This is one of the few postings that I write prior to their birthday. Most of them I have said to them before. In fact, I emphasize to them not once but several times. I won’t stop until I see the sign of improvement in them.

Firstly, you are 15 or 21 only once. Take full advantage of what you have at this moment because the moment will be gone forever, faster than you realize it.

Secondly, think ahead. It will always motivate you to action if you can think of this question everyday– what do you want to see yourself five years down the road?

Thirdly, when you were little and did not know better than wasting time while taking extracurricular classes. Now, it is high time you should realize that taking any classes is an investment, from which you should expect some returns. Like all investments, the cost for this one is your time.

You have way passed the age when you simply follow your instinct without thinking or do whatever you like, going around purposelessly and carefree. Get into the habit of making yourself accountable for the time you spent on these classes and any other activities, especially those classes that run year after year. That is, after dedicating a few years on one class, you should expect yourself to reach certain level on this and always try to make your skill work for you. If you don’t set any target of achievement and still behave like primary school pupils — doing thing for fun, you will most likely waste your time. You are better off putting this time into something else. In fact, it is high time that you should stop doing something just because you want, even if you have something more urgent on hand.

Yesterday morning I drove my daughter to Union Station for the last science seminar for this school year. It always feels my heart with excitement when I see the gathering of so many young people.

On the way back home, I shared my excitement with my daughter. Of course, she does not feel the same way since she is with people of this age group everyday and in fact, she is one of them.

These young people not only remind me the days when I was their age, but also the dreams and aspirations that I used to have back then. For them, the world is yet unfolding before their eyes, filled with unlimited opportunities and possibilities. As I was told before, the sky is the limit. Reach out for your dream and your future will be as bright as anything you can imagine.

I mentioned to my daughter some young people that both of us know of. I cannot say the same thing of those people as they are over 10 years of her senior and have way passed their high school years.

Alas, we are young and have this unlimited opportunities only once. Time and tide wait for none. Nothing will be the same once the youth years are gone. Talk about type A personality! This is especially written for my children.

On the Sunday of 2/7/2010, while I was waiting outside the rink for my daughter’s skating, I had a nice chat with a parent whose daughter was also in the rink. She came from Taiwan and told me something interesting about Taiwan. Well, interesting because I hear of the same thing going on in mainland China. It is called chewing the old bones. That is, adult children living off the backs of their parents.

These adult children have graduated from college but choose to stay at their parents’ home doing nothing. Because they have not found a job of their like. Sometimes, it is because they don’t like what they are paid; or they are afraid of hardship involved in the job; or they don’t like people around their work place. Anyway, they can find thousand of lame excuses for not working outside home because they can always live on either their parents’ paycheck or their parents’ life time savings.

I know of one such young people staying home for a year after graduation, saying “I could go to work at … because the few thousand monthly salary is not worthy it…” I don’t know what has happened to young people today, but I firmly believe the root of this problem lies in the parents who have spoiled and continued to spoil and ruin their children. The adult children could always find some earnings at a fast-food restaurant before they land on their ideal position. But they wouldn’t. Because they have their loving parents to feed and shelter them. Nice parents, complain not. You reap what you sow. For the adult children, enjoy your leisure till the old bones are thoroughly consumed.

Last Sunday a friend of mine called from Alabama. She told me something more pathetic than funny.

She knows a couple whose child used to work in Seattle area. The couple told their child that they would move to Seattle just to be near to the child. As they were planning on the move, the child told them he was going to move to east coast due to a job transfer.

It is perfectly understandable when the aging parents want to live closer to their children. Yet, the children have their own career and lives. It is simply not feasible to follow the younger generation whenever they make a move.

I cannot laugh when I see myself as one of them.

March is the month for both of my children, the month reminds me how much I have been blessed by their presence.

Every time my son calls and asks about me, I feel so much blessed;
Every time my daughter calls me from downstair, “Mom, come and eat delicious food,” I feel delicious food already in my mouth;

When my son talks to me about his plan and activities, I feel abubdantly proud and rewarded.
When my daughter told her brother “Mom has been sick” and my son asked me over the phone why I did not tell him this, I am certain I am already better with their loving concern.

When I come home tired, my daughter insists that I rest in bed and not cook the dinner, I feel a warm stream rushing through my body.

Parents will enjoy the blessing of the shade when the young seedlings they raised with tender loving care have grown into skyscraping trees, able to stand any extreme weather, and ready to give back to those who have loved and raised them.

Some parents say that the most stressful time is holiday seasons with shopping and party preparation. Since I do no shopping and am too lazy for any preparation, I find the most stressful moment is when a child asks for something and will not take no for the answer. More often than not, it is a test of will between the minor and the parent, which often constitutes daily occurrences.

Of course, one of the sure ways to avoid this kind of stress is to take a laissez-faire attitude, be a yes-man all the time. In so doing both parents and the children will have an easy time, totally stress-free.

Yet, I don’t think it is the choice for most of responsible parents. At least, I cannot sit still when I see a picky child eating all meat without any vegetables, or that child insisting on watching TV after bedtime or playing on the computer without doing what he/she is supposed to do, etc.

Moreover, with laissez-faire attitude, you will likely cultivate in your child an expectation. That is, the child will expect an yes answer and feel frustrated or even mad over a negative one.

