I just learned of this from one of my relatives yesterday. The more I think about it, the more I can dive into its meaning and appreciate its truthfulness.

On the term Karma, I don’t need to get complicated on its origin from Hindu religion, because it is nothing more than a common sense as we have many similar sayings to this effect. e.g. Sow beans, reap beans; Sow melons, reap melons. Or, you make your bed and so you lie in it.

To be sure, this is a neutral term, not a curse or a moral judgement whatsoever. Kindness yields good return while evil will eventually get what it deserves, according to the universal principle of cause and effect. Our actions, both good and bad, will visit us in the future, inescapably.

As parents, the way we treat others will come back to us in the manner of how our children will treat us. It is like a boomeranging effect — the arrow we shoot out will come back to us, never missing its target. One step further, if your children mistreat you, examine yourself for the answer.

We only need to remember the words from the song sang by Maria in Sound of Music,
“Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.”

Indeed, somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something really good.

I was going to place this entry under the category of American Culture. Then I thought it happens not just in America but in China, too. It is not the matter of culture but one of parenting.

I read a piece of news on 4/8/09 on the wonder of new technology or the abuse of this wonder. A 13-year-old Wyoming girl sent 10,000 text messages and received about the same — all while her family’s cell phone plan did not include texting, thus costing her parents $4,756.25 in one month!

She did most of the texting at school, in class, causing her grades plunging from A & B to solid F . “Hours after the enormous bill arrived,” the dad finished her daughter’s cell phone with a hammer. Action surely speaks louder than any of the 10K messages. So much for the texting.

Upon learning this, the words that immediately rushed to my head were abuse, extravagance, spoiled teenager, no self-control and responsibility, of course, the act itself being the highest level of stupidity. The dad is very wise in his hammer reaction. He would be wiser if he could be pro-active. Obviously he showed a lack of wisdom when he trusted his daughter’s discretion. Boy, he must be really mad. Who wouldn’t? Still, never too late to fix the fence.

When the 10-year-old nephew was here with me, he asked for a cell phone, saying he had one in China and all his classmates had it. He only gets my phone number. To be sure, we all love our children, even to the point of yielding to their demand, reasonable or not. My son got his cell phone during his 4th year of high school, more because he started driving on his own. My daughter has been asking for it but has not been given one so far, even though I know most of her classmates have cell phones.

Alas, let other parents spoil their children and let other kids happily texting, I cannot afford this luxury and I will not allow mine to go that path. The damage is too great to ignore — not just financial damage but also this — those stupid gossip texting takes away their precious time from their study. When precious time is thus wasted and seeing their grades loudly thump, oh, it hurts so much! Yes, I care and so should any responsible parents. Not a laughing matter!

Last Saturday, my daughter wanted to eat sushi, so I bought a tray from an Oriental store for her. On Sunday afternoon after her figure-skating lesson, upon her insistence, we went to buy the ingredients for making sushi — bamboo mat, seaweed sheets, crab meat, avocado, cucumber, pickles, and some others.

After getting home, she started trying her hand at making sushi, with a rare enthusiasm and total involvement. The first try turned out not as satisfactory as she expected. Plus, the preparation process created a huge mess for us to clean afterward.

In the end, she declared things looked easy until you try it. It was a whole lot easy just to buy sushi than do-it-yourself. For me, the end result does not matter. What really matters is her effort, her attitude and willingness to give it a try and her participation in cooking. The process of preparation was full of talks and laughter. I wish children could take this attitude at whatever they desires to do.

I was talking as if I were any better than she is at trying something new. I wish. In fact, don’t we all need this attitude before declaring, “I can’t do it” or “I am not good at it” or any other excuse we are so good at finding for ourselves?

Yesterday, my son called and talked about going to China this summer. He asked if I could go with him. I cannot because my daughter wants to take high school course in summer. Then he talked about his meeting of the Chinese students visiting MIT and his plan of seeing them again in Beijing.

I told him of the difference between children growing in China and American born Chinese like him. He agrees that the former are a lot more complicated than ABCs, but not necessarily more mature and independent. He admitted that it was more challenging to deal with students from China than with American ones.

It so happened that a friend of mine called me yesterday afternoon and also talked about a relative of hers, actually her 25-year-old nephew who came to America for his graduate study. She noticed that this boy accepted whatever service she did for him, without even saying a thankyou, as if he should be well served. It is so annoying to do something for him when he does not even know to appreciate your service.

I have to admit that many children from single-child families are rather self-centered and also children growing up in China face a more intense competition and thus are more complicated than ABCs here. If both are put to test, I have no doubt children growing in China will survive better than those ABCs. Doesn’t this tells us something about the two countries in which the two groups of children grow up?

Friday evening I took my daughter to ice-skating from 8 – 10 PM. Every time I take her there, I always see groups of teenagers, in three or four or even more, standing outside the rink, chatting, joking, laughing roaringly, and of course eating. On the other hand, my daughter is on the rink almost all the time until the session ends. She started Basic 1 figure-skating on 2/7/2009, the 6-week session ending this weekend. Her coach told me she was doing so well that she could skip 2 and 3 and move to Basic 4 in next session.

On the way home I mentioned those playful teenagers to my daughter, she said, “Oh yeah, what are they here for? They don’t skate even inside the rink at all. They stand there chatting, taking up the space, and just getting in the way. They are SO annoying.” I guess they were standing in her way when she tried to skate. Indeed, didn’t they pay these sessions to skate instead of anything else? And they are expensive. When I asked her if she could make such big progress if she were here with her friends, she said, “I guess not. I would probably spend a lot of time chatting like them. I might have some fun but not much progress.”

