Some children of minority families growing up and having socialized in white-dominant American culture might invariably experience certain degree of identity issue or that of belonging or cultural rootlessness.

I have observed this from the time when my son was at daycare to now as he is going to stand on his own. He expressed the wish that he wanted to be a white when he was 3 years old, playing with white kids of his age. By the time he was in high school, he was able to basically accept himself. Well, what can you do if not?

When he first left for college, he told me he would have one house in China and one in US. I realize he thought he was culturally rooted in both lands. I did not say much as I had doubt if he would fit in China.

From what I have seen there has been a severe lack of interactions and communications between my children and the two relatives from China coming to our house, one being 23-year-old at the time of his arrival, the other being 10-year-old. At first, I thought it a good opportunity for them to learn from each other, Chinese language for my kids and English for them. Can’t believe I am so simple-minded!

They grew up in two different culture environments and have next-to-nothing in common. My son kept chatting with his friends while his big cousin kept the chat via Internet with his. Right now, my daughter and the 10-year-old simply don’t talk to each other at all. “I have nothing to say to him,” as I was told. Living under the same roof like two strangers reminds me of John Higham’s book Strangers in the Land: Patterns of American Nativism, 1860-1925. Now I witness the book comes to life.

From this observation, I would think my American-born Chinese children would feel more alienated than a sense of belonging if they decide to live in China. The same can be said of us — we moved to America after we became adult and forever have this feeling of alienation from mainstream culture. Well, some did become Americanized when they go shopping like mad hares.

After more contacts with children from China at MIT, my son realized the difference between him and these Chinese children. Yes, you are a Chinese only in appearance and that can be deceiving. He told me during his last home visit that he gave up the idea of living in China.

How I love those serious-sounding topics of identity, belonging, and even to the point of crisis if not handled wisely! This may be part of growing pains, which might be outgrown like old shoes or the pains might be cured or dulled with the passing of time and gaining of experience and wisdom, if they ever gain.

There are more serious topics than this — how you are perceiced by others, how this perception influences you and the marginalization of living in America. This is too gloomy to talk about in this sunny day. Enjoy while the sun is not out-of-office. Well, actually it is sunny but very cold today, beautiful to look at from inside but not funny to go outside.

I am fully aware of the therapeutic function of prayer of any kind. Nothing would last for long if it is totally useless. The fact religion has persisted for so many centuries proves the power and function and even legitimacy of its existence.

Yet, if it is so useful to human existence, why do we have so many disbelievers? From my own experience with religion, I have found the biggest obstable to be a true believer is my thinking and reasoning power. To truly accept God, you must suspend your reason. Suspension of reasoning and thinking ability is the prerequisite to accepting God.

Yes, you must feel the existence of God without thinking. Too much challlenging to too many people with thinking heads.

I once told my children and I hope they still remember this, “The key is to be able to open yourself, listen to your deep-seated needs, follow it naturally.” I do not want them to be fixed in any one mode of thinking or living. So easy to say, right? I have no answer yet.

This is a very big and heavy topic. I have been thinking of this for a long time and never found enough time for it. I have been asked by many people about religion. I don’t want to give out a simple answer to a complicated question.

The simple fact is I have told my children again and again, “When you are in a dire need for help, emotionally, spiritually or psychologically, if you believe God can help, go for it.” You can say my approach to religion is very practical. Right you are. This is how I perceive church — a refuge where human seeks companionship with one another. It fulfills our deep-seated spiritual and psychological need, deeper than our reason can reach.

For me, I find it extremely difficult to cognitively justify a belief in the existence of a super being. Nothing gives me more goose bumps than inconsistency — outwardly praying with a gathering of believers while inwardly thinking of something different from the utterance.

Tomorrow I will post part two on this topic.

Yesterday evening someone came home with an English homework, of which they were asked to write about the meaning of a wise saying and how it relates to the writer. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” She wrote the following,

“Even if you help somebody get out of a fix for right now, the problem is still going to be there, it is just been pushed back a bit. That is the fish-giving part of the proverb. And to really make a difference in that person’s life, you have to get to the root of the problem and actually solve it. … So the moral of the quote is that taking the long way and teaching a person a skill is a more permanent solution than simply giving.”

Children can prove more mature than we thought. I hope she now understands why I am willing to invest tons of money in her education but not that zealous on her other expenses.

To my son. There is a doctor at our clinic who went to Beijing for the 2008 Olympics. He came back from Beijing, excited and eager to share his excitement with his colleagues. He said Beijing was a fascinating place, so fascinating that he wondered why I chose to work here in Kansas. Indeed, not many places in the world can match Beijing in her richness in culture, history and life.

Good question. I have thought of this. For now, the main reason I stayed here is for my children to get a decent education. Once they have gone for college, so shall I. Currently my son is in Boston. My daughter is determined to follow her brother’s footstep to east coast. By then I will either follow her or go back home in Beijing, where I can either engage in coordinating clinical trials in oncology or teach English or something else that might fit my fancy.

At some point during their primary school years, both of my children asked for allowance. “All my classmates have weekly allowance. No fair I don’t have,” my son said with the whining tone when he was around 9 years old. Yes, I never gave allowance, even though I was aware of this practice in America.  This I had told him and also had explained to him. “The real No-fair is when you get something for nothing. Remember there is no free lunch. For anything you get, you have to earn it. If you have been a good student, I will reward you something when I am happy.”