Looking back, I think it is easy to say no when the child is small. I remember the time when my son was small and made a scene at the store when his demand was denied. I would firmly took him out of the store and avoided taking him there as long as I could. Next minute he forgot the whole thing.

But things are totally different when your child is big and seems to have a much stronger will than you do. For me, this is the most stressful part of parenting. Still, in the long run, for the children’s wellbeing, I believe parents should stand firm, with some discretions, even if it means a stressful tug-of-war.

During my early school years, there were something that was kept pumping into my ears, so much so that I didn’t really have a good feeling about it at that time but it is this something that I remember clearly and now I am doing the same thing on my children the way it was crammed down on me. The main idea is you always plan at the beginning of the day or the year or any activity instead of at the end of it when it is too late.

I remember how my father had serious talks with me on laying out a plan for the summer break or winter break. It was basically no different from what we now do, setting a goal and an action plan for reaching this goal. How I disliked it when I longed nothing but play for my break. Now I realize it is such a wise move and a good habit, so that I would not fool away the precious time, though I am not sure I cared that much about time.

Even my daughter has heard of SMART action plan. How darling it is, except not many people follow their plans to the letter. I wish both of my children would listen to me and get into the habit of having a good plan before any activities.
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timebound

As a nation, it is so convenient to forget this simple truth, that is, with action speaking louder than words, we don’t need to preach this or that to other nations. We simply demonstrate what we expect others to do by our deeds. We cannot expect other nations not to engage in invasion when we invade other countries. When the U.S. condemns Iran of acquiring nuclear weapon, Iran could easily say, “We will be just like you, no more no less.” What a compliment! Indeed, the best praise from our enemy is to see them emulating you.

If a parent articulates uncivilized words and behaves unreasonably toward the youngsters, the children have every reason to behave accordingly. If you spend most of your disposable time on TV or Internet or any trivial pursuits, your children will surely follow your lead toward a mediocre end. You cannot expect an otherwise behavior from your children. Parents who indulge in computer games are disgusting hypocrites when they expect their children to be someone else. Remember the saying “a child is a chip off the old block?” Well, the old block determines what kind of chip it will be.

Too much challenge to us parents not to be hypocrites, right? It is never easy to be better than ourselves.

With the global recall of Toyota Prius gas-electric hybrids car, I smell another case of blaming game, that is, people have shifted too much responsibilities unto their vehicles when they got into accidents or when they abuse their car. I have been driving Toyota since 1986, all kinds of them, and the only problem that I have is cop’s speeding tickets, which is my own problem. I believe firmly that Toyota of all models are of top quality, in spite of its recent problems. Very often, it is people’s driving habit plus 10 cups of alcohol that get them into trouble with their cars.

This is very much similar to the famous 2003 obesity suit against McDonald’s restaurants for being responsible for making people fat and unhappy. And there have been numerous class-action lawsuits by lung cancer patients against tobacco companies.

Currently there are about 43,000 people killed in fatal car accidents each year in the U.S, and the number is climbing each year, with over 40% fatal crashes being alcohol-related. Until people take responsibility for their own lives, stop drink-and-drive, text-and-drive, and all other forms of risky behavior, no matter how safe the vehicles are, there is no hope of seeing a reduction of fatal car accidents.

One step forward, for an individual, only when we stop seeing ourselves as passive victims at the hands of others and stop enlarging the power of any external forces do we start taking responsibility for our own lives and turning a new leaf in the writing of our own history. So much fresher now.

This is written for all the young people that I care of, especially for my children.
Computer technologies are wonderful things when they can take us surfing globally without ever leaving our bedrooms or even bathrooms. Yet, I have posted some entries on the negative sides of this and I am doing it again as I observed nothing less than this psychological addiction to the internet among young people that I know of, including my own children. They find no life nor meaning outside computer, so much as that the touch of the topic triggers a sure fight between parents and their children.

As with all culture artifacts, there are producers and consumers, with the formers being the creators of these artifacts, the makers and movers in human history. The consumers are those who passively view and receive whatever channeled to them through the internet. There is nothing wrong with being consumers, only if you don’t care about consuming away everything you value in your life.

It is rather foolish to assume the consumers pay nothing for whatever channeled to them via the internet. As far as I can see, when people pour large chunks of time day and night, month rolling into years, they pay with the most expensive price for internet consumption — that is, their time and their dear life.

Yet, it is a terrible realization when you have consumed away your daily hours and then your youthful years, with the ultimate casualty of this addiction being your dream and ideal, your future and your life. This is not a false alarm. It is a real heartfelt wakeup call. The sooner you wean yourself off this addiction, the brighter is your future. Otherwise, doom to that future of yours and whatever dreams you may have. With that, you will remain a lifelong mediocre internet consumer.

I talked to my son about yesterday’s posting as I believed he could have played a positive role and could have prevented it from happening. I also wanted him to learn a lesson from this. I reminded him of the time when the other adult in the family threatened to disconnect our internet service. My son was around my daughter’s age and was on the internet all the time. Imagine what would become of him if both adults stood firm behind this decision.

I imagine without the internet my son would spend more time with his friends who had internet connection. He would spend less time at home and less time doing school work. One can never tell what he would do all the time at his friends’ house. One thing I am positively sure if that happened, he would not be able to go to the kind of college that he is in.

