Last weekend, while on the way to the library, we talked about it. I asked her if she remembered the word that I told her on her 13th birthday.
“You said ‘you are 13 only once,’” she said.
“Then I said the same thing on your 14th, 15th, and 16th birthday,” I said.
“Thanks for reminding me,” she said.

I know she does not need a reminder this time. So I said instead “Happy birthday. Remember what I said before. Time flies. The only way to get more out of our limited time is to put more value into your time.” This way we won’t regret when we look back years later.

Still, she did celebrate her birthday with a friend last Friday.
Happy birthday, my dearest daughter!

When you were five years old, you stayed in China for over a year. You came back in March 1995. When you first went to school in Fort Wayne, IN, later that year, I was worried that you were not used to school in America because Dad kept recalling how miserable he was when he went to school. But you bravely waved your little hand, went straight to school and proved that there was really no need to worry. I still remember vividly the little image of the six-year-old with a large school bag in your back. When I think back, you actually showed a remarkable ability to adjust to the environment. I think this ability has helped you in your college years.

Now, every time I talk to you, you are always busy. To many people, being busy seems to be a good thing. Because it means job security, which is their top concern in this bad economic time. I know it means a different thing to you. But no matter how busy you are at office, I hope you can keep its impact on your life to the minimum.

On your special day, while wishing you a happy birthday, I am sending you this Chinese saying — “Don’t just pull the cart without looking at the road.” In other words, don’t lose sight of the big picture, or, don’t just see the trees without seeing the forest. Keep an eye on the industry’s trends and development.

The big picture include knowledge on  (1) Companies –profiles of new and mature companies, strategic alliances, mergers and acquisitions; (2) Money –Where it is going, that is, where top investors are placing their bets and who is raising funds, corporate financing, both public and private; (3) Scientific milestones and breakthroughs, the latest, the cutting edges, the innovations and discoveries, the emerging technologies; (4) Sometimes, it helps a leader to identify opportunities and threats when he knows what his competitors are doing.

Happy birthday and enjoy the bachelor party in Vancouver!

It sounds so familiar as I see the same pattern from my daughter. Every time when she is too lazy to think, she would come out with IDK. Sometimes when I push for more question, she would tell me to leave her alone, a more direct way of telling me “It is not that I don’t know but that I just don’t want to think.”

As parents who know what is best for their children, instead of giving up, we should insist on doing the right thing. We might change our questions or change topics or ask when is the best time to talk or simply explain one more time the benefit of using our brain. Do anything to set children think. Do anything is better than giving up our efforts.

Yesterday evening, as I prepared her snack, she asked, “Mom, what would you do if I am not here?” Well, she must have seen me busy around her, attending her various needs when she is home and came up with this question.

It gives me a warm feeling that she has noticed this and cared enough to ask. Actually, she knows that I have many plans and many things to do. At least, she knows the house is in serious need of cleaning. Only I seldom have time for these small items and big projects.

Instead of going to her school right after work at 3:30 pm, here’s what I will do today:
(1) take a walk or jogging;
(2) sort through a pile of documents to see how much paper junks that I can get rid of;
(3) get ready 2011 tax filing documents;
(4) dinner, probably not?
(5) read;
(6) if I still have energy left, I might do some cleaning to get the house ready for Spring Festival.

Academic
1) Get at most 1 B next semester, raise GPA to 4.4
2) Proficient at web programming — PHP, MySQL, Javascript

Health
1) Run & workout consistently again every day, 4 times a week on average.
2) Eat healthier, cook more for myself

Startup
1) Raise incubator/angel money for a startup idea and/or become ramen profitable ($2000/month)

Other
1) No more set and forget
2) Cut living expenses to below $800/month
3) Start using Mint/Tracking finances

I dug it out on 8/29/2011.

My son graduated and we all went to Boston to attend his graduation ceremony on 6/3/2011. And he came back for a few days before heading back east.

My daughter went to a summer camp on 6/25/2011, first time being away for so long. I went back to China the next day.

My son started working in New York in mid July 2011.

My daughter became a National Merit Scholar for her high performance in PSAT.

My son came back home for Thanksgiving break on 11/23/2011.

My son came back for Christmas with his girlfriend on 12/22/2011. So delighted to have more people in our house.

My daughter went to New York yesterday to spend a few days there.

We had a few gatherings with friends either at our house or theirs.

I am happy and grateful.

