents treat others with disrepect, children will follow to the letter.
When parents spend all the time on computer games, children know where their time goes.

On the contrary, when parents are nice, honest, respectful, diligent, they will see their shadow in their children.  Aren’t we in heaven too early?  Dream on.  By the way, how I dislike some parents.  Never mind.

My children’s grandmother values boys way over girls. She was eager to come to America when my son was 10 months old.  So I brought her here.  Within one month after her arrival she got sick with gallbladder rupture and ended in hospital for 48 days. She left for her home after she recovered. Needless to say, this resulted in a mountain of trouble for me. 

In the fall of 1990, I was teaching, working on my dissertation, raising my one-year-old son, taking care of my husband who started having gallstone attacks every other week since the grandmother visit.  I tried to get my mother over to help me with the boy but never succeeded because of the debt generated by my husband’s mother’s medical bill — over $45K. 

Sometimes, when I was too much stressed out and felt like unable to handle it all, I cried and took it out on my son, “All because of you. If you were a girl, your grandmother could not have come over here.” He looked at me with his big innocent eyes, trying to finger out what this mad woman was yelling about. Poor boy. I hoped he was too young to remember all this.

It is so easy to shift blame to the children, the weaker one when you do not have the guts to confront the stronger one — your spouse or the spouse’s parents or some other adults.  Scapegoating the children not only unfairly shifts the anger onto the innocent, hurting the children but also left a guilty feeling in the parent. No amount of apology can erase this feeling.

Last Sunday 8/24/08, similar incident happened. This time it was done on my daughter.  Lucky for my son.  I was extremely upset with some members in my family.  Have been a nice person all my life, I pressed down my anger and did not confront the adult offenders.  Instead, I yelled at my daughter like a mad dog, which I regret deeply.  There is no excuse for this bad behavior on my part.

The hurt and damage on her seem ireversible.  I wish the child could be resilient enough to stage back. And I need to have a good memory so that the same thing will not repeat itself in the future.  I really need to be nasty sometimes to the right person, of course.  I wish I knew how. Maybe I never have this guts, unfortunately for my children.

By the way, isn’t this another stupid thing that a parent can do best?

The most unwise thing that a parent can do is when mom is disciplining the child or giving the child proper punishment for wrongdoings, dad jumps out trying to be the “nice guy.”  Good timing. Or the two are inconsistent in their approach to the perceived problem. 

Another things that can happen is when one parent has problems with the child, he blames the other for his failure as a parent. “See she does not listen to me just because of you,” as if he were free from blame.

To be sure, when a parent is having difficulty handling the child, the last thing she wants is being blamed or getting negative comments from another parent.

Of course, the dreamland would be mutual respect between two parents and the child observes and learns to be respectful.

During the last two postings, I have presented myself as an ineffective parent-teacher because I do not “look the part, sound the part, and act the part” of a teacher. When I look back, the only mechanism that I can rely on in parenting my children is a good relationship with them. When they care and love their mom, they want to make mom happy and know what to do to have it happen.

Last evening, while we were on the way to tennis court I was lost in thought. My daughter noticed my locked brow, asking “Why are you not happy? Why are you frowning? You will get wrinkle if you frown like that.” I said I was not unhappy. I was just thinking about her homework that she had trouble with. I told her, “I will be happy and have less to worry about if you can take good care of yourself.” What followed was her promise to behave and make me happy.

I really do not have any magic in regulating their behavior. Good relationship is my key.

For some teenagers, this stage of their lives is the tricky and sensitive one that parents have to live through with their youngsters.  Some of them are very eager to assert their independence, even though they are still financially dependent on their parents.

One of the ways to demonstrate their version of independence is refusing to listen to their parents, telling the parents to mind their own business. “It is my life,” my daughter’s favorite statement. They do something not because parents ask them to but because they want to. In fact, if parents ask them to do something, they would say NO simply because they do not want to be told. The tricky part is to create this situation where what they want to do is what parents want, without having parents telling them. Funny and twisted indeed.