It is important that we do not lose sight of the big goal. Sometimes, in order to reach your goal, it is crucial that parents know how to be flexible and how to bargain some terms with the children so that both sides give in a little inch and move forward a whole mile. It is stupid to insist on parental authority all the time as if parents were always right. It is even more stupid to think that a parent is the boss of the family and must have the final word and must be the winner in any fight with the children. What kind of victory is that when a parent defeats the children? When the children lose, no one wins in the end.

While I was in China, I was very concerned about my daughter and the other adult.

Indeed, fight occurred between the two as I was afraid all the time, and with rather disastrous consequence. After I got back, I saw something broken in the house, a telephone and a small table — my daughter did it when she was mad at the other adult.

“He promised to take me to bookstore after I have finished my homework and piano practice. After I’ve done everything, he still wouldn’t take me,” explained my daughter.

The other adult said he had not promised and my daughter had not finished her work. More important, she would have a chapter test the next day and should have prepared for it.

My daughter thought the other adult was unreasonable and threatened not to go to school any more. “Fine with me. I don’t care,” was the answer. This droved her so mad that she started expressing her anger in as forceful manner as she felt pleased.

The consequence of the fight:
(1) My daughter did not go to bookstore
(2) She wasted the whole unknown amount of time without preparing for the upcoming test.
(3) The result of that chapter test turned out to be the worst of all, directly threatened the whole semester grade and more.
(4) My small table became a shambles
(5) A telephone and others are out of use.

To me, the biggest damage is her study. Both my daughter and I were nearly speechless when we saw the test result. For the rest of the semester, she needs to muster all her energy to pull herself out of the mess. I will have to think twice next time I go back to China.

The fight was ugly to the extreme. It is what it is.

On the New Year’s Day when I shared my observations of another mother with one of my relatives in China over the internet, she pointed out an interesting phenomenon inside a family. It always seems like a rule with very few exceptions.

Very often the one who does most for the children gets least credit and least appreciation. This, at least, matches with one real life experience that I have witnessed, in which the mother wholeheartedly serves her child who, on the other hand, adores the father of the family and treats the mother as someone less equal. In this sense, such mothers play the role of un-sung heroines.

I don’t know how to explain this phenomenon, other than the father must have something that the youngster adorns and admires and the mother lacks this. One step further, in the long run, for children, what matters is not what we do for them but what we have achieved ourselves when they look back. Most people, at least young people, don’t have this maturity to appreciate silent heroines.

Still, if it is the right thing to do, do it regardless how children view it. After all, silent heroine is better than noisy un-hero. Yes, I just invent a word and I am so proud of my invention.

PS. I got back from China Wednesday evening and received a long standing hug from my daughter.

I have been fortunate to know some parents who either unduly over-praise or over-criticize their youngsters. I know of one parent who keeps saying her child is the best even if the fact points to the opposite. On the other hand, another parent always find faults with her children even if they are far better than the average. The over-critical parents must have an extremely high standard for their children, which is equally damaging to the children.

It seems a big challenge for parents to be realistic and objective about their children, as it is a rather emotionally charged topic and as with any emotional topics, people tend to get unreasonable and very subjective.

Every time I hear parents bragging out of proportion about their children, I ask myself, “What is it for? Is it for parents’ vanity or what? Is it to prove that they have been successful as the parents?” When parents deliberately ignore the stark fact, there are always some unspeakable reason behind their minds.

It would help tremendously if we understand perception influences and often becomes reality. Until we can get closer to reality and confront with the unpleasant truth, we cannot expect to initiate any change for the better.

While chatting with some of my long-time classmates, as early as our Preschool/Kindergarten years, we inevitably shifted the topic to parenting. We shared a similar family background with our parents serving in the army and dedicating their whole lives to the revolutionary cause, giving no thought of proper parenting of their youngsters, so typical of parents in those years.

Our parents gave us the least attention while we needed them most. Talk about proper guidance and nice things like these! Many of us got into the field of learning which least fit us and changed careers later in our lives.

Now that I become a parent, I want to do my share of duty and avoid the same experience in my children as I see it as the mission of a parent to discover what the children are interested in and where their natural aptitudes are and guide them through their formative years.

To be sure, nearly all parents throughout generations have the best intention for their children, but the results are so much different, subject to so many unpredicatable factors resulting from their personality, environment, and parenting style.

I like this well-known saying uttered by this classmate of mine, “Sow mellon, reap mellon; sow bean, reap bean.” So is it true with parenting, so is it with older children when they should know better than being stupid with their time.

A friend of mine sent me a long piece on why people come into our lives. I cite the season part below.

“People come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
…
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
…”

They are your children who come into the lives of their parents only for a season. When the season is over, they move on to their own lives. Therefore, treasure every moment of it when the season is still in.

P.S. I contacted two college classmates the next day after I arrived in Beijing, whom I have not seen for some years. To my surprise, the two reacted differently to my contact, with one sounding warm-heartedly and the other communicating coldness and suspiciousness, as if … Well, very interesting because they come from different social backgrounds.

I have shared my New Year Eve posting with my children and some of my friends as my heartfelt New Year wish. I hope they will appreciate the message in my writing and cram value into their time. Yet, I am not sure if it will happen. As a saying goes, “Man proposes, God disposes.” Eventually, whatever parents proposes, it is up to the children to make it a reality.

I talked to a monitor on 12/23 at SMMC about parenting. She has two young children. She said my children were lucky to have the proper guidance during their formative years. I said, “They are lucky only if they take my advice, and that I am not sure of.” Same as with other people that I talk and get in touch with. By the way, to my surprise, I have found not many people are truly interested in being wise parents for their children’s sake, though nearly all parents wish their children well.