By his six-grade he pretty much figured out it was hopeless to get easy money like his classmates. So he started making money himself. He learned from some class how to program in Basic language. He programmed some small games, saved it in a floppy disk, and then sold them to his “allowance-rich” classmates.

My daughter made much quicker money than her brother. She took to school two individually wrapped cakes and sold each of them for $5. The whole box containing 10 cakes only cost $1.

My son told me I should do some research to find my own niche. I am not a good student and have been lazy doing any research.  My niche? I think I should be comfortable finding a community of parents who have experienced some forms of cultural conflicts with their American born children, like me growing up in China and raising children in America. Conflicts inevitably erupt when my Chinese culture-based upbringing meet their American cultural resistance. Being a mom caught in between two cultures, I have learned, among others, conflict-management skill is an absolute life-saver in keeping a fire under control.

By the way, if there is a competition for the best-behaved mom, I would certainly be rewarded the first prize. Because I have kept my mouth shut as much as I am aware of in front of my children’s friends, for I know how much this foreign accent mom could embarrass her children. My son once told me in his primary school years, “Mom, let me do the talking.”  I don’t need to be told twice on this.  I would save my children’s face by not working in a Chinese restaurant.  I would put on some decent clothes when I showed up in my children’s schools.  Of course, the best performance is to pretend that I did not know them in public.  To be fair, they are good children, but I have learned how to behave to save their dear faces.

Yes, this is my niche — the experience of a Chinese mom with her American born children.

I told him this, “Son, I am not bragging about you.  I am just proud of you.”  To be honest, he is not perfect –he almost never cooks, nor does laundry, nor cleans up his room.  Still, I miss him greatly when he is in Boston, so far away from his Kansas home, leaving me an abundance of memories to cherish and to reflect on. I think he has done me a great favor by staying home for three weeks this summer instead of two as he originally planned.  As I often tell my children, now I should tell myself — count your blessings and be happy with what you have.

Many people give expensive gifts to their children upon their high school graduation. As a frugal mom, my gift to my dear son is the following letter, http://www.geocities.com/diemerpta/to_my_son.html

P.S. in case the link is not active any more, the owner can be reached via momwrite@yahoo.com

Here’s a little background as justification for and explanation of the creation of this weblog.
First of all, the idea first surfaced in my mind during one of the conversations that I had with my college age son, during his summer break of 2008.  “Mom, since you like writing so much, why don’t you set up a blog?” I know he also means since you talk so much, have your own blog and talk there.  This I whole-heartedly accept.  My son says I like to repeat myself and say the same thing again and again and again.  So much like a nagging mom!  So annoying! I wish he could keep these words to himself.

For sometimes, my emails to him went unopened because, according to my son, they are too long-winded. This is rather discouraging and I was smart enough to have learned not to write to him any more. Who would otherwise?  Now I have my own blog! 

My daughter outdoes her brother on this. Each time I started talking, she said, “Oh-Oh, where’s my MP3 player?” Why doesn’t she call that “Block Mom’s Voice Player?” That’s what it actually is when she does not want my words to enter her ears. The youngsters either don’t have the time to hear me out or find my self-invited voice extremely unwelcome. Again, here’s my blog, serving as an outlet when my daughter puts on her “Block Mom’s Voice Player.” By the way, she is a nice girl most of the time. Most likely I have advanced into my dotage years way earlier than the rest of the humanities — the only time I have not lagged behind.

Secondly, this blog ties back to my education in humanities and social science and to so many years of my life as a parents of two.  Since the birth of my first child, I have volunteered to devote, with an overdose of maternal instinct, a large part of hours and days, unpaid of course, months and years, my time and life, to the care and education of my youngsters — watching them, talking to them, reading to them, working with them, writing to and about them, reading books about education, psychology, personal development, etc. My life and major decisions regarding job and location of my residence have been centered around their needs and their lives.  Thus, for better for worse, being a mom has literally shaped my life and defined me. To be sure, other than English, sociology, computer programming, clinic trials and other profitably engagements, this is something I have come to know best and can write about.  I am sure, all moms share similar experience.  For this, the blog also serves as a celebration of a mom’s life or those of any moms that come to visit.

Thirdly, part of my strength and energy have been nourished and furnished by encouragements that my dear friends have been so generously shone on me over the long passing years. Honest, my unreserved communications with my friends on education of my youngsters has been beneficial to both sides. They have been so kind and spoiled me with more credits than I deserved. Now it is time to credit back in the form of this blog.

Fourthly, I have been too serious with too many things in my life. By the way, I see my son carrying the same genetic trait, according to my observation,  unverified by professional. I wish we all could relax once in a while, do something we truely enjoy. Here comes the unique blog of my own, where I can laugh at myself, the fathomless well of laughter and the safest object of ridicule and sarcasm that I have discovered.

Finally, I got to have some purpose more lofty than the above ones. Here’s the ultimate driving force: a space for parents to share their experiences with their youngsters.

Oh my God, so much for a little background!  Again,  I am too long-winded.  Other people might have an  abundance of money, but I have an equally abundant amount of, not money but words.  How wise is my son!