What do we need least? — Blame. Yes, I cannot keep my rage when someone blame me for having failed in parenting. I have been a parent of two for the past 19 years and have undergone untold hardships. I admit that I am not a perfect parent. Still, I do not need blame. I remember when some people criticized my parenting and I rose up defending myself, I was accused of “never accepting criticism.” That person has never been any help in parenting at all.

To be honest, many parents are already tired, exhausted, frustrated, even depressed in dealing with headstrong children. If, instead of offering constructive advise and help, others keep on piling blames on the failure of her parenting, which only helps to crush her will to do a good job of parenting.

I have committed many mistakes in parenting, regardless of my good intentions and constant efforts. I wish my children are resilient, always bounce back, remain a child in their hearts. Independent, responsible adult, yet keep the innocent child inside, after going through the vicissitues of life. not to be diminished by setbacks, obstocles, frustrations, betrayal, prejudices and discriminations, keep the curiosity of the child even when they grow up.

I just realize I have so much to say to my childen and they never have time for my long-windedness.

I am fully aware of the therapeutic function of prayer of any kind. Nothing would last for long if it is totally useless. The fact religion has persisted for so many centuries proves the power and function and even legitimacy of its existence.

Yet, if it is so useful to human existence, why do we have so many disbelievers? From my own experience with religion, I have found the biggest obstable to be a true believer is my thinking and reasoning power. To truly accept God, you must suspend your reason. Suspension of reasoning and thinking ability is the prerequisite to accepting God.

Yes, you must feel the existence of God without thinking. Too much challlenging to too many people with thinking heads.

I once told my children and I hope they still remember this, “The key is to be able to open yourself, listen to your deep-seated needs, follow it naturally.” I do not want them to be fixed in any one mode of thinking or living. So easy to say, right? I have no answer yet.

This is a very big and heavy topic. I have been thinking of this for a long time and never found enough time for it. I have been asked by many people about religion. I don’t want to give out a simple answer to a complicated question.

The simple fact is I have told my children again and again, “When you are in a dire need for help, emotionally, spiritually or psychologically, if you believe God can help, go for it.” You can say my approach to religion is very practical. Right you are. This is how I perceive church — a refuge where human seeks companionship with one another. It fulfills our deep-seated spiritual and psychological need, deeper than our reason can reach.

For me, I find it extremely difficult to cognitively justify a belief in the existence of a super being. Nothing gives me more goose bumps than inconsistency — outwardly praying with a gathering of believers while inwardly thinking of something different from the utterance.

I planned to send this to my son when he told me with excitement of his dinner with an old acquaintance of mine. The following was notes from reading a book on conversation.

Too bad I forget the author of the book, but I remember the book quoted extensively Montaigne’s writing. Montaigne invited people to attack his ideas as “agreement is boring and intellectually deadening.” Montaigne would be a total alien at my workplace.

Then, again, Montaigne found few people worthy of being his opponents, because most people were not up to his intellectual level. I laugh out loud. Yes, try working here in Kansas and you would be completed isolated.

He disliked “pretentious conversationalists who parade their learning” or those people “awaiting their own turn to hold forth.” So terribly and pitifully shallow.

Here’s an interesting observation made by Montaigne. “Just as our mind is strengthen with vigorous and well-ordered minds, so it is impossible to over state how much it loses and deteriorates by the continuous commerce and contact we have with mean or ailing ones.”

According to him, the main reason conversations were unsatisfying is that people “get defensive when their views are questioned.” This is so fun. “Most people, when their arguments fail, change voice and expression, and instead of retrieving themselves betray their weaknesses and susceptibilities by an unmannerly anger.” I am not aware of any mannerly anger.

Montaigne was so interesting that I was very much eager to get hold of Michel de Montaigne’s original writings, in French. Wish me good luck!

On 9/19/2008, I went to see my dentist during lunch break. We have known each other for many years. He is such a cheerful and agreeable person that I cannot imagine he is anything other than a loving father to his children. While keeping my mouth wide open and trying to amuse me with his story, he told me about his 3-year-old. “She would not listen to me if I say nicely. I had to make a loud noise with a wood stick to get her attention.”

I would like to tell him that loud noise might work at that age. I did not say a word. Remember he still kept my mouth wide open? I never forget this incident because I sincerely wish parenting could remain that easy when the children grow big.

I have been reading a book on US presidents in 20th century. There are tons of interesting and thought-provoking facts. I read an adjective describing Lyndon B. Johnson — grandiose, a rather derogatory term for a president.