P.S. Once again, I must reiterate this to my children. I found out social networking and Internet surfing are the biggest time-thief of all. Watch out!

Happy New Year!
This post is scheduled to be out on 01-01-10 01:01. It is so cute to see so many 01s lining up neatly, reminding me of the binary numeral system.

“It is this time of the year,” I told my children to hammer out their New Year Resolutions just to carry on this family tradition, specifically the practice that I imposed and insisted since their early years. They have certain built-in psychological resistence to any suggestion of this kind. “You asked us to write this every year. If we don’t pay any attention to it afterward, what’s the use of writing it?” one of them asked.

“Good question,” said I. That’s how I answer a question when I don’t have the answer. Still, I insist on their writing something on computer or on paper because having a resolution. Even if they cannot implement it, it is better than not having one, in case they want to have something to target at. Plus, I still believe it a good habit and like all good things, it is so easy to get rid of it and leave room for its opposite to slip in. Good thing they all work out something to this effect.

A heavy snow greeted us on the Christmas morning, 12/25/2009. I knew we expected a family coming over for dinner and we might have to drive out in the morning, so I started out shoveling the snow on our drive way. Boy, it was a backbreaking and lip-biting task! I felt like going to collaps after this unwilling workout.

Back home I thought it a good opportunity for my daughter to learn a lesson. So I told her, “Get up quickly. You got a good opportunity to earn some spending money. Just go to one of our neighbors and said, “Merry Christmas. Can I shovel snow on your drive way for $10?”

She welcomed the idea and went out cheerfully but she had no idea how hard the job was. I thought she would appreciate this hard-earned money after this exercise. My son went to help her. Actually my son did the large part of shoveling. The neighbor lady was so kind and gave her $40 instead. She gave her brother half of it but her brother did not take it.

I was so proud of my daughter. When she got back home, she was exhausted. “Are you happy you did it?” I asked. “Yea, sure,” said she.

P.S. Back to work and in some way to a break, after a long weekend at home with many people running around and equal number of high-pitched voices yelling in the sky. More on this later.

An acquaintance of mine, having moved out of this area, once said that she would not want her son to go out of the state for college, more for fear of losing him. This reminds me of my aunt who makes sure the both of her sons settle in the same town as she does.

I have seen too many cases where parents try to keep their children close by, shielding them under the wings of a huge hen, mostly out of fear — the fear of children being on their own or of children not coming back any more once letting them fly too far, or of children getting into a wrong group which will lead them to a wrong path.

Here’s another extreme case of dependence from an acquaintance of mine. She is already in her late 50s. Her mother in her 80s still lives with her, serves her, and be her company. So much of lack of independence at this stage of life, she provides a classic example of its kind and the consequence of a failed parenting.

To be sure, these fears are as powerful as they are irrational and detrimental, to the point that they never fear that their children will never grow up and be independent. For some time, I am not sure if these parents start out for their own benefit or for that of their children. I would like to think better of these parents.

Alas, parenting involves so much in terms of love, reason, and honest self-reflection, honest with the children and with themselves.

P.S. A family of four came over last night against the snowy day.

So much has been going on at the same time — my son came back last Friday, my daughter just finished the finals yesterday, and I am in the process of moving into another clinic, a bit further away from home, but a welcome move as people at the new site are much nicer than some that I have been working with.

Yesterday evening the whole family plus the relative went to take a walk at a big mall, which did not end up pleasantly. After that my son and I took a long walk outside, talking and exchanging views on issues that concerned both of us. By the time we got home, it was after 10 PM. He took away a novel that his sister was reading, drove her to a local bookstore, where he wanted to get her a good book. I know he will have some serious talk with his sister.

I am so glad he is home. I know he will be of tremendous help to me. In fact he is the only help that I can count on. I cannot think of anyone beside him who genuinely cares for his sister. With his help, the future should be bright. Let’s hope.

On the evening of 12/20/2009, I talked to my relative in China about the challenge of responsible parenting. It is a difficult topic because people invariably have very different standards on what constitutes a good parenting. I know some people believe the best parenting is the least parenting, so much like some politicians who uphold the best government is the least governing.

Very often parents act upon the assumption that whatever they do, they do it for the benefit of the children and always with good intentions. Unbeknown to most parents, whatever the parents do, they inevitably leave permanent imprints on their children. When we talked about our parents, we realized that they had definitely shaped our view of life and the world and dictated the way we deal with people. Whatever we do, there is the shadow of early parenting at work.

Indeed, by now I have realized parenting, at least responsible parenting, is one of the toughest tasks that an adult can possibly face. On the one hand, you want to implement proper discipline on the child, to rid the little one of any undesirable habits or make the little one do what he should do; on the other hand, you don’t want the discipline too harsh that you ruin an otherwise perfect childhood.

On the one hand, you want them to be happy and carefree; on the other hand, you know they cannot have their way all the time because their way may not be the best way for them in the long run. Take for example the simple food issue.

A child like to eat hamburgers plus french fries and absolute no vegetable, the most unhealthy lifestyle being the key ingredient to his being happy. I see not a few parents will feed their children the way they want. They might have a happy childhood but will have to pay the price later in their lives in the form of heart attack and high cholesterol and even early grave

You think love is the best nutrient for the children, but you don’t want to unwisely smother them with too much of it.