Which is better — travel with friends at your leisurably speed or travel by yourself and reaching your goal sooner? I wouldn’t mind if time were an unlimited free resource. Am I getting too serious again on this lovely Saturday?

Last Saturday, 3/7/2009, while my daughter was having her weekly art lesson, I was waiting at another room, enjoying the company of the two-year-old girl of a friend of mine. After all, people don’t get the chance to play with a two-year-old that often. Plus, it was a fun challenge to observe how she took sweets from me but not gave away her food, without expected reciprocation, despite of her mom’s kind insistence. It is our natural reaction to keep our food, the natural instinct for self-preservation. She reminds us how all of us were before we were socialized. It is cute and lovely at her age but worrisome for anyone beyond age 10.

Parenting is the first form of socialization. You can also call it the de-naturalizing process, in which we learn how to share, to behave according to social norms and to co-exist peacefully in a social group. We can see how the behavior of the children is thus shaped or to some extent determined during this first socialization process.

Observing the behavior of a two-year-old makes me once again appreciate the socialization process that our parents made us go through when we were this little — not an easy task as it runs against our nature. She is so much true to herself, before being first socialized. And this is what we were before. So next time when we refuse to share, we should ask ourselves, “How old are you?” Happy Friday!

Early this morning around 3:45 I drove to the airport, sending both the uncle and the nephew to China; thus ended the boy’s 8-month stay in America, from 7/20/2008 to 3/12/2009. I feel like unloading a super-size bag off my back, more responsibility than any size of a bag. A much needed break, especially after some last-minute shopping and packing!

On the way to the airport, I asked him if he could understand his teachers at school. He told me he could pretty much figure out what the teacher meant even if he could not understand all the words. “How about your classmates?” I further asked. “No, not a single bit. They talked too fast. Also, I cannot understand my teachers when they talked to each other.” At home when we watched TV over the dinner table, he would not join us because he could not understand it.

I know his mother is not satisfied with his progress in English. I would think things might have been different if he had spent more time interacting with my daughter and us at home, as I had instructed my daughter to talk to him in English. In reality, at home he was on the computer all the time, either playing games or watching Chinese movies or visiting Chinese websites or being with his mother over the Skype. He would fight unpleasantly over any attempt to interrupt his indulgence. He and my daughter are not on speaking term especially after he threatened her with kitchen chopper last November while I was in China. I wish she could forget it.

When I looked back, I realized I was rather naive and unrealistically optimistic at first, without ever anticipating any bad turn of event. Because I did not really know the boy before he came to America, I was not prepared for the drastic changes demonstrated by the boy upon his mother’s leaving for China. Well, another plan turned sour in the end, much as I have tried to add more sugar into it. Don’t we do this all the time? For me, enjoy the break and the relief.

Last Saturday was a busy one for both my daughter and me, driving her to art lesson in the morning, then to a skating lesson in the afternoon. She went skating by herself in the evening. The 10-year-old nephew wanted to skate too, so he went with us. There are some game machines, snack and pop vending machines. Many American children like to hang around these machines, eating and drinking pops, so does this boy. “I want to play games on that machine. I want to buy some drink. I am hungry, too,” he asked. He told me he likes American food better than Chinese one.

“You are more Americanized in this area than my daughter. I have already spoiled you with too much fun here and your mom will blame me for it after you get back,” I told him. It is so easy to pick up eating and gaming part of American culture for young children. And no doubt he has been on the loose while his mother is away. “I will miss this place after I get home,” he told me. He will surely need some adjustment after he gets back to his mother.

This is the last weekend before the boy leaves for China next Thursday — last one to shop for his take-home goodies and to pack in all his belongings, last time for him to go to church here, to take him around the town and take pictures, to go through the life skills that I have been teaching him, etc.

Yesterday, he went to church in the morning. I reviewed with him who Jesus is afterward. In the afternoon, we drove around to library, to Hen House, to his school, to Border’s, to Barnes & Noble’s, to Wal-Mart and took many pictures everywhere we went. In the evening, I played chess with him and taught him some tacts, telling him to keep playing with his parents after he gets back home. I also reminded him of working on his temper-control and all the life skills he has learned so far.

I am so glad to hear him saying “I am sorry. please. thankyou –” words that he has just got used to saying. He has learned politeness and respect of others will make everybody happy. He has changed a lot since this year. I wish he could take home all this and keep them with him.

I told him I was glad to see him returning to his mother because it was a huge responsibility for me and I did not have this time and energy to take care of him. Call me selfish or whatever. I am too old for another baby like him. I was already tired in the afternoon but I thought I would be relieved after his leaving. Just hang on there till this coming Thursday.

Exhausted but happy I could have done this for him and to know this is the last busy weekend, hopefully. The experience might be his last one and also once in his lifetime. So much fun, indeed! So glad to get back and relax in the office this morning.

Continue my obsession with the little poems written by this Chinese girl. She wrote it nearly two years ago. The poem shows her love of books and how much she has benefited from her dear friend — books. Books are window to the world of fun, knowledge and strength, enlightening us and uplifting us from whatever unpleasant state that we are in. So, take your child to the library or a bookstore, grab a book and read on this lovely Sunday.

“Books

Books are my best friends –
They aquaint me with plenty of knowledge;
They tells me —
Why swallows fly from south to north in Spring,
Why mosquitoes bother people in summer,
Why leaves turn yellow and fall in autumn,
And why snakes hibernate in winter.