It was a short visit from late Wednesday afternoon to early Saturday evening. As usual, my daughter was not happy to see her brother leaving. I said, “Just be thankful that we had him for the Thanksgiving. He is always busy. Plus the hardship on the way, with ear-pop, having to get up insanely early, and being so tiresome on the airplane.”

As always, we talked and I feel assured once again to learn of his plan and effort, unremitting as before. I told him it was terrible to stay put, be bogged down and become a lifer in one place.

The biggest challenge is yourself, a product of your habitual way of thinking and getting things done. The inertia dictates us more powerfully than in natural world. It is a challenge to surpass yourself and see if you can think differently from yourself.

It is always a renewing experience for both my daughter and me, knowing what he will be doing and what he expects of us. We just keep doing the same thing, though being so far apart.

First of all, my son is coming home today for Thanksgiving break. I am greatly thankful for this.

We will have a family friends come over tomorrow. Gathering with friend always adds joys to the festival.

With so many people unemployed, I am glad I still have a job to occupy.

Seeing young cancer patients at our clinics, I have to feel blessed for being healthy.
…
Let us hope we can all stay happy and healthy.

I said to her, “You should feel blessed now.” She agreed that she was fortunate on two accounts. Number one she does not have cleft lip or cleft palate; number two, if she had it, we could afford to fix it for her as we fixed her teeth before.

She announced that we definitely need to help these unfortunate children by our donation. I said we would be able to if she could be more economic by not insisting on eating out. As it is, we have to let her eat out at least three times a week when she did not like home-made meals.

She then solomnly promised that she would be more thrifty and not picky in eating, less eating out if we made this donation. I did what she asked as I am all for her big heart.

“This is an exam. You are not supposed to ask your family members,” she said.
“Take home is like an open book exam, why can’t you ask others?” I asked.
“Our teacher said you are not allowed to check the internet or to ask others.” she insisted.
“But who knows if you get help and understand what you are doing. After all, what matters most is you are learning.” I pressed on.
“Mom, you don’t have any moral!…” she charged.

I agreed I compromise when I see no harm to others. But my daughter is totally unshakable in her moral stand. I am proud of her.

I wanted to tell him that it gives me an immence pleasure and pride when I mention him to my colleagues. But I didn’t. I think he knows how proud I am of him.

I told my colleagues how my son walked out of college debt-free and with a good job in New York. I knew I sounded like bragging and I shouldn’t, especially in front of some people whose children could not find jobs and had to move into their parents’ house after college.

“Don’t do anything that won’t make your mother proud.” — I don’t think this is the great motivation for young people to work hard. Still, I am as proud as a peacock because it is the right thing to do.

I told her that one female colleague of mine back in 1999 at DMR Consulting group was hugely worried when there was layoff because she carried four car payments plus her house mortgage, four new cars: two for the couple, two for her daughters. Why did they have to have new cars when they could not afford them? We have never bought new cars. Our cars are all one-year-old pre-owned cars and we never got loan for our cars.

At some point, the topic changed to being a good person. She asked me why being a good person was not good enough. “Not doing bad thing is good, but it is a not-worth-mentioning good, because it is too easy to be this good. Also, people don’t simply accept what you claim. The difficult part is to prove you are good in a creative way. Remember, as with many things in life, the harder it is, the more credit you will be given.”

On 8/23/2011, while I was at work, upon learning the earthquake in Virginia, I emailed my son, asking if he was ok and hoping he could fill in some detailed description about the quake in New York.

“yep no worries, everything’s fine here.” was his answer.

On the one hand, I wish he could write more; on the other, I would not like it if he fills me in with too much insignificant details. No nonsense. No dissecting details. I like it this way and hope he can remain so. After all, he is a typical man, nan-zi-han, not a Jonathan Franzen type.

I don’t remember exactly what happened. But I do remember I once worked on two things with my daughter. One was extra math work; the other dealt with allowance. To be sure, she did not want to do anything extra at that time and she did want allowance as her classmates had.

I showed my daughter this record with her handwriting. Both of us agreed that it would benefit her tremendously in terms of her math skill and her money management, if she had kept up this practice. Too bad it lasted only two weeks.

When I look back, I realize that I should have followed it through. It is entirely up to the parents to insist on the beneficial practice for the children, even if it means some unpleasant moments. The children will be grateful to the parents when they become mature.

I am certain that Amy Chua’s children would not have been so accomplished if she gave up as I so often did with my children. I hope other parents can learn something from this incident.