Comparing to Jimmy Carter, LBJ was rather grandiose. He wanted to achieve an unprecedentedly large-scaled achievement — Great Society. To be fair, he did achieve tremendously and had done unprecedented good deeds domestically, such as, civil right laws, Medicaid, War on Poverty, etc.

Yet, he was more remembered for his expansion of Vietnam War to 550k strong and was forever haunted by the chanting — “Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?” Readers will be able to appreciate the fact that this man was truely grandiose, having the capacity to generate monumental results — large-scaled victory domestically and even larger than his victory is his defeat and loss in Vietnam War. A strange phenomenon. A paradox. What went wrong in his mind? Beat me.

We are so fond of making judgment as if we were full of wisdom and so in the position to judge. It is so easy to forget that life is a matter of choice and each of us live the life of our choice, that respect others means making no judgment of other people’s choice.

Sometimes, I hear one of my children making comments of other people in a rather disrespectful tone. I realize I must have set an undesirable example in this aspect, if not explicitly. To be sure, we live in the world of unprecedented diversity, which means we must be constantly aware of and respect the diverse forms of existence, passing no judgment on others, that is, if we want to be treated with due respect, too.

I have heard some parents holding rather lavish birthday party for their children, an epoch-making event so that the children will never forget it. To be sure, the child certainly feel special when a big party is thrown on his/her B-day, with all attention on one person, the bigger the party, the more special the child feels.

Well, the question is: do they really need to feel special? If the answer is yes, the questions that follow are: is the party the best way to make them feel special? What are other ways that you can make them feel special?

I think it easier to throw one big party once a year than giving them due attention everyday in their lives. For me, I try to remind my children that everyday is the day that they should feel special, with or without any party, because they are loved and appreciated each and everyday. Plus, they know their mom does not want to spend money on such child-spoiling luxury.

Thus, no birthday party was held for both of them after they reached school age. Many of my friends asked me to hold a grand party for my son upon his high school graduation. Both my son and I had too much more important things to focus on than a party.

It has been nearly three years since I started observing with a high level of amusement of a mom and her son. The mom is past 50 years while the son is half of her age. The mom is a strong woman. She never recoils from hardship and always faces tough work with genuine smile from the bottom of her heart. She is like a huge tree for her son to lean on, which is good when the boy was little. Nice arrangement for both of them!

Yet, after the boys grew up and needed sunshine to grow on his own, the mom still presents herself as the huge tree giving shade and support to her son. Or that is what she thinks she is doing. In reality, she underhandedly deprives her son of the much-needed sunshine to grow on his own and to develop into a responsible and independent social being.

We are too smart to be such a strong mom, aren’t we or should we?

If you believe it is the right thing, do it regardless of whatever.
If you think protecting your child is the right thing to do, do it at any cost.
If you worry what others will say or feel or think, do not allow these irrelevant thought enter your mind in the first place.
If you let this bother you to the extent that you sacrifice your child so that you can silence others, you commit number one crime as a parent. For me, number one responsibility of a parent should be protecting the child from any possible harm.

As a parent, we often face the choice between pleasing the need of some people while neglecting the need of the child. The extreme case of such parent is Susan Smith of South Carolina who murdered her two children so that she could get married to another man. How stupid and how easy some parents can lose their minds.

The child’s need comes before anything else. Let Hades take care of any whining adults who are too selfish to think of anything else but themselves.

While taking a walk with the youngsters in my family, I asked them what they thought of the story of “The Three Little Pigs.” One tried to retell the story, the other told me the strongest house, the house of brick, was built by the youngest pig.

I hope the youngsters will always remember the moral lesson of the story — no pain, no gain; the level of the comfort and security that you will enjoy in your life is in direct proportion to the level of efforts you put into it. It would be too late by the time you need this security but you have not built for yourself.

Of course, the first and the second pigs can run to the brick house of the third pig. But living under other people’s roof? That’s too much compromise of our dignity as an individual human being.

My weekend routine is pretty much fixed — art class in the morning, tennis lesson in the afternoon, then either clothes shopping or bookstore. The least that I can tolerate is clothes shopping.

Below is what I read from the paradox of time.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life… Everything else is secondary,” by Steven Job, p. 27 What does he mean by “living someone else’s life”? Whatever it may mean to you, I feel like making daily efforts so that other people can have a better life. Look at how I spend my weekend. This may be the definition of mom or should it be this way?

“All that really belongs to us is time; even he who has nothing else has that.” by Baltasar Gracian, p. 27 Don’t we know this already? Yes, then do we know how to spend our time wisely?