I learn from books —
The fastest animal runner in the world is cheetah,
The largest fish species in the ocean is whale shark,
The Wright Brothers designed and piloted the world’s first airplane,
Da Vinci also contributed to the invention of bullet proof vest,
And the root of a fig tree can be as long as 120 mi!
6/18/2007″

On this Saturday morning, there is nothing more agreeable and relaxing than this small poem written by the same poet who wrote “If I were a lotus flower.” She wrote it about two years ago, before she turned 6. The poem reveals a lovely carefree child with a cheerful imagination, rendering readers a vivid picture and a feeling of immense happiness.

“Singing

I like singing.
When I am singing,
I think of a lovely bird,
Flying freely in the sky;
I think of a bright star,
Its shining eyes twinkling at night;
I think of a soft bunny,
Gently sitting by my side.
I want to loudly sing.
5/17/2007″

Don’t you want to sing with her?

It is a nice Monday morning, a lot nicer than last weekend with thick snow flying around. I felt or rather looked like a polar bear, not so cute though, driving my daughter around to her activities.

I opened an email this morning from a high school classmate, which brought me back to those long-gone years, of which I had always felt more like an onlooker or outsider than a participant. I observed, laughed, and questioned silently, more than airing any expressions.

Talk about cultural marginalization! You can feel like an outside even in your own culture. This is very much true for people having introvert tendency. Not so bad in the end if you cannot find your fit.

In high schools here, everybody belongs to one of those cliques, good or bad. It is extremely important that the children fall into the right group during the four high school years. I am so glad that my son bundled up with a few kids who were like him taking all the hardest courses in high school, single-purposely going about everyday–shooting for the star, one of his buddies got admitted into Harvard, another into Stanford and other top-class places. He hanged out with kids from orchestra team, tennis club, and his regular courses class, one party after another and endless fun! The envy of all!

Funny I have a clearer memory of my son’s high school experience than that of my own. Finally, I moved to the center!

The 10-year-old nephew will return to his mother because he misses her everyday, so much so that he cannot carry on normal daily activities alone here. The decision was made by his mother immediately after she found out that she was not able to come over, that was on 2/26/09. I bought an air ticket for him leaving on 3/12/09, together with another relative of his.

This weekend I made some preparations for his trip home, bought him a pair of brand name athelect shoes and a few bags of chocolate and other goodies. The boy gathered together everything that he wanted to take home. I did not see any English books in the pile of his stuffs. So I dug through the house, trying to find some books for him to take.

To be honest, I feel a lot relieved from this huge responsibility. It is simply too much for me to take on anything extra at this point of my life. Meanwhile, I feel heavy-hearted for my sister. I can imagine what a life would be for her when he gets back. Good thing that he listens to his mother. Actually his mother is the only one who can control him and make him listen. It is going to be a tough battle ahead for my sister.

Below is the list of life skills that I have intended to teach him. Going through the list, I found that he has learned most of them and has indeed changed a lot since his first arrival. He has become more respectful, grateful, responsible, and fair. He has learned to say “Please” “Thank you” “Can I … ?” “May I … ? There is always hope if we don’t give up. Hence, I give the list to his mother, asking her to continue working on them with him. I know he will be able to appreciate them as he gets a bit mature.
Kindness
Respect
peace
love
volunteer
caring
humble
hard working
polite
fair
help
responsible
grateful
Patience
Organization
Courage
Cooperation
Initiative
Integrity
trustworthy
gentle
thrifty
Perseverance

Indeed, we all must persevere in our own journey of life, together with all other essential life skills.

P.S. The boy likes the stuffs (mainly toys) that I bought for him. I hope these life skills that I have taught him will be the real legacy handed down to him in the long run. By the way, to give credit where it is due, I did not make up this list. It was found in my son’s backpack during his early years at primary school in Fort Wayne, Indiana. There are something so wonderful in American educational system!

I have to constantly share some ugly facts with my children:
(1) The mountains of national debts — up to $10 trillion by last September and are still endlessly growing. Who will pay the debt? You and your generation.

(2) The unprecedental large army of babyboomers who are going to retire in the coming decade. Who will support them and their medical cost? Again, lucky you.

(3) First and foremost, the future generation will have to clear up the Bush legacy — the extreme fiscal irresponsibility, his pet war, unbridled spending, and outrageous abuse of mother nature.

Keep in mind the best part is these babyboomers — well-educated, well-fed, well-groomed– will be the dominant political force. They will leave no stone unturned to out-vote the young blood so that their voice will be heard in all levels of government and their interest be served to the utmost. Yes, politically and financially, they will be in control of your pocket so that you will be lucky to be able to take home half of your paycheck. That’s how the first three tasks are taken care of.

The next generation will be inflicted with the heaviest financial burdens of all. Don’t you want to unload this burden to the next or next generation? That’s why I have kept telling my children to learn foreign languages. When push comes to shove, at least they can land on some jobs on some land and keep most of their hard-earned money. Call me alarmist or selfish or whatever. I think it unfair for the next generation to clear up after Bush. Don’t we always take a bag to clear up after our dog poops? Well, not this one.

The sun will burst out today. Well, it doesn’t take much for me to see a rosy future for our sons and daughters, does it?

As if I have not done with my complaints and must continue with it today. Now here I am, keeping on sharing with my readers about the current situation of our lovely economy.

My second major concern, which might not be warranted according to some people, is the changed job market, not a numerical one, but a structural change or a color change from blue to white collar with many jobs being gone forever through outsourcing and factory going overseas. If anything, outsourcing force is growing fast and strong. Don’t you hear all the foreign accent each time you call customer service? My colleague said, “Get me an American to talk to me.” Too bad it is not going to happen. This entails a new set of skill — the ability to work with or manage people from all parts of the world or even go wherever job market thrives. Here’s the importance of speaking many languages. I wish we were this smart!