The trickest part of parenting is to make children willingly do the right thing without the uncomfortable discipline and supervision. So far, I have not been so lucky to crack this trick. I always want to do what I believe is the right thing but I am always afraid that I might make everybody unhappy because of this.

Last Friday, 12/18/2009, two elderly colleagues of mine bought a winter jacket for another young colleague as a Christmas gift. This young colleague of mine referred to the two senior colleagues as her moms, that is, they take care of her like her mom. So heart-warming in this cold December day. This reminds me of my aunt who acts in the similar manner toward her sons.

My aunt has some treasures like antiques and a handsome of wealth, best fit for her children who are not as well equipped socially and economically as she is. Both she and her husband are college graduates and become highly-paid engineers. Yet neither of her sons went to college. She raised her children like a hen trying to protect her chicks under her huge wings. So safe and caring.

Instead of buying this or that for my children or leaving them a huge chunk of wealth, I would rather inspire them, motivate them, fire their dreams and vision and the desire to learn and to grow their own wings. With their own skills and ability, they will be in the position to buy not only their own jackets but also the jackets for all in need.

Now people may say I find excuses for not buying stuffs for others. Well, in the long run, I want my children to be proud donors instead of charity recipients. I am sure that is what they want for their future.

By the way, I don’t have any objection to charity recipients. I just want my children to be the other end of it.

Toward the evening of 12/17/2009, I talked to one of my high school classmates over the phone about the education of our youngsters, her child being the same grade as mine. She told me something rather amusing on the surface but equally disturbing when I dwell more upon it.

Her child loves watching TV and spends large chunks of time in front of it. Knowing her parents’ position on her TV passion, she would turn it off right before her parents return home. This reminds me of my children who minimize the Internet page when I approach them, knowing too well that they are doing something they are not supposed to. Children are so good at this hiding game.

I often tell my children that the worst part of this game is they are cheating themselves. What really happens is they cheat away their time and their lives. They victimize themselves while trying to outsmart their parents. What a huge loss! I wish my children are smarter than this.

By the way, we went to the airport tonight to meet my son. So glad to have him back.

Now that we have heard so much about the disappointed goings-on about the world-famous supposedly morally spotless Tiger Woods. Admittedly, I couldn’t help feeling disgusted, just as when I witnessed Clinton’s stupidity with that lewinsky girl. Then again, as Tiger himself claims that he is human and thus is not perfect. Don’t we already know this? What’s the big deal about it?

Is it his fault that we are disappointed? Not really. Maybe we would not feel this way if we had not held such an unreasonably high moral standard of him. Why should we expect so highly of him since he is like the rest of humanity and is not infallible and stupidity-proofed? We are doomed to fail when we expect perfection because there is no perfection.

Isn’t it true that we actually punish ourselves by raising our expectation to an unreasonably high level. Yes, true is this with celebrities, true is this with parental expectations.

One week has passed since my son left for college last Monday, 11/30/2009. Each time he comes back, I can see the change in him and he is getting more mature than before.

“Study is a privilege,” he told his sister. Not many young people at his age have come to this realization. One acquaintance of mine talked about going back to school this way, “It’s fun to go back to school.” I find it difficult to see fun in such a privilege as they are not even remotely related. Indeed, we often come to value this privilege after we left school.

He is getting better with time management. In fact, he talked to his sister on her time management problem. “When you come back home, go straight to your homework. Don’t say, ‘Oh, I work the whole day at school. I need to take a break before I hit books again.’ Because very often, before you realize it, many hours have gone and you have not started on your homework.” Indeed, this is exactly what happen right now. One of his friends often surfed around on the Internet until it is around midnight, “OMG, I have homework due tomorrow.” Then down into the night the student goes.

Another good advice to his sister — “Don’t turn on the computer as long as you can. Work on your book as much as possible. Because time runs very fast once you are on the computer.” Oh boy, don’t we know all this! I wish she could take this advice seriously.

Right now, a lot of their high school homeworks are posted on the internet. It seems you can hardly get anything done without the Internet. My son advised his sister, “When you take a 5-minute break from computer homework, stand up and do something else instead of staying on the internet. Chances are you will spend a lot longer on the computer if you use the break to surf the net.” Indeed, once you are online, there seems millions of icons screaming for your attention. With one click after another, pretty soon your time and life are sadly consumed, of no avail.

Knowing his sister was going to take SAT the next Saturday, he spent a large chunk of time working with her, explaining to her difficult concepts, much more clear and effective than anyone else. She rates him as the best tutor of all. I can’t believe he is getting so much better as a tutor.

We walked around the Plaza and Town Center. Such a blessing to have him back.

On 11/21/2009, my daughter was going to do homework and prepare for SAT that Saturday afternoon. Certain conflict occurred between she and another adult in the family. When she was extremely upset over what she perceived as unreasonableness, she said “If you are unreasonable, I am going to be unseasonable, too.” Next, she declared loudly that she was not going to take SAT, that she did not care going to college any more. Whatever she said, the other adult was non-stop playing on the computer as if the words fell on deaf ears.

That reminded me of an incident when my son was around her age. The other adult threatened to disconnect the internet service, my son was so agitated that he said he would not go to school if the internet was disconnected. “Whom do you threaten? I am not afraid of your not going to school at all. Go ahead” was the answer. Same thing happened to my daughter again.