If you think you can ask your smiling colleagues any work related questions at work, think again. If you assume everybody is willing to help because our ultimate goal is to get the job done, grow up or wake up, my dear friends. If you truly believe in the slogan of “teamwork,” try that in kindergarten.

The downright truth that has been repeatedly revealed itself to me is this — you are asking for trouble way more than for help.

First of all, you give people the opportunity to interpret your question as your being incapable of handling your own job independently,or as being incompetent on the job, or as lacking of the necessary skill to complete your task alone. Such a nightmare! You want to avoid this booby trap as best as you can.

Secondly, not everybody is as helpful as you naively assumed when helping others does not pay. Very often, people try to prove how competent they are on the job. Helping others only takes away their time to prove how good they are. Even worse, helping you accomplish your task might dwarf the accomplishment of the helper. After all, who wants to be the ladder for others to climb?

Thirdly, you expose yourself to all kinds of criticism, innuendos, and unfriendly gossips when your question reveal your weakness to some people with ulterior motives. Don’t be this silly. Don’t throw yourself into the mouth of a lion.

Benefit, you can get answer quickly, not without cost, though.

What is wrong with me? Nothing but the reflection of my two decades of work experience in the States.

Recently I have met more than my share of frustrations lately – teaching a 10-year-old how to play chess when he simply cannot remember the rule of the game, not to speak of the tacts and strategies of this mind game.  At office frustration level went up when I encounter a different level of stupidity.

I often see people reporting adverse event like this — “cold/headache” or “CHF/pulmonary edema” or “CHF/kidney failure”  Are they two separate events or one causing the other?  In either case, we cannot report adverse event like this. Medical records are legal documents which is no place for any ambiguity like this.  Incidents like this often make me wonder what these people were thinking when they did it.  I had to spend a lot of time digging through thick records determining which is which.

Even more stupid than this is — the patient that I have spent so much time on was not my patient.   Frustration goes up to sky high when I think of so much of my precious time being wasted on someone else’s responsibility. 

When reflecting upon this piece of my work experience, what can I say to my children?  Well, avoid getting yourself down to this level in the first place.

I must find some times to read each day before going to bed so that my head is purified and uplifted. At least, that’s how I feel about reading yesterday.

We are facing endless trivials everyday coming from people of all sorts from everywhere, your office, on the street and at home.  We are so easily sidetracked and submerged in the seas of minor annoyance and nuisances.  Happily, reading can play the function of raising us out of this muddy sea to a more purify level.

This is the first time that I work with people of this level in my life. Most of my previous work expereinces have been with more educated population. Yesterday, 11/5/2008, an extremely upset thing happened at my office. I think it too unique to be missed. I need to record it for my children. Because this might start me to another position.

I saw a patient’s follow up was due but her data had not been collected by her CRC. I checked with the person who should get the data ready but had not. “Patient came on 9/11/2008. We can use this as her 5 yrs FU. Please let me know.” I need to update the system after her data ready. She was extremely mad with my email, thinking that I did not know what to do and pouring out many offensive words against me. Her eyes pierced at me in a very inhuman way just to emphasize her madness. I felt like being in a zoo instead of an office. I explained to her in as calm voice as possible that I was waiting for her to get the PSFS done. Since I came into this office July of 2007, 4 people left. I now see one of the reasons for their departure. If you ask me what I was thinking at that moment, “A dog can bite a human, how can a human bite back?” Sorry, this was what immediately came into my mind at that moment.

I am sure we all have unhappy moments meeting extremely unfriendly beings and all feel the need to forget them. Reading helps purge incidents like this out of my mind.

Now here’s another perspective on time.

The Present-hedonistic Time Perspective
(1) I believe that getting together wiht one’s friends to party is one of life’s important pleasures.
(2) I do things impulsively
(3) When listening to my favorite music, I often lose all track of time
(4) I try to live my life as fully as possible, one day at a time.
(5) Ideally, I would live each day as if it were my last day.
(6) I make decisions on the spur of the moment.
(7) It is important to put excitement in my life.
(8) I feel that it is more important to enjoy what you are doing than to get work done on time.
(9) Taking risks keep my life from becoming boring.
(10) It is more important for me to enjoy life’s journey than to focus only on the destination.
(11) I often follow my heart more than my heart.
(12) I find myself getting swept up in the excitement of moment.
(13) I prefer friends who are spontaneous rather than predictable.
(14) I like my close relationship to be passionate.

Check these questions against yourself and see where you stand.  As with yesterday’s posting, I have worked through then and found them very interesting and very much worthy of sharing with the readers here.