My third one concerns American politics, one of the least pragmatic ones. Politicians would resort to any means for political gain, regardless of its dire economic consequences. The last US president cut tax in 2001 and 2003 for political expediency, then threw the country into this billion-dollar war. It never makes economic sense to decrease income and increase expense at the same time. Yet, it is so typical of American politicians to behave this way, at the risk of depressing the country. Aren’t we already depressed? They are so good at dethroning the country from its once powerful position.

What does it leave to us? Well, taking care of your own checkbook before it is empty. Share it with our youngsters so that they will be motivated to learn more foreign langauges which will open more doors to them in case they need to run somewhere. Well, they might not find it necessary if it turned out I were wrong. We certainly have a great nation — “I have a dream …” Keep dreaming!

I have kept telling my children to learn at least three languages so that they will be better positioned if they need to go global in the future. I simply do not have enough confidence in the future of US economy. Here are some of my probably unnecessary concerns.

The first huge concern is our gigantic trade deficit. To be sure, tons of writings have been generated on our this topic. There is an interesting article that asks a rhetorical question on trade deficit — “Are We Trading Away Our Future?” Well, isn’t the answer self-evident enough? This is on 2/11/2009 Foreign Trade Statistics site.

Another one on Peterson’s IIE site, written 2 years ago, “The huge and growing international trade and current account imbalances, centered on the US external deficits and net debtor position, represent the single greatest threat to the continued prosperity and stability of the United States and world economies.” Too bad the then president fixed his eyes elsewhere as “the single greatest threat.” Funny he is so famously smart!

It is not that we don’t want to export more, but we cannot create anything better and cheaper to attract other countries to buy from us. Worse than this, we have to buy tremendously from other countries because we Americans simply cannot produce goods of this price and quality. To be utterly realistic, the day will never come when we can sell more to foreign countries than we buy from them. We would be blessed if we could narrow the gap.

Don’t be so pessimistic. No country can beat us in our annual generation of garbage. We can beat all European countries combined in our production of garbage! We got to be number one on something!

Yesterday evening, on the way to ice skating place with my daughter, we talked a lot of about championing a worthy cause in our lifetime. I used to talk a lot with my son on this topic. People are often gauged by how much money they make and how large their house is or the luxious car they drive. People are so afraid of being perceived as a “loser,” hence comes the conspicuous consumption so as to wear the millionaire appearance. Talk about the hardships of living when you have to put on that expensive appearance!

I have tried hard to steer my son away from this popular conception. Try not to be enslaved by the opinion of others. Yes, money is important but it is all for a purpose. It never is the purpose in itself.

I once wrote to my son these words in my letter to him and now I shared them with my daughter. “Fling yourself to a good cause and you will find no obstacles that you cannot surmount and no suffering that you cannot endure. Identify and hold fast to a good cause that you believe worthy of your dedication, a good cause like saving the earth, feeding the hungry, education for all, protecting the endangered, sustain life on earth, finding a cure, etc. Make sincere and consistent efforts to explore the way to donate, to give and to maximize your contribution to this cause.”

Today on the way back from her art class in the morning, my daughter told me she would make efforts to protect environments. I realize the insignificance and the powerlessness of an individual’s effort in the fight against global warming, yet, if you believe it is the right thing to do, go for it regardless of what. Beside, trust me there are millions of like-minded people on this cause.

Yesterday was a busy day for me. After rushing through dinner, I took the 10-year-old boy to his school for a jump rope show at 7 PM, of which he was a part. After that, I stopped at his classroom, meeting and talking with his teacher.

The kind teacher who is not in the habit of reporting bad news told me hesitatingly that the boy could not pay attention for long in class, even during one-on-one tutoring session. He kept looking here and there or playing by himself, while teacher was talking in class. The teacher had to stop herself in the middle of teaching to get his attention back to class. I told her that we were aware of this and would work on this with him.

I did not tell his mother of this issue as she was fully aware of it already. Also, my main concerns are of his temper and his lack of self-control, both of which could be potentially destructive and dangerous. Inattentive in class? No big deal. Suck it up. Yes, I know I have been mean, as always, right?

With our limited energy and time, sometimes, we got to pick and choose where our major battle should be fought.

PS. To be fair, I must say something good about the boy. He is neat and clean, having zero tolerance of dirtiness and disorder. He cannot sit down and do his homework until his room and desk are spotlessly clean. This is far better than two of my children and I. We can grab a book and read even sitting in a pigsty. I am mainly responsible for my children’s lack of order and cleaniness. Really, I can find no excuse or explanation for myself on this not so glorious page.

Yesterday I took my daughter to her orthodontist appointment at 4 PM, then to Town Center, where she wanted to purchase a jean using her aunt’s credit card. Her aunt wanted to give her a present, but did not know what she wanted. So she was free to buy whatever she wanted, as her aunt told her.

We first went to American Eagle, her favorite hangout. She tried a pant and liked it, but walked away from it. “$35 is too expensive.” Indeed, money is money, no matter whose money it is. Next we went to a health and beauty store on Town Center. In the end she spent $10 for a bottle of lotion at Bath & Body Works. She had a chance to spend way more than this, but she didn’t. I am so proud of her for her maturity.

At Bath & Body Works store, I observed the salesgirl’s interactions with customers. She had tons of nonsense with a white customer, so natural and spontaneous; but did not waste a single word dealing with us. So laconic. I have long got used to this xenophobic behavior, or some other terms for lack of a better one. No matter how long I have been residing in this country, I am always conveniently perceived as non-American. Clear-cut category. Easy to be identified. We see categories or large classifications. Who cares the individuals within the large category? When my son was home and we went out together, people talked to my son, then asked him to explain it to me. So darling and so considerate! I should feel touched, indeed.