I used to ask my children what kind of future that they would like to end up with and what kind of life they have in mind when they grow up. To be sure, they can depict nothing less than the most regal life that they have read of. What would you do for this? Kids are smart. At some point, they know what they should do for their own good. If not that smart, let them live according to their level of IQ.

At school, there is always the issue of being accepted and popular among girls. To be accepted often means you become one of them spending hours on absolutely stupid tittle-tattle. Being a good school performer may very likely exclude you from the group because you are too far above the rest of the group. It does not give you a good feeling to get an A when others are struggling with C or D. My son once told me, “You don’t want to share your good grade with others unless you want to be excluded.”

To this I keep telling my children, unless you can transcend the boundary of your environment, you are forever one of the herd, a mediocre and an obscurity. Not bad to be among the majority of humanity.

We adults like to have choices, so do the children. But we adult define the range of their choices by laying out artificial rules. For example, it is 10 PM now and my daughter is still on the Internet. Instead of shutting down the PC and telling her to go to bed now, I ask her, “Do you want to go to bed now or have 10 more minutes of computer?”  In case like this, I know she always chooses one of the less evils. You get what you want no matter what she chooses. Sometimes, I know she wants 20 minutes, still I ask her “How about 10 minutes?”  She bargains for 20 minutes and is happy to have it. I think people all feel good if they get what they ask.

Note this works until the child challenges the legitimacy of your rule.

As I observed two children of other people living in my household, I found they are different from mine in many areas. One obvious difference is both of them like to spend time with me at kitchen, whereas my children do not.  As I was wondering why, I discovered that the mother of one child spent a lot of time in kitchen. I remember the other child’s mom is a good cook.

As kitchen is never my favorite place at home, neither is it my children’s favorite hangout.  Indeed, nothing comes from nothing.  I only hope my children can manage to bring food to the table when they grow up. Or find some means to complete this task.

I had lunch with two friends of mine today at Sweet Tomato (8/8/08). One thing that we share in our experience is that we are all mother-of-two-kids. That defined the focus of our chat. At some points, we recalled the time of our coming of age and the years when we were immature and our parents had to put up with our immaturity.

The recollections of those difficult years with our parents should offer us some insights when we are facing the same problem that our parents once faced before. It helps creat an empathy, with which we could be sensitive toward and understanding of the special issues and problems that the youngsters might pose during their difficult teenage years.

Simply put it, the recollection put us back to the position that we once occupied when we were teenagers, so that we are capable of feeling and thinking of what it feels like to be a teenager.

Very interesting and useful exercise for parents, that is, if their memories have not failed them.

This morning (8/7/08)  I heard of George W. Bush issuing blatant criticism on China. This instantly reminded me of what my daughter used to say to me when I made clamorous noise about what I thought to be undesirable. To which, she said, “Who ask your opinion?”

Indeed, just like GW. Bush I often give unwelcome criticism when I myself do not like to be criticized by anyone at all. Kong Fuzi or some other VIP once said: “Do not do unto others what you don’t want done to you.” This is the ethic of reciprocity, too much a common sense for me to dwell upon. Yet, each time I make criticism I violate this Golden Rule or maybe Silver Rule.

Sometimes, I catch myself acting like GW Bush and hold my tongue. But then I thought. Isn’t it the job of the parents to point out to their youngsters when we see them doing something that invites criticism?  Isn’t it harmful and negligent if we keep our month shut at moment like this?  Then we should say something or shouldn’t we?

See I am sometimes mentally confused, too, though only for a second.

Everyday I come back home from office, mentally drained and physically worn out after battling with the full spectra of beings, ready for a good long over-due nap. “Hi, mom. Hug,” a sweet, youthful voice and a big daughterly hug with lovely smile from my daughter quickly refresh me and wipe out any unpleasantness that I might have during the day.  It is like a joy-conveying angel befalling in my life.

I have a thousand and one questions for my daughter, such as “Did you make good use of your time today?” “Did you do your homework?”  “Did you practice piano?” “Did you spend too much time on the Internet?” “Did you do your daily math?” “Did you remember to put value into your time?” etc. But I know better than being a wet blanket over the heavenly joy that she brings at the moment.