Oh yes, today is voting day.  Drawing from past presidential election experiences, I predict it is going to be a landslide victory for Democratic party.  Yes, any time there is a huge dissatisfaction with the incumbent party, you will see a similar huge victory for another party in the election.

Here’s more on Time Paradox book.  I just love this book and read more about it last weekend.  The author composed a list of questions for different perspectives on time. These are questions on the future-time perspective. p. 58

(1) I believe that a person’s day should be planned ahead each morning.
(2) If things don’t get done on time, I don’t worry about it.
(3) When I want to achieve something I set goals and consider specific means for reaching those goals.
(4) Meeting tomorrow’s deadlines and doing other necessary work come before tonight’s play.
(5) It upsets me to be late for appointments.
(6) I meet each day as it is rather than try to plan it out
(7) Before making a decision, I weigh the costs against the benefits.
(8) I complete projects on time by making steady progress.
(9) I make lists of things to do.
(10) I am able to resist temptations when I know that there is work to be done
(11) I keep working at difficult, uninteresting task if they will help me get ahead.
(12)  There will always be time to catch up on my work. 

Obviously, you cannot be future-oriented if you choose YES to all the questions.  I have answered all of the questions and will ask my children to do so.

With another adult in the family being out of town, I was left with three children today.  Cooking and cleaning took a large chunk of time.  No fun in this sunny day when I wanted so much to have some outside activities. The youngest one has proved to be most out of control.

His mother told me not to let him watch Chinese movies at all, as he should watch English movies to improve his English. I thought he did not have any friends around and did not find much joy in reading and any other activities, Chinese movies appear to be the only thing he truely enjoys here at home.  I would not implement his mother’s instruction to the letter and deprive him of this rare entertainment.  I have been kind to him but obviously he has repeatedly abused this chance of entertainment.

Tonight he watched it till after 10 PM, the time he has promised to go to bed. Upon being asked to leave the movie, he refused and would not even let me talk by raising his voice.  I don’t accept any breach of promise or any attempt to overpower me as he thinks he can.  So I told him to leave and I stopped the movie.  He was mad, crying and making a scene, saying he would never watch it any more and never watch anything at all. With that, he gave me the CDs and told me to throw them away.

On the surface I would do what he told me — throwing it away.  After awhile, he came to me, demanding me  repeatedly to tell him how I would dispose the CDs.  I told him, “Leave me alone. I can do whatever I want.  It is not your business.” He would not take this for answer and insisted on being told.  I told him, “You can treat your mother this way when you demand something.  But you cannot treat me as if you can make me do whatever you want.  Please respect my right not to tell you something I do not want to tell. You are an individual and I am an independent individual, too. I treat you with respet, so should you respect me.”  

I have never met anyone who has tried to control me like he does.  Just a few days ago, he told me he outsmarted me because he has read more than I do and thus knows more.  I don’t know what to say to him.  He told me “You are so dumb and I can trick you easily.”

I am sure he does not understand what I said about respect and individual at this point.  I am not upset with him. I just feel there are so many things that he needs to be told and so many places that I feel he needs to improve.  I know it is more than I can handle.

He realized I did not want to talk. So he left me alone but left a note on my bed, saying “I was not right in arguing with you.  Please accept my apology.  Can I have the CDs back?”  I knew he has regret giving me the CDs and telling me to throw them away.  He really needs to learn a lesson this time. Therefore, I will do what his mother told me to and will not return these CDs to him before his mother comes back.

Yesterday, 10/31/2008, was Halloween.  I took the 10-year-old to go trick-or-treating inside our neighborhood. He was overwhelmed by the amount of candies that he thus got.  This is his first Halloween here.  It reminded me of the time when my children were small and how I took them out on Halloween night.

I remember reading with my children about ghost stories around this time of the year. They were all familiar with many famous western ghost stories or scenes of ghost, such as, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, the ghost telling Hamlet the truth about his father’s death. The ghosts, brought to life by authors, always fulfil certain mission that the living cannot do.

To be sure, ghost stories are people’s favorites everywhere around the world. There are many ghost stories in Chinese culture. One coming up to my head is Liao Zhai by Pu Songling. I hope someday my children will be able to read these stories and understand that the ghost stories are not for ghost but for us living. You can also say Halloween is not “All Saints’ Day” as it was originally meant to.

Here’s a question put forward by the author – essentially it asks this — what is wealth?  “How wealthy is someone who spends all of his time making money but does not take the time to enjoy life?”  “How can we measure the measures of billionaire developers who spend all their time building mansions of brick and mortar but never enjoy those rooms?”  p. 10  A challenging question, isn’t it?