It is only natural when you think of “Birds of a feather flock together” and should not be surprised to hear birds of a feather singing together. Even if you can sing the same song, you are still not one of the flock. Let different birds sing their different songs, separately but happily in their own way. What we learn from this? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all.

Some children of minority families growing up and having socialized in white-dominant American culture might invariably experience certain degree of identity issue or that of belonging or cultural rootlessness.

I have observed this from the time when my son was at daycare to now as he is going to stand on his own. He expressed the wish that he wanted to be a white when he was 3 years old, playing with white kids of his age. By the time he was in high school, he was able to basically accept himself. Well, what can you do if not?

When he first left for college, he told me he would have one house in China and one in US. I realize he thought he was culturally rooted in both lands. I did not say much as I had doubt if he would fit in China.

From what I have seen there has been a severe lack of interactions and communications between my children and the two relatives from China coming to our house, one being 23-year-old at the time of his arrival, the other being 10-year-old. At first, I thought it a good opportunity for them to learn from each other, Chinese language for my kids and English for them. Can’t believe I am so simple-minded!

They grew up in two different culture environments and have next-to-nothing in common. My son kept chatting with his friends while his big cousin kept the chat via Internet with his. Right now, my daughter and the 10-year-old simply don’t talk to each other at all. “I have nothing to say to him,” as I was told. Living under the same roof like two strangers reminds me of John Higham’s book Strangers in the Land: Patterns of American Nativism, 1860-1925. Now I witness the book comes to life.

From this observation, I would think my American-born Chinese children would feel more alienated than a sense of belonging if they decide to live in China. The same can be said of us — we moved to America after we became adult and forever have this feeling of alienation from mainstream culture. Well, some did become Americanized when they go shopping like mad hares.

After more contacts with children from China at MIT, my son realized the difference between him and these Chinese children. Yes, you are a Chinese only in appearance and that can be deceiving. He told me during his last home visit that he gave up the idea of living in China.

How I love those serious-sounding topics of identity, belonging, and even to the point of crisis if not handled wisely! This may be part of growing pains, which might be outgrown like old shoes or the pains might be cured or dulled with the passing of time and gaining of experience and wisdom, if they ever gain.

There are more serious topics than this — how you are perceiced by others, how this perception influences you and the marginalization of living in America. This is too gloomy to talk about in this sunny day. Enjoy while the sun is not out-of-office. Well, actually it is sunny but very cold today, beautiful to look at from inside but not funny to go outside.

Recently I have been writing a lot on economy or a bad one, not only because it is the focus of national attention, but also out of a genine concern for my children.

American-born Chinese children grew up in America, fully soaked in the American consumer culture — shop until you drop, enjoying while you can, as if it were their birth right to consume, being spoiled in every commercialized holiday.

I have long realized the folly, the wantonness, void of discipline, brainlessness, and short-sightedness of such consumer behavior, but have not been effective enough to curtail it.

It would be a shame if I failed to take advantage of current economic situation and pass some indelible lesson to my children. After all, recession of this scale does not come often, probably once in half a century. I remember a couple that I met back in Waco, TX, in 1984. The husband told me of his parents living through Great Depression. “They never wasted a tiny bit of bread crumb. They drilled the concept of thrift at every dinner table.” Isn’t that what we should tell our children?

My intention lies in seeing my children avert the senseless conspicuous consumption demonstrated by a retirement-fund-poor BMW-driver, the extreme irresponsibility headed by Uncle Sam down to nearly every household.

A parent can never over-emphasize the need for financial discipline and can never relax in educating the youngsters about responsibilities, starting as early as they can take it.

I talk with my daughter everyday about it and really have seen delightful change in her. “Do you think it makes sense to borrow and spend more money instead of cutting down cost when you are deep in red?” I asked her. “It is stupid!” The answer is always short and sweet.

It reminded me of the words from a little child, “But the Emperor has no clothes.” Who is really smart here?

Isn’t this a self-evident truth? Not if not everybody agrees on it.

Jackie Chan, a world-known martial art actor, was one of the quartet, singing a song called Stand Up during the 2008 Summer Olympics ceremony and in 2009 Spring Festival entertainment show. Last weekend, my daughter and I watched the festival show together. We talked about this actor during our evening walk.

He was so natural, not seeking limelight, high achiever yet hugely humble in his appearance. “He would not have so many fans if he acts like VIP,” My daughter commented. We talked about celebrity and humility. Sometimes, we talk about people whom we both know so that they are like a mirror to us.

Children growing up in America seldom learn that true humility, an earmark of true greatness, is considered a virtue in traditional Chinese culture. This is not the same as appearing modest but inwardly arrogant.

Yet, kids here behave a lot better than many of their counterparts in China. To counterbalance their lack of self-confidence, many parents in China teach children to do the opposite to the point of overblowing the children’s ego, like a young child who practically looks down upon everybody around. The world would be disfiguringly bizarre if we were surrounded by people like this youngster. What has gone wrong?

The weekend rushed by so quickly with so many things still left undone. My daughter had a volunteer task with school on Saturday morning and skating lesson on Sunday afternoon. I had to go to bank and to library on Saturday. I was with her at the bookstore three times this weekend. We watched 2009 Spring Festival entertainments together in the evening. I recorded her favorite songs from this entertainment, converted it into MP3 format, then transferred it to the cell phone since she displaced her MP3 player.

I know I need to attend to many business but I have kept putting it off whenever my daughter asks me to do something for her. She will be first-year of high school, only four years before leaving for college. By the time she is off on her way, all activities happened today will become memory of the past. Thus thinking, I am willing to do whatever she asks me. This must be a shared experience by most of the parents.