My sister told me she felt awful when she saw her child wasting time.  I feel the same way. Yet, if the child is not mature enough to appreciate the value of time, let it be. Choose a proper moment to work on the child’s maturity and other issues. I try not to bring up unpleasant topics while the child is in a pleasant hugging mood.

For me, I will continue enjoying the presence of my child while she is around me, even if she is not as mature as I expect at the moment.  Allow myself to be lifted by her high spirit. For I know my daughter dislikes PPP. And most important of all, this angelic joy won’t be here forever.

Mental confusion. The truth is an adult is mentally rated below a pre-school aged children when he resorts to physical abuse of the child. Because even a child of that early age knows that it is morally wrong to beat a small-size kid and we should not solve domestic problem with fists or other instruments like whip or club.  Such parents remain at the nursery mental level even when they reach age 80. The only hope for the children is to wait till they can match their parents in size and in muscle.

Selfish.  Yes, we are all selfish to certain extent. It’s not that bad as long as it does not involve others.  But parents that physically abuse their children are selfish because in essence they care nothing but their own pleasure at finding an outlet for their own emotional disturbance, a hedonic thrill at the expense of a minor.  By the way, yelling and shouting is another form of abuse, an assault on the mind and nerve.
 
I read somewhere that a child told his parents something like this, “If you don’t like my temper, think of the fact that it is you who has spoiled me when I was small.”  As for children riding on your neck urinating and defecating, you reap what you sow and eat whatever goes down on your neck if you make it happen.  Parents, stop being crying babies for what you deserve. Thank you for reading it.

To my great dismay, I watch some “highly educated” parents demonstrate utter mental confusion and selfishness when they talk about child discipline.  “If you spank the child, you look like a big bully beating up a small child.  If you don’t, the child turns around and ride on your neck urinating and  defecating.  Look at my child now,” said one parent.

First of all, this parent attributes the perceived ill-behavior of the child to “lack of whipping” when the root cause is the failed parenting style or the flaws on the part of the parent/parents.  It is so convenient for such parents to shift blame to the child.  Nothing could be more shameful than this.

Secondly, I am disturbed by any form of physical abuse of the child, no matter what excuse that a parent could concoct up, though I myself am not free from having exerted such abuse before. A parent reveals his/her total incompetence, helplessness and selfishness when he/she resorts to physical means of discipline.

Why selfish?  Why mental confusion?  I will talk more on this tomorrow.

With children, you have to be flexible and employ whatever mechanism that works.  In his elementary years, my son used to be very adamant in staying within his comfort zone. It would not work if you told him to study well so that he would find a good job. He was happy with working at Pizza Hut where he believed he could eat pizza to his heart’s content.  He will be embarrassed if he reads this now.

For some times, the only thing that motivated him to get good grades was to make mom happy. Anything lofty than this was beyond his comprehension.  Luckily, he did care to make mom happy and brough home good grade cards.

Then, gradually as he read and learned more and became mature, he gained a better understanding of what he wanted to get out of his life. He flung himself into the process, putting in as much hard work as needed, happily.  By the time he reached high school, because of his decent grades, he could easily associate himself with people like him.  They motivated each other for the shared goal – being high achievers.

I am so glad something worked at that time. Sometimes, I wonder if he would turn out to be the same if nothing motivated him at all during early school years. Perhaps, without his knowing it and within his comfort zone, he formed a good study habit in the process of pleasing his mom.

On 7/30/2008 I took my nephew to have an English language evaluation test. His English is as good as my Russian, which is below sea-level. After the test, the instructor told me “He may not know everything, but he certainly has the potential to learn it all.” It was so pleasant to hear these words. I would not feel this way if he said truthfully, “He knows absolutely nothing.”

This reminded me of an incident with my children. I remember it was my daughter who broke something. After that she looked at me with her big frightened eyes, motionless. I told her “That’s okay. Mom did that before, and mom was as silly as you are at that time.” She felt relieved, thinking “It turned out I am not the only one who did silly thing.” I was just trying to calm her down but, to be sure, I was never that silly.

I know I am not as honest as the little child who shouts out “But the emperor has no clothes.”  And I have never had an opportunity to be around the naked emperor telling him how handsome his clothes is. This is the wonder of an adult.