Overly concerned was I at that moment, watching my daughter wasting the afternoon on the internet, doing something that she knew she should not do, just to express her anger. She had exactly two weeks before SAT and an exam early next week. I knew I had to do something to bring sense to her. So I took her out and we talked and talked, then finally she decided to go back to her study, saying “I have been acting like a simpleton.” Indeed, she later had to make up for the lost hours by working till two hours after midnight while the other adult was still on the computer, oblivious of anything outside the gaming world.

While giving my hearty applaud to my children’s quick return to sense, I am looking ahead not without concerns. I have these words for my children–

Losing a few hours of sleep is but a small price that you have to pay now. It could cost you a lot more in the future if you don’t grow out of this immature, irresponsible and totally senseless behavior. Things often happen even if we cannot make sense of them. No matter what happens and how upset you are with whatever unreasonableness, never express anger or any hard feelings by punishing yourself. Never lose sight of your big goal and your ideal self. Indeed, when you quit school or give up SAT, you are ruining your own future and your own life. Nothing can be as stupid as spitting out your anger by inflicting self-injury. I hope they can learn to bypass any negativity on their way to success.

A few days ago, a high school friend of mine exchanged notes with me on high school children, each of us having one with the same grade. Both of us feel exhausted over these children. Before my son left for college, he was the most busy person in the family. Now is my daughter’s turn or should be hers. But as it is, I seem to be that busy person. Up at 6 and off for work at 6:15, this way I can be home around 3 PM and be with my daughter. Each day ends with me feeling on the brink of breakdown. Good thing she appreciates it greatly now.

I told my daughter, “In a sense, getting ready for college is more crucial than getting a job.” If you fail to get one job or even a hundred offers, you forever have the second chance, as long as you don’t give up. College application is an once-in-life chance. If you fail to be admitted into your dream place for your bachelor, too bad, no more second time for the majority of people. You can only try getting there for your master or Ph.D. later in your life, as my son will do.

This is also the most busy years for parents. As the children approach graduation, parents realize time’s running out and feel the urgency of getting them ready for the big leap out of their first nest. Once they leave their first home, you can see they become more and more independent and moving faster and farther away from home. And as their world, full of new friends and all kinds of ventures, is moving farther away from yours, those precious moments prior to their high school graduation are also becoming distant memory.

With this thought, I appreciate driving her to art class, piano lesson, her friend’s home, library, bookstore, community service center, and even clothes shopping.

On Saturday morning, I took my daughter to Union Station for a high school science seminar. This time the topic was on global warming. It was exciting seeing so many high schoolers gathering here. Every time I talk to my son over the phone, I always have this overwhelming sense of campus life, imagining his college life full of young blood, activities, competitions, fun and friends. By contrast, it must be super boring to return to his Kansas home, without anything to brighten his day or lift up his spirit. Our worlds are not just far apart, but also vastly different. Not much we can do to narrow the gap. Still, we will have him coming back for a brief Thanksgiving break, a nice little break before he will hurl full speed toward the big finals.

One of our relatives is coming to visit us. Her son plans to meet his mother at Chicago airport by driving there with his friend. But the young man’s uncle is displeased, because he wants to go with his nephew. The young man must believe it is so much fun being with his friend instead of having his uncle around, truly reminding me of my son. My only concern is I don’t trust the young man’s driving and it would save us lots of trouble if she could get off the plane in Kansas. Otherwise, it is better to let young people have their fun in their own world. Of course, it takes some maturity and a lot of common sense to understand, accept and appreciate the young people’s world.

On 11/16, this Monday evening, I talked to a relative of mine over the Skype, whose son is currently in the US. To be sure, she is greatly concerned over her adult child. “I am determined not to support him any more after his graduation,” said she. She further asked me what I thought of it. I told her, “Well, it is not proper for me to say anything to him since he is a 26-year-old adult.”

“Say it to him. Say whatever you want to say to him. Don’t be afraid. You should give him a lesson. He doesn’t listen to me, but he will listen to you.” Quickly came her encouragement. She thought I would not say anything because he was not my child. She missed my point by a wide margin. Even if I am his senior, he is not a child and we are equal in this sense. To be sure, he is not far from being 30, I need to respect him and should not volunteer my advice as if he were a little kid willingly accepting lectures from adults. We parents should have left him alone even after his college graduation.

My relative’s attitude reminds me of my experience with my parents after I reached adulthood. I don’t want to play that role myself. I remember clearly how resentful I was when my parents lectured me and still treated me as less-than-adult even in my early 20s. Not until I left for America did I finally enjoy freedom from parental lectures and supervision, though most of them were given out of their loving hearts. Out of respect for them, I often just listened and made no comments. Outside home, I enjoyed conversations with other adults who treated me as equal. A friend of mine here told me how unpleasant she felt when her parents continued talking down to her like she were a child each time she went back to China. For this reason, she doesn’t want to go back to her parents.

From my own experience, I believe strongly in treating adult children as equal, with due respect and trust them, letting them make their own decisions and go on their own life’s journey. Trust me they will respect you more because of this.

On 8/20/09, I walked to SMS high school for the Back-to-School Night, hoping to meet and get to know all her new teachers at high school, as part of my preparation for her upcoming school. Some of my colleagues asked me if I had taken my daughter to back-to-school shopping. I thought it strange as I have always related school to study not to shopping. Beside, what is it to buy when the school provides all the books?