Understandably, nothing is the same when he lives away from home, with no one serving his meals, washing his clothes, etc. Even air conditioning is not as cold as it is at home. The young man said it was like living in China’s countryside. Indeed, it must be so for most of children of wealthy second generation.

They are like growing up in a bottle of honey, metaphorically speaking, with everything provided and without ever tasted a day of hardship in their lives.

I once told my sister that for most people, coming to America could be life-changing experience. First of all, you got nobody to turn to and have to be utterly independent by working your way up. Secondly, with a heightened sense of insecurity, you are more keen on saving than spending. Hence, you have to learn to live a more thrify life in America than you are in China.

I thought my sister would go soft on her son, telling him to buy whatever he needs for his comfort level. She turns out much wiser than I thought. She thought it a good thing that her son had some tough days in his life, the so-called tasting bitterness (chi ku) in Chinese. She said children growing up in China now were too much spoiled, having never known what hardship means in life. With this experience, he will learn to be tough and appreciative of what he has in life.

I wish my children had an opportunity of going through some form of hardships in life. Such experience can exert life-changing impact on people.

This is the first time in her life that she shared a room with 18 girls! Living in such close proximity forced people to become intimate friends in a day or two.

This is also the first time that she left home on her own. She has demonstrated a clear sense of right and wrong when she talked about some people in the camp. She has coped well with life outside home, made many friends and could turn to them for help when she needed. This is like a prelude to and preparation for her college life which will happen in two years.

It is such a pleasure to see the changes in her through this experience. A worthwhile camp!

We left home a little after 6:30 in the morning and found a long line already formed outside the embassy. It was nearly 11 by the time we headed home.

Most of the visa applicants were young students. While they were inside the embassy, their parents were waiting outside for many hours, over three hours in our case. Seeing these anxious parents, I thought of this Chinese saying.

1. When asking for something, say “Please.”
2. When receiving something, say “Thank you.”
3. Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
4. If you do need to get somebody’s attention right away, the phrase “excuse me” is the most polite way for you to enter the conversation.
5. When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
6. The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
7. Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
8. When people ask you how you are, tell them and then ask them how they are.
9. When you have spent time at your friend’s house, remember to thank his or her parents for having you over and for the good time you had.
10. Knock on closed doors — and wait to see if there’s a response — before entering.
11. When you make a phone call, introduce yourself first and then ask if you can speak with the person you are calling.
12. Be appreciative and say “thank you” for any gift you receive. In the age of e-mail, a handwritten thank-you note can have a powerful effect.
13. Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
14. Don’t call people mean names.
15. Do not make fun of anyone for any reason. Teasing shows others you are weak, and ganging up on someone else is cruel.
16. Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.
17. If you bump into somebody, immediately say “Excuse me.”
18. Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and don’t pick your nose in public.
19. As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.
20. If you come across a parent, a teacher, or a neighbor working on something, ask if you can help. If they say “yes,” do so — you may learn something new.
21. When an adult asks you for a favor, do it without grumbling and with a smile.
22. When someone helps you, say “thank you.” That person will likely want to help you again. This is especially true with teachers!
23. Use eating utensils properly. If you are unsure how to do so, ask your parents to teach you or watch what adults do.
24. Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.
25. Don’t reach for things at the table; ask to have them passed.

This is the first time that my daughter left home alone. On the way to the airport, I kept pumping advices into her. Of course, safety is always my top concern. Next, take good care of yourself so that you don’t get sick.

This is what I kept telling both of them — you have your parents when you are at home, but away from home, you will have to count on your friends if you are in need of help. That means you must make some friends after you leave home. Create your own circles. Parents cannot be with you all the time.

I still remember when my 17-year-old son returned home from Russia, safe and sound, excited and full of words about his experience. Hopefully, through this experience, my daughter will make a big step forward in terms of maturity, independence, and responsibility.

It is a short stay and a very enjoyable one. We already have a lot of good time together, though I know I will never have enough of this good time. Still, a man got to do what he got to do.

Before he leaves, I make sure he keeps in mind the key points that I made on his graduation date. I told him they might be old-fashioned advice, but they are still very much valued. You won’t go wrong if you could follow them.

(1) Be a good person.
(2) Never lose sight of the large picture of life.
(3) Learning is a lifetime endeavour.
(4) Always see greatness in others and find improvement in yourself.
(5) You are valued not by how much you possess but by how much you give.