Time also matters because it is relative. p. 12  Relative in the sense that “we do have some control over the frame of reference in which we view time.” Recognizing these frames “may allow you to get more out of life.” p. 15 In other word, we do have control over the use of some of our time.  Cheer up!

Regarding people’s attitude towards time, there are present-oriented and future-oriented people. Present-oriented people tend to be willing to help others but appears less willing or able to help themselves.  Future-oriented people tend to be more successful professionally and academically, less willing to devote their time to altruistic pursuits.” They are the most likely to be successful and the least likely to help others in need. p. 19 What an irony!  Why is it so?  Isn’t it nice if we can combine the strenght of each? Why can’t we be both future-oriented and likely to help others in need?  A lot of questions rush to my head.  I have to post them here for you to ponder upon.

I have to record this incident as it is still fresh in my mind.

The 10-year-old boy in my house feels like a horse out of reins, a bird out of cage, totally free when his mother is far away. Thus some behavior issues followed. I threatened to tell his mother.  It worked until he found out I would not tell at all.  Why should I when I know the mother, being so far away, cannot do anything at all?  Also, it is not pleasant for any mom to learn of the problems with her children.  So I make the point of not telling his mother anything she did not want to hear.

The day before yesterday, 10/28/2008,  when the boy spattered water while taking shower, I told him not to. He would not listen and did not care if I told his mother.  ”Go ahead telling my mom,” he anticipated this and told me not without a challenge.  

I tried to figured out what was going on in his mind at that moment.  First of all, he knew I was too nice to say something unpleasant about him to his mother and have not ever done this before, which is absolutely true.  Secondly, even if I do tell on him, he can always explain away his problems to his mother, which is also absolutely true. Thirdly, he thinks I am simply at my wit’s end and all I could do was telling his mother.  I think he has too much underestimated my mental power.  I would be a fool if I fall into this booby trap. 

So I said, “I am not going to tell anyone.  I can handle everything. If you do it again, I will simply open the bathroom door and shut down the water.”  He knows I am serious from my tone. No more was said on it any more.  Yesterday, he did not play with water in shower as he had done before.

On reading English book, He would not listen to me when I asked him to. So I talked to his teacher, asking her to make reading homework for him. So she did. Yesterday I told him he would tremendously displease his teacher if he did not do what his teacher asked. The trick worked so far. I will have to think of something else when it stops working.

This further proves loving care alone won’t always work. Sometimes tacts and tricks can help in parenting.  This piece is too interesting to miss.

Not a true revelation to me, but shocking enough for some people at my office.  Last Friday a question was posed to me on the level of education that I had received.  I was fed up with the assumption that I had not even finished high school here, so I inadvertently told one of my colleagues to type in my name in full and do a yahoo search. That colleague was totally dumbfounded to learn of my level of education — unbelievable for a high school dropout to be a Ph.D holder.

I have been utterly amused observing the way some people talk to me at the office, imagining what is going on in their minds when they talk to me in a babyfeeding manner.  An interesting interval to an otherwise boring daily routine.  The contempt has never been concealed because some of them think it unnecessary since I have been considered too dumb to even comprehend any contempt shown on their faces.  

My son once told me, “Mom, you should insist on being called ‘Dr. …’  since you are so smart and should let the rest of the world know.”  Let me put it this way. I engage in intelligent conversations only to those who can appreciate it.  Otherwise, I avoid any chance of depreciating myself. So much for the explanation, not meant to be offensive, though.

Will continue on the book Time Paradox tomorrow.

Continue on time paradox.  Here’s the first paradox of time — “Your attitude toward time have a profound impact on your life and your world, yet you seldom recognize it.” p. 6  Here’s the paradox: most of us, myself included, are trapped by daily trivia things in life while failing to recognize the most important thing in our lives — TIME, the limited and irreplaceable resource in our lives.

I read this quote again in this book.  “No man ever steps into the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man,” by Heraclitus.  Yes, everything is going through constant non-stop changes.  We learned it back in our primary school and yet, we don’t seem to have this mind and mentality to be aware of and face daily changes in everything in our lives.  I am sure our attitude toward everything would be vastly different if we were aware of this constant in our lives. 

Why does the paradox of time exist?  I like this explanation – “Just as fish may be unaware of the existence of water in which they swim, most of us are unaware of the ceaseless flowing time in which we live.” p. 8  Because we take for granted this seemingly never-ending flowing time, we seldom value it and realize its importance, just as fish unaware of the life-dependent element — water.