Being in the states for a quarter of a century, I am still an old-fashioned parent, believing nothing is as important as study, without being unable to comprehend the meaning of back-to-school, that is, until my daughter repeatedly asked me to take her out for clothes shopping. I hear some girls spend nearly two hours in the morning to get themselves ready, make-up and dress-up, for showing up in school. Some go clothe-shopping every week. Many of them feel they must dress up to the latest fashion. Otherwise, they will lose face or don’t look decent enough to be seen. They are forever a puzzle to me.

Realistically, I don’t expect my children to accept my value. Still, while they still listen to me, I will make my view known to both of them and hope they will come to accept it some day. Even if you don’t spend as much as others in clothes and don’t look up-to-the-minute, you won’t compromise your dignity and value as long as you take good care of your mind and body. I understand it takes some courage and maturity to be able to throw out of windows those transient fads and fancies and rise above them all. No criticism of whatsoever.

I was so glad to hear my son calling from Detroit yesterday. He came back from China on Wednesday, 8/26/09. We talked a lot as he seemed to be impressed by many things that he saw on his trip to China.

One of the things that we talked was on the role that parents played in shaping their children’s perception of their future. When a parent fails to provide a positive role model, I believe most children would not say ill of their parents, even if they can be objective and truthful on other matters. I think it takes certain degree of maturity to be able to appreciate their parents objectively. Same is true with my children. I don’t expect them to say what they truly think of their parents as they do not want to see their parents getting hurt.

To be sure, our reflections and memories of the past are always emotionally charged, going to two extremes — either positive or negative. An acquaintance of mine has an unpleasant past experience with her mother, so much so that she cannot conceal her anger and rather intolerable negative comments on her mother now, as if her mother had absolutely no redeeming quality at all.

No matter what they may say now, I believe my children will choose their path based on their own judgment and the role model they decide to follow, just as their cousins choose their path. Whatever they choose will reveal, without words, the role model they have in mind. If they choose to game away their hours off work, that clearly shows they have chosen to follow the path different from mine. Whatever they choose, it is their decision and they will receive nothing but respect for their own decision.

At the point when my daughter is entering high school, I feel it time to do some cleaning, that is, removing from the house things that might never be touched at any point by anybody in near future.

Children outgrow not only clothes but also and mostly toys and books. I did a cleaning of toys when my daughter entered middle school, leaving only clothes and books in her room. Now another one is due.

I bought from China boxes of Chinese books, both pictures, easy-reading ones, hoping someday they would read them. By now, I have been very disappointed.

Lately, I have been debating in my mind whether to donate them to the high school where Chinese is taught or keep them, hoping and waiting for them to wake up someday, wishing to learn Chinese, for whatever reason.

Maybe I should long ago get rid of these books so that I do not harbor any illusion of their ever desiring to learn Chinese. Maybe I would not have felt disappointed if I had not hoped for them to learn.

Last Monday, 8/17, after the first day of school, on the way home, I talked to my daughter about picking up her Chinese. She finally agreed to invest 15 minutes per day on Chinese. I promised her she would be surprised by the progress she would made just by 15-minute a day on Chinese.

I realize at some point, parenting means accepting and reconciling your hopes and expectations with the reality. This way everybody can live happily ever after.

I know of a parent who has tried to keep her child in the dark about any fights or disagreement among the two adults in the household for fear of alienating the child from the faulty parent or exposing negative side of another adult.

I think as soon as the child is mature enough to understand, we parents should not hide anything from the child. As I once told my children, “You hear nothing but truth from me.” Otherwise, the child will feel hurt for not being trusted to be informed or feel cheated.

Understandably, we parents all wish to shield our children from any negative or unpleasant side of life. Too bad we do not live in a perfect world. It is our responsibility to prepare our children for the not-so-perfect reality of the world, so that they will be better equipped mentally, emotionally and psychologically when they are on their own. Or they will know how to avoid or how to handle a fight or a similar situation. Otherwise, how can they learn to be wise?

For example, sometimes when I feel hurt over a disrespectful remark, I make sure both of my children are aware of it. I don’t really care what they think but I do want them to understand that disrespectful remarks do hurt people. Of course, they do care when I feel hurt. I feel so blessed afterwards.

Another parenting tip from me.

An adult relative of ours always leaves a big mess wherever he goes. He surely does it with a vengeance. I came to understand him after his own explanation. He often talked about his mother’s obsession over order and cleanness, “Our house is not a resident place. It is like a hotel.” Commenting on his own messy habit, he said, “I deliberately do no cleaning at all simply because my mother has been over-concerned about being clean.”

He certainly demonstrates a rebellious mentality — the more you nag about cleanness, the more I will go the other direction, just to upset you. Sometimes I cannot help thinking about it, perhaps because I see something similar in our household or because it makes me think about parenting in general. To be sure, cleanness is a good habit, but what makes someone growing up in a spotless house so much hate this good habit? Aren’t we parent responsible for this negative attitude?

Dear me, it takes so much wisdom to be a good parent and good parents are so much in short supply!

My son seemed to have a good time there, relaxing, eating profusely and going out nearly everyday with one of his relatives in south, spending time with the grandparent, being able to remain in contact with his friends here.

Expectedly, the grandparent was full of nice words for her grandson and only wished he could stay there longer.