I owe an explanation to my children in case they ask me this question — why do we have to keep this 10-year-old boy in our house — the boy who is prone to sudden burst of anger and to violence in the heat of ugly temper, who once threatened to slaughter my own child with a kitchen chopper and is still a potential threat to her?  Yes, no punishment is severe enough for his past violent act. 

To be sure, considering his unusually bad temper and very traumatic childhood experience, no one can guarantee he will not reach for chopper over somebody’s head in the future.  Therefore, for the safety of everybody in my house, I should keep him out of the house forever.  Apart from this, with his mother not around, this boy is very time-consuming, that is, he needs a lot of attention to get his school work done.  I am already full engaged, with my work, my book plan, my own child, and my health.  The last thing I need is another troublesome child under my care.  How crazy can I get?

Still, against the will of another adult in the house and at the risk of my child’s life, I have decided to keep him till he finishes his elememtary school, that is, by the time he turns 12,  if nothing happens before that time.

This is out of consideration for the boy and my sister.  My sister has not been blessed with a sweet temper. In fact, the boy’s bitter temper is no match to that of his mom’s. Both could jump to the sky over a tiniest bug.  To make things worse, his two parents are fighting violently and viciously,  investing more energy in their fights in recent years.  The loudness and the intensity of their fight frightened the boy to death.  The boy has spend past 10 years experiencing this kind of unhealthy uproars in his house, suffering unmeasurable psychological damages, and having his character misconfigurated.

I learned that the boy had a hard time keeping up with his school in China. He doea not belong to the rank of highly intelligent folks and refuses to roll up his sleeves for serious work. My sister sent him to me hoping he could learn English and could find some means of living if he is bilingual.

I talked to Grandma over the phone yesterday. She told me over the phone that the boy would be ruined if he went back to his parents and I was the only one who could save him.  Indeed, I have never been as feisty a fighter as my sister.  “Let him spend two years with you. Then he will go to a boarding school in China,” she said.  If I sent him back now, he could not get back to regular Chinese school after the lapse of these 6 months.  Worse of all, he will continue being tortured and ruined by the toxic family atmosphere and suffering from his mother’s uncontrolled temper.

Right now I cannot determine the feasibility and the wisdom of Grandma’s suggestion.  Yet, all things considered, I see my fate pretty much sealed and my responsibility over this boy as ineluctable as a worn-out horse tightly harnessed by a ton-weight cart.  Good luck to me.  I am sure my children can understand me.

This is too vital to miss. Last Saturday, 11/22/2008, while I was in China, something rather dramatic or traumatic happened in my house.  It was Sunday morning Beijing time, Saturday evening sentral time here.  My sister called over the internet numerous times but could not get anyone. Finally, she talked to the adult in the house and learned the first part of the following story.  She did not know about the butcher part.

A fight occurred between the 10-year-old boy and the 13-year-old girl over the use of computer. While the boy was watching movie over the internet, the girl came over asking if she could get on the computer.  The boy remained unmoved until the girl asked for the third time. The boy got so mad at the girl that he stormed downstairs to the kitchen, clutching a kitchen chopper, claiming “I am going to butcher her and then kill myself.”  The only adult in the house, hearing the loud commotion, rushed downstairs and seized the chopper from the boy.  A life or two were thus heroically saved.

Meanwhile, the girl was vastly shaken by the threat and was crying her heart out.  She kept asking why we had to keep this boy in our house.  She called her brother and also talked to me over the internet.  I didn’t know the slaughter part until I got back from China.  It hurt me tremendously in Beijing seeing her crying so miserably. I wish I could return to her side immediately. Now I understand fully why she hugged me for so long when she saw me at the airport on 11/27.  The girl has calmed down now, on the surface at least.

Meanwhile, my heart feels like under a thousand tons of iron when I think of the potential threat the boy might pose when he hits adolescent.  From my observation, the boy has difficulties with anger management and emotion control. This is the fatal part in him.  It simply shudders me when I think of years ahead.  Yes, we can keep things under control when he is 10 years old. However, nobody is his match when he becomes a brawny teenager or young man.  If this is not handled well, he has the potential to be another Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech mass murderer. For the benefit of all possible victims, including the boy himself, I have to launch tremendous efforts to nip the murder in the 10-year-old’s heart. This includes an factual account and my concern to his parents.

From my conversation with the boy, I learned that the boy had witnessed an unhealthly large dose of violence in his house when his parents were constantly fighting with hands and fists or any instrument they might lay hands on. Undoubtedly, this experience has left toxic imprints on his mind. I only hope these imprints are not indelibly etched in his heart.  I am tired, yet, still got a long way to go.

My son called in the evening of 11-11-08, two days before I am leaving for China. I was very happy talking to him over the phone. To be sure, he seldom calls home and I don’t want to disturb him with too frequent calls. I know he is busy all the time and I always call him at wrong moment.

He talked about his plan for the independent study month, the January of 2009. There was some kind of project that he needed to compete with others in order to win the funding for the project. He told me that he planned to read a lot of books, that since he lost his credit card and forgot the PIN for his debit card, he ran out of money, that he wanted to major in mathematics and he liked it very much.

I wish he had more time for book-reading. I wish I could help him in whatever way I can. As for competing for the project, as always, try your best and let luck take care of itself.

We used to talk a lot before he left for college. But gone are those days. A call from him is enough to make my day.

What do we need least? — Blame. Yes, I cannot keep my rage when someone blame me for having failed in parenting. I have been a parent of two for the past 19 years and have undergone untold hardships. I admit that I am not a perfect parent. Still, I do not need blame. I remember when some people criticized my parenting and I rose up defending myself, I was accused of “never accepting criticism.” That person has never been any help in parenting at all.