Again, the author reinforces this point — Time is finite for all of us.  Once gone,  forever gone.  Ben Franklin said “Time is money.”  Wrong.  Time is more important than money, no amount of gold can buy back your lost time, yet we calculate how we spend money but seldom calculate how we spend time.  Not a miscalculation error but wrong object of calculation.  Another big paradox on time.

On Saturday, 10/25/2008, I went to Barnes & Noble’s waiting while someone went clothes shopping with a friend.  At the bookstore, I saw a new book called The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life, by Philip Zimbardo and John Boyd, 2008.  I was very much intriqued by the title and was eager to find out what this paradox is.  So, I got this book. I have not finished reading this book, but from what I have read so far, my understanding is:  the biggest paradox is the fact that time is the most valuable possession that we have in life, yet its value is seldom recognized and thus seldom appreciated. I want to share the following with my children.

On its front flap, it says, “Your every significant choice — every important decision you make — is determined by a force operating deep inside your mind: your personal time zone. This is the most influential force in your life, yet you are virtually unaware of it. Once you become aware of your personal time zone, you can begin to see and manage your life in exciting new ways.” My understanding of personal time zone is your perspective, attitude, awareness and use of time.

On the crypt of the Capuchin Monks, an inscription written on the floor at the foot of a pile of human bones says, p. 5
“What you are, they once were,
What they are, you will be.”
Don’t we need to be reminded that someday in the future we will all be like this pile of bones?

I had another busy week at office with monitor on Tuesday and Friday and preparation for auditing next week.  Weekend comes when I am so much ready for it.  Yet, weekend always means a different busy schedule, starting art class in the morning and tennis lession in the afternoon.

Someone, I-can’t-tell-who, read some of my postings today, requesting to remove those postings that mention that someone.  I said there was nothing untrue and that person also writes about me in cyberspace. Still, I have to take them off.

On the confirmation hearing for the United States Secretary of State, a Democrat from California raised the sharpest question to Rice on her role in Iraq War, “I personally believe, this is my personal view, that your loyalty to the mission you were given, to sell this war, overwhelmed your respect for the truth.” p. 252.

This surely reached its goal of angering Rice. Yet, there are two things in the statement that I want to point out. First is loyalty, one outstanding feature of Rice. Rice has an unquestioned 100% loyalty to her boss, whoever that might be. Good for the boss!  She has the political acument to sense the intention of her boss and makes it her mission to help her boss achieve the goal.  On loyalty, I would tell my children not to give loyalty to any person but to what you believe is truth.

Second is truth. We “respect for the truth” only when we know what the truth is and we care to stand by truth. When Colin Powell gave Bush the sharpest criticism of Iraq War and questioned if Bush fully understood the huge implication of the war (p. 186), Rice was lost and could not follow Powel. She simply has no sense of what truth is.  For her, truth lies in whatever the boss says.

We don’t even need to wait for history to be the final judge on the war because we can see the consequence now and see the role of each person involved in this large-scaled event. Isn’t that enough for us parents to ponder upon what we should tell our children on loyalty and truth?

I have devoted too much of my posting on Condi Rice lately. Now here’s another of my favorite topic — TIME.

Last week someone was listening to a Chinese children song on time.  It describes time as a magician who can change everything — season, appearance of our face, etc. When I go back to China and see folks whom I have not seen since my last visit, we expect to see apearance changes in each other. When my son came back from Boston, he said he felt he had changed a lot but he did not see much change in his high school classmates. I think he meant changes both inside and outside.

Indeed, time does do the trick of bringing changes in everything, including the chemical part of our hearts and heads, but we are the one who control how much changes and what kind of change that we want to take place regarding our mind and soul. Therefore, the saying “Time is a big equalizer” is true in a limited way.

If you want to bring changes inside you, time won’t be the key factor.  You need to take initiative.  If you don’t make efforts to increase your knowledge and wisdom with the same increase rate of age, you remain unchanged mentally despite of your changed appearance.

But sometimes, we want to keep something unchanged in our hearts even if changes occur to us outside.  I remember a poem goes like this,
          My heart leapt up when I behold,
          A rainbow in the sky.
          So was it when I was small;
          So be it when I am a man
          So shall it be when I am old.
The poet wants to remain young at heart even if he is old. Is it that what we all want?

During the days after Hurricane Katrina, while the country was horrified over the loss of human lives and the dire situation of poor black refugees, Rice went on a shopping spree at Ferragamo on Fifth Avenue for thousands of shoes. “Theater goers in New York City’s Great White Way were shocked to see the President’s former National Security Advisor at the Monty Python farce … as the rest of the cabinet responds to Hurricane Katrina.”