I am glad that he has no problem communicating with people and has been safe and sound so far. He was on the train to Beijing Monday evening and arrived there this morning.

So far I don’t have any detail of his stay in south as it is not convenient for us to talk over the internet. I wish he could keep a journal of his trip, at least keep track of his weight and waistline.

The total cost of her hospitalization and surgeries exceeded $40,000. As a graduate student existing on scholarship, this seemed an insurmountable amount. We were told there was a federal aid that we could apply. It is called alien emergency medical aid. So we applied and had Uncle Sam covered everything.

The grandmother spent the rest of her visit trying to recover from the illness. By May 1990, after she was fully recovered, they went back to China.

During the fall of 1990, I was teaching at our sociology department, taking care of my son, working on my dissertation, with another adult suffering from frequent gallstone attacks ever since. I tried to get my mother over and help me shouldering some of the burden.

My mother was in her late 50s and still in good health. But she was rejected many times, with this or that excuse. Finally she was told frankly by the embassy not to come again because, “Your daughter, with her son, does not have the ability to sponsor you or anyone.” My mother was hugely puzzled because she had not even told the embassy that I was married, “How did they know you are married and even have a son?”

The puzzle was explained later when a friend revealed to me what an immigration lawyer told her, it was the $40k government money that disqualified me as a sponsor. “Don’t think it easy to get money from government. It will come back to you in some form, unfortunately.” That’s why she paid for her mother’s medical cost when her mother broke her hip bone.

It was nearly 20 years since their visit. It was one of those hard times for me until my son was big enough to go to a babysitter in July 1991. When looking back, I don’t know what to say. If I feel anything, I only feel amazed over myself. I can’t believe I was so tough and so great, being able to pull through this ordeal. I am going to tell my children this is a must-read chapter in my life.

The end. Yes, everything must end, finally.

Thirdly, I was consumed with flu, probably from sleep-deprivation, cold and overly exhaustion with taking care of the sick baby and hospital visits. You cannot imagine how chaotic it was and how exhausted I was during those days.

Lastly, the grandmother ended up in hospital within one month of her arrival in US — the rupture of her gallbladder and was in hospital for nearly two months.

Why was it so long? When the grandmother was in hospital and receiving infusion for her daily nutrients after operation, the hospital sent her easy-to-digest food, hoping she could gradually start using her own digestive system and wean off the IV bag.

After a few days, the nurse saw the meals were all eaten, assuming the grandmother could intake food by herself. So they took away IV bag from her. It turned out the grandfather was the one who finished all the meals on her behalf. The nurse had to re-port the nutrient infusion and more trouble followed.

An accident occurred during the second IV infusion, causing air to enter into her thorax cavity. Another operation had to be carried out to extract the air out of her thorax.

To be continued tomorrow…

P.S. Today is Saturday. We went to a friend’s house in the evening. They have three children, only the youngest one was home with her friend. My daughter did not go with us as she was at her friend’s house.

Here’s a bit of historical fact for my children, my version and explanation of what actually happened.

This happened in December 1989 when my son was nine months old. His paternal grandparents missed both their only son and only grandson very much, so I sponsored them to visit us in US. Within one month of their arrival, everybody was sick except the grandfather.

First, the other adult suffered for the first time in many years gallstone attack, probably from the combination of cold weather, food, and exhaustion from long-distance driving (from New York back to Ohio). To appease the pain, the grandma gave him the maximum dosage of a Chinese pain killer, resulting in his inability to urinate. Hence I drove him to ER (emergency room) twice for gallstone and urinary retention and one urologist office visit, all in one day.

Second, the grandparents threw upon the nine-month-baby with many thick wool-sweaters with room temperature over 80 degrees Fahrenheit, as the result of the vast difference in temperature indoor and outdoor, the baby, not used to so many layers of clothes, was stricken down with high fever, pneumonia plus bronchitis, and asthma as the sequela, which lasted for six years.

The grandmother gave the baby adult dosage for his bronchitis, causing him hard-to-breathe and super-hyper in the middle of the night. He was crying out of exhaustion but could not calm down and sleep. I was carrying him, rocking him and walking around the room. For he would cry if I stopped walking around, so I dragged my tired and heavy feet, walking till he was quiet and asleep, so that everybody could sleep, except me. That was a very long night.

To be continued tomorrow…

See my first one on the topic in June this year,

http://momwrite.com/2009/06/off-the-line-get-a-life-and-be-an-active-player/

I heard more than one parents complaining of their children — get on the computer right out of the bed and off it right before they go to bed, even with a strong addiction and the violent resistance to any attempt of disciplining their computer time. More computer time means less time for book-reading, doing things other than computer-related, and less family interaction, etc. My children are no exception.

Good thing about my children is they are not reason-proof. I talked and talked about restricting computer time with one of my children and have finally hammer out an agreement — no computer while we are not home with all PC password-locked. I will unlock it after I get home. Even with that, the child needs to take a 10-minute break after 30-minute computer time.

Indeed, as we are just told of Google Books Library Project, Facebook Lite, and the promise of new technologies churned out everyday, it is absolutely impossible to totally cut off the line when we live through the era of boundless internet possibilities. Before the children know how to make good use of their time and tap into this technology, we parents have to be firm in setting the rules and regulations regarding computer usage, just as the traffic police are out there watching us drunk and driving adults. We all have to live with some kind of rules.