To be honest, many parents are already tired, exhausted, frustrated, even depressed in dealing with headstrong children. If, instead of offering constructive advise and help, others keep on piling blames on the failure of her parenting, which only helps to crush her will to do a good job of parenting.

I have committed many mistakes in parenting, regardless of my good intentions and constant efforts. I wish my children are resilient, always bounce back, remain a child in their hearts, becoming independent, responsible adult while remaining the innocent child inside after going through the vicissitues of life, not to be diminished by setbacks, obstocles, frustrations, betrayal, prejudices and discriminations, keeping the curiosity of the child even when they grow up.

I just realize I have so much to say to my childen and they never have time for my long-windedness.

I am fully aware of the therapeutic function of prayer of any kind. Nothing would last for long if it is totally useless. The fact religion has persisted for so many centuries proves the power and function and even legitimacy of its existence.

Yet, if it is so useful to human existence, why do we have so many disbelievers? From my own experience with religion, I have found the biggest obstable to be a true believer is my thinking and reasoning power. To truly accept God, you must suspend your reason. Suspension of reasoning and thinking ability is the prerequisite to accepting God.

Yes, you must feel the existence of God without thinking. Too much challlenging to too many people with thinking heads.

I once told my children and I hope they still remember this, “The key is to be able to open yourself, listen to your deep-seated needs, follow it naturally.” I do not want them to be fixed in any one mode of thinking or living. So easy to say, right? I have no answer yet.

This is a very big and heavy topic. I have been thinking of this for a long time and never found enough time for it. I have been asked by many people about religion. I don’t want to give out a simple answer to a complicated question.

The simple fact is I have told my children again and again, “When you are in a dire need for help, emotionally, spiritually or psychologically, if you believe God can help, go for it.” You can say my approach to religion is very practical. Right you are. This is how I perceive church — a refuge where human seeks companionship with one another. It fulfills our deep-seated spiritual and psychological need, deeper than our reason can reach.

For me, I find it extremely difficult to cognitively justify a belief in the existence of a super being. Nothing gives me more goose bumps than inconsistency — outwardly praying with a gathering of believers while inwardly thinking of something different from the utterance.

Tomorrow I will post part two on this topic.

On 9/19/2008, I went to see my dentist during lunch break. We have known each other for many years. He is such a cheerful and agreeable person that I cannot imagine he is anything other than a loving father to his children. While keeping my mouth wide open and trying to amuse me with his story, he told me about his 3-year-old. “She would not listen to me if I say nicely. I had to make a loud noise with a wood stick to get her attention.”

I would like to tell him that loud noise might work at that age. I did not say a word. Remember he still kept my mouth wide open? I never forget this incident because I sincerely wish parenting could remain that easy when the children grow big.

We are so fond of making judgment as if we were full of wisdom and so in the position to judge. It is so easy to forget that life is a matter of choice and each of us live the life of our choice, that respect others means making no judgment of other people’s choice.

Sometimes, I hear one of my children making comments of other people in a rather disrespectful tone. I realize I must have set an undesirable example in this aspect, if not explicitly. To be sure, we live in the world of unprecedented diversity, which means we must be constantly aware of and respect the diverse forms of existence, passing no judgment on others, that is, if we want to be treated with due respect, too.

I have heard some parents holding rather lavish birthday party for their children, an epoch-making event so that the children will never forget it. To be sure, the child certainly feel special when a big party is thrown on his/her B-day, with all attention on one person, the bigger the party, the more special the child feels.

Well, the question is: do they really need to feel special? If the answer is yes, the questions that follow are: is the party the best way to make them feel special? What are other ways that you can make them feel special?

I think it easier to throw one big party once a year than giving them due attention everyday in their lives. For me, I try to remind my children that everyday is the day that they should feel special, with or without any party, because they are loved and appreciated each and everyday. Plus, they know their mom does not want to spend money on such child-spoiling luxury.

Thus, no birthday party was held for both of them after they reached school age. Many of my friends asked me to hold a grand party for my son upon his high school graduation. Both my son and I had too much more important things to focus on than a party.

It has been nearly three years since I started observing with a high level of amusement of a mom and her son. The mom is past 50 years while the son is half of her age. The mom is a strong woman. She never recoils from hardship and always faces tough work with genuine smile from the bottom of her heart. She is like a huge tree for her son to lean on, which is good when the boy was little. Nice arrangement for both of them!

Yet, after the boys grew up and needed sunshine to grow on his own, the mom still presents herself as the huge tree giving shade and support to her son. Or that is what she thinks she is doing. In reality, she underhandedly deprives her son of the much-needed sunshine to grow on his own and to develop into a responsible and independent social being.

We are too smart to be such a strong mom, aren’t we or should we?

If you believe it is the right thing, do it regardless of whatever.
If you think protecting your child is the right thing to do, do it at any cost.
If you worry what others will say or feel or think, do not allow these irrelevant thought enter your mind in the first place.
If you let this bother you to the extent that you sacrifice your child so that you can silence others, you commit number one crime as a parent. For me, number one responsibility of a parent should be protecting the child from any possible harm.

As a parent, we often face the choice between pleasing the need of some people while neglecting the need of the child. The extreme case of such parent is Susan Smith of South Carolina who murdered her two children so that she could get married to another man. How stupid and how easy some parents can lose their minds.

The child’s need comes before anything else. Let Hades take care of any whining adults who are too selfish to think of anything else but themselves.