Her explanation was, “I probably had not fully understood that I had also kind of gone into this category of national leader, … that people expected me to be part of the solution for Katrina. I just didn’t get it, frankly.” pp. 266-267.

I am not sure if she is enlightened enough to understand this simple truth — it is not what people expect you to do.  It is what you expect yourself to do and to help as an ordinary human being, from your heart, when you see so many of your people suffer and when you are in the position to help, that is, if you have the heart for the suffering people of yours.  Even my children know to make donations when the earthquake hit Sichuan, China. Her lack of sympathy for her people in Katrina disaster is beyond my comprehension.

It shocks me to read about her attitude toward those underprivileged.  Rice talked about welfare recipients “taking advantage of the government and that they need to pull themselves up on their own.” Rice knows most of those welfare recipients are African Americans like herself.  One of her former colleague at Stanford commented on her, “That woman has a hard streak in her.” p. 107

The hard streak in her is the defect in her education — single-minded focus on success while lacking of cultivation in humanities field, the care of soul and mind, which result in her inability of understanding and empathy to think and feel how others do.  I would think this is a lesson for all parents who want their children to be full social beings, capable of both thinking and feeling.

Continue on the topic left from yesterday.  Rice became what her parents wanted her to be — succeed no matter what. She also turned out to be the exact product of their education — single-minded pursuit of success.

Her parents saw education as being instrumental to achieve what you aimed. “… you can achieve anything, you can do whatever you want to do, if only you get an education, …” p. 23  Rice was made sure to receive the best and highest education that could be obtain, music and French from very young, started learning to read at age 3, till she got Ph.D at the end.  Her French teacher was “struck … by John Rice’s full-time focus on the betterment of Condoleezza Rice.” p. 20.  Yet her parents did not have the intellectual ability to see education as being essential in developing a full-person, heart and soul, not simply an instrument to success.

As Rice put it, “I never developed the fine art of recreational reading.” p. 17,  whatever that might mean.  I would think she was saying she has not developed a love of reading for the pure joy, wisdom, insight and the mind-cultivating that reading is supposed to offer.

The result is Rice did have Ph.D, yet she does not have the intellectual depth to think and reflect.  “She may not have been an intellectual secretary of state like Kissinger or a master strategist like Baker, but she probably had more drive than either of them. The disciplined blaze of her life — … — suggested that she would throw everything she had into trying to triumph in the twilight of the Bush presidency.  It was obvious from Rice’s many metamorphoses that her real ideology was not idealism or realism or defending the citadels of freedom, … Her real ideology was succeeding.” p. 311

“Rice was never especially self-reflective, but she was always optimistic, and in June 2007, when she was asked to assess how she had performed as national security adviser, she gave an odd answer. ‘I don’t know. I think I did okay.’”  p. 310  These words are so revealing of her character, void of higher order of philosophical thinking.

Unlike former president Clinton and many other great persons, Rice has no enduring belief, no ideal. She has single-mindedly pursued one thing — success.  And she has succeeded for the sake of succes.

I strongly feel that there is something missing in her as I was reading her biography, something at first I cannot catch. By the time I read about her response to Hurricane Katrina, I came to realize the weak link in her education.  Yes, the kind of education is what I am interested in most when I read about Rice.  Blame me for being a parent all the time.

I will talk about this tomorrow.

I have been lately reading a biography on Condoleezza Rice, secretary of state on Bush junior’s second term, written by Elizabeth Bumiller, 2007.  On the one hand, this book is like all other books, having the bias of the author; on the other hand, it presents a mixed picture and message to readers like me, a parent who is reading and trying to find enlightenment on parenting.

One of the most striking fact that I will talk about is the role of parents in the success of a child.  Her parents “poured their hearts into the project of their lives: the teaching, molding, and polishing of Condoleezza.” p. 14.  Rice’s mother was “an intense, devoted mother. ‘Condoleeza was her world.’” p. 11.  While other kids were playing, the little Rice was made to spend her time on useful activities like reading and practicing piano.

It is no exaggeration to say that Rice would not have climbed this high without the exceptional dedication and stubbornly tenacious insistence of her parents in placing the interests and the success of their child before anything else. I would imagine our country’s prisons would be nearly empty if all parents shared at least one percent of Rice’s parents’ effort in their children’s education.  I feel very much dwarfed in comparison to Rice’s mom.

Rice is the living example of the saying — you reap what you sow.  She is the exact product of the upbringing of her parents, whatever that may be, which I will dwell on later.