I was reading a book by Yang Wen, Growing up with my son.  The book is a loving memory of a mother who has been successful in bringing up an excellent son.  The book is very dear to the author as it traces back to the time before the birth of her son to the point he grows up.  I can understand the pride, nostalgia, and the altogether joy and happiness that a mother feels about a far-away grownup child.  I find it so tempting for a mom like her to indulge in such a recollection.

In essence, the book is the celebration and appreciation of a mother’s experience of caring and raising her child, sparkled with wisdom that she garnered in the process.  Her child has filled her life with so much fun, rewards, and happiness.  Yet, how many parents have enjoyed and benefited from the gift of their children to the extent that Yang Wen has?  By the way, from his book, I believe Gao Yanding has been more than benefited from his daughter.  Hurrah for Yang Wen!  Good job for Gao Yanding!

When my daughter asked me what she could do to make some money, I told her to capitalize on her strength. Upon hearing this, she said she was not aware of having any strength.

This reminded me of an old colleague of mine. Her husband developed multiple sclerosis when their child was very small. For over one and a half decade, she assumed main responsibilities in the care of her husband, managing the cost, meeting the needs of various aspects of the patient. It is an unfortunate event that could befall on anyone. Yet, years of caring an MS husband left her a wealth of experience in this aspect, so that when an opportunity came she got a good-paid job training people on how to give care to MS patients.

This is a classic example of someone who is aware of and taking advantage of her strength, wealth, and asset, who has successfully transformed her misfortunate into a fortuate, turned her intangible asset and wealth into something tangible. After writing this, I realize I need to exhaust my brain to get an inventory of my intangible assets.

Writing has been used as a wonderful means of communication between my children and I when both or either one of us need time to calm down. I have found it especially instrumental in dealing with children growing up in a culture where shouting and yelling, violence and fighting are so rampantly aired on TV.

To be sure, things were not rosy before that. Both of my children have their temper, which can be hot and destructive if ill-handled.  I cannot guarantee myself to be level-headed all the time. At some point, I have realized that when the child’s fire of anger is scorchingly hot,  as a  parent, the worst thing I can do is to pour gas on the fire, making the burning last longer and hot. You think you talk louder, mine louder than yours.  I have witnessed this too many times. I do not want fire to go out of the roof, so I started using writing.

I wrote to them when I was too upset to trust my own voice. Instead of timeout, I asked them to write down what happened and what punishment they should get if it happened again. I also ask my children to write down any of their promises, New York Resolutions, summer plans, or any action plans that they talk about.

Of course, in the process they learned how to express themselve in writing, which was a windfall in our anger management efforts.  Writing is a wonderful tool.  Right now, I write much more often than before, mainly because I am tired of talking when I don’t have an audience who is ready and willing to listen.

Indeed, if your child is above average and feels bored at school, chances are your child gets very little attention in public school.  One of the sure ways to get attention is to drop your grade to F.  As the matter of fact, keeping your little ones challenged and interested at public school has been a concern on many parents’ minds.  My son told me he could get a decent grade by dozing off half of the class. My daughter had zero patience listening to some of her classmates spending 10 minutes struggling through one line when she could scan over the whole page in that amount of time.  Both of them were buried their heads in thick chapter books when their peers were laughing out loud over picture books.

While the teachers at their schools did not have time to do anything to keep them challenged and interested in learning, I took up the chores. I assigned to them some “home homework,” which they protested vehemently.  “Not fair. None of my friends have this so-called ‘home homework’.” My son refused to move out of his comfort zone and do anything extra. Well, nice try, I told myself.

Here came the power of persuasion and othe feasible tricks, which I used until they reached middle school age.  I asked them, “Most of the kids in your class will go to our local universities, do you want to be like them?” ”No way,” their resounding answer bellowed out of their chests without hesitation. “Then you got to do something more in order to take a different route.”  Plus, always remember mom’s words “Extra work makes you extra smart.”

Thus, both of my children had done mom-assigned extra homeworks in their primary school years instead of waiting for those who lag behind.  They did them without leaving their comfort zone, though.