While taking a walk with the youngsters in my family, I asked them what they thought of the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” One tried to retell the story, the other told me the strongest house, the house of brick, was built by the youngest pig.

I hope the youngsters will always remember the moral lesson of the story — no pain, no gain; the level of the comfort and security that you will enjoy in your life is in direct proportion to the level of efforts you put into it. It would be too late by the time you need this security but you have not built for yourself.

Of course, the first and the second pigs can run to the brick house of the third pig. But living under other people’s roof? That’s too much compromise of our dignity as an individual human being.

With another adult in the family being out of town, I was left with three children today.  Cooking and cleaning took a large chunk of time.  No fun in this sunny day when I wanted so much to have some outside activities. The youngest one has proved to be most out of control.

His mother told me not to let him watch Chinese movies at all, as he should watch English movies to improve his English. I thought he did not have any friends around and did not find much joy in reading and any other activities, Chinese movies appear to be the only thing he truely enjoys here at home.  I would not implement his mother’s instruction to the letter and deprive him of this rare entertainment.  I have been kind to him but obviously he has repeatedly abused this chance of entertainment.

Tonight he watched it till after 10 PM, the time he has promised to go to bed. Upon being asked to leave the movie, he refused and would not even let me talk by raising his voice.  I don’t accept any breach of promise or any attempt to overpower me as he thinks he can.  So I told him to leave and I stopped the movie.  He was mad, crying and making a scene, saying he would never watch it any more and never watch anything at all. With that, he gave me the CDs and told me to throw them away.

On the surface I would do what he told me — throwing it away.  After awhile, he came to me, demanding me  repeatedly to tell him how I would dispose the CDs.  I told him, “Leave me alone. I can do whatever I want.  It is not your business.” He would not take this for answer and insisted on being told.  I told him, “You can treat your mother this way when you demand something.  But you cannot treat me as if you can make me do whatever you want.  Please respect my right not to tell you something I do not want to tell. You are an individual and I am an independent individual, too. I treat you with respet, so should you respect me.”  

I have never met anyone who has tried to control me like he does.  Just a few days ago, he told me he outsmarted me because he has read more than I do and thus knows more.  I don’t know what to say to him.  He told me “You are so dumb and I can trick you easily.”

I am sure he does not understand what I said about respect and individual at this point.  I am not upset with him. I just feel there are so many things that he needs to be told and so many places that I feel he needs to improve.  I know it is more than I can handle.

He realized I did not want to talk. So he left me alone but left a note on my bed, saying “I was not right in arguing with you.  Please accept my apology.  Can I have the CDs back?”  I knew he has regret giving me the CDs and telling me to throw them away.  He really needs to learn a lesson this time. Therefore, I will do what his mother told me to and will not return these CDs to him before his mother comes back.

I have to record this incident as it is still fresh in my mind.

The 10-year-old boy in my house feels like a horse out of reins, a bird out of cage, totally free when his mother is far away. Thus some behavior issues followed. I threatened to tell his mother.  It worked until he found out I would not tell at all.  Why should I when I know the mother, being so far away, cannot do anything at all?  Also, it is not pleasant for any mom to learn of the problems with her children.  So I make the point of not telling his mother anything she did not want to hear.

The day before yesterday, 10/28/2008,  when the boy spattered water while taking shower, I told him not to. He would not listen and did not care if I told his mother.  ”Go ahead telling my mom,” he anticipated this and told me not without a challenge.  

I tried to figured out what was going on in his mind at that moment.  First of all, he knew I was too nice to say something unpleasant about him to his mother and have not ever done this before, which is absolutely true.  Secondly, even if I do tell on him, he can always explain away his problems to his mother, which is also absolutely true. Thirdly, he thinks I am simply at my wit’s end and all I could do was telling his mother.  I think he has too much underestimated my mental power.  I would be a fool if I fall into this booby trap. 

So I said, “I am not going to tell anyone.  I can handle everything. If you do it again, I will simply open the bathroom door and shut down the water.”  He knows I am serious from my tone. No more was said on it any more.  Yesterday, he did not play with water in shower as he had done before.

On reading English book, He would not listen to me when I asked him to. So I talked to his teacher, asking her to make reading homework for him. So she did. Yesterday I told him he would tremendously displease his teacher if he did not do what his teacher asked. The trick worked so far. I will have to think of something else when it stops working.

This further proves loving care alone won’t always work. Sometimes tacts and tricks can help in parenting.  This piece is too interesting to miss.

A friend of mine called me today about her daughter who was born in the same year as my daughter but only around the end of the year.  She told me her daughter experienced tremendous changes this year. Plus she often feels bored at school.  I only told her to have the child read as much as she can. She feels her daughter already reads a lot and really see no point of reading like this. I did not say more.

I was a bit surprised that she called and talked about her daughter.  Because I remember she is not a devoted parent as some of my friends are.  She used to spend a lot of time watching TV and on other self-entertaining activities. I wish I could share with her more on reading and the parenting and understanding of teenagers, yet I held myself back. I did not even share with her this site. I know she is not interested in listening or reading whatever I write here and will have time for it.

To be honest, she is one of the few carefree parents that I have ever known who loses no time enjoying herself.  She reminds me of one of our relatives.  That relative’s 25-year-old son is here with us.  Sometimes, I wish I could be that carefree and I would have the whole weekend for myself.  People are amazingly different.

Here’s someone’s latest promise: “I will not go clothes shopping for two monthes unless I find a job.” The whole entry was deleted at someone’s request (10/25/2008)

Once upon the time, there is only one little girl with a big brother in the family. Then things began to change with a new arrival.  Thus begins today’s story… The whole posting had to be deleted at someone’s request. 10/25/2008