A friend of mine called me today about her daughter who was born in the same year as my daughter but only around the end of the year.  She told me her daughter experienced tremendous changes this year. Plus she often feels bored at school.  I only told her to have the child read as much as she can. She feels her daughter already reads a lot and really see no point of reading like this. I did not say more.

I was a bit surprised that she called and talked about her daughter.  Because I remember she is not a devoted parent as some of my friends are.  She used to spend a lot of time watching TV and on other self-entertaining activities. I wish I could share with her more on reading and the parenting and understanding of teenagers, yet I held myself back. I did not even share with her this site. I know she is not interested in listening or reading whatever I write here and will have time for it.

To be honest, she is one of the few carefree parents that I have ever known who loses no time enjoying herself.  She reminds me of one of our relatives.  That relative’s 25-year-old son is here with us.  Sometimes, I wish I could be that carefree and I would have the whole weekend for myself.  People are amazingly different.

While I was writing an email on reading, I thought of someone’s reading. That someone used to read a lot on teenage girl, which I thought it too trashy to read. How much can you learn from teenage girl stories? I have emphasized reading classics and educational material instead of pure entertainment. Later one instance changed my view.

That someone once described to me how bratty and obnoxious some of the teenage girls are. She was talking about some characters in books she had read. She talked about the problem teenagers with disgust and obvious objection. Through reading she has come to understand how much miseries and sufferings these teenagers have brought upon their parents. Reading makes her think and reflect upon her own behavior, and in a way helps her see clearly what kind of behavior she should avoid and what kind of person she should become. Isn’t that wonderful?

To be sure, writing is an intellectual activity, so is reading. That is, you will benefit tremendously if you can engage in active dialogue with the author and think while read.

As Francis Bacon once said, “Reading makes a full man.”  I would add reading plus thinking make a full woman.  Without thinking, I don’t know how much benefit one can reap from reading.

By the way, this is my experience yesterday.  Too nice not to mention here.  Yesterday’s monitors, 10/16/2008, were obviously very understanding. They saw how challenging our task was. They went out for lunch and came back with a box of deluxe cookies for me.  This is the first time that the monitor has ever done this.

Contrary to Flannery O’Connor’s “A Good Man Is Hard to Find,” I do occasionally find some at work, from outside office to be exact.

It is a rather rough week so far with one monitor on Tuesday and two on Wed and Thurs and three on Friday. One of my colleagues left last Friday, her replacement from another site came on Wednesday, busy getting herself familiar with the cases.  The worst part of the week so far was yesterday morning when a colleague told me what the monitor said of me — “She could have got this or that done but she did not, etc.”  If the monitor did not know better, the colleague should know how under-staffed our team is lately and how much I have been working on.  The department manager came over to the site and wrote to me about this since I had left at 3:45 PM.  There were so much not-so-nice gossips behind my back. All because I have been nice to them and they think I am an easy ball to kick around.

The funny part is they were talking about the patient that I should have worked on and this patient turned out to be the patient under the care of the one who just left.  Outside my realm of responsibilities.  Get it?  They blame me for something that has nothing to do with me!  Good job but wrong target.  What would be their next accusation against me?  I am badly intrigued.

For my children, I would be a liar if I said I was not disturbed by all this unfairness and unpleasantness going on around me. Yet, I have been able to focus on the important things in my life and move on as happily as I can.  It is extremely important not to succumb yourself to the toxic environment that you find yourself in. When you know backstabbing is indecent, you will not do it even if everybody around is doing it all the time.

You need expertise to do your job well, but you need a lot more in your character to be decently happy and productive at work.  There are two terms in Chinese, zuo shi, zue ren.  You need to do good things and be good person at the same time.

Last week, the title of a book caught me eyes when I was at local library, “Building Moral Intelligence — The Seven Essential Virtue That Teaches Kids to Do the Right Thing” by Michele Borba. Interesting title. I know IQ and EQ and now comes MQ.  It claims to be “The complete plan for raising kids from 3 to 15.  Too late for me when my youngest one is already 13.  Still, I flipped through the book for miracle cure.

The book’s talk on self-control reminds me of a book on EQ, emotional intelligence.  Indeed, there are some similarities.  Here are “the stages of self-control development’ which I thought some parents with younger children might find it helpful:

Stage 1 — formation of a secure base, birth to 1 year
Stage 2 –external control orientation, 1 to 3 years
Stage 3 –rigid rule-following, 3 to 6 years
Stage 4 –awareness of impulses, 6 to 12 years. “The child uses inner thoughts to direct his behavior and manage impulses. He learns beginning problem-solving skills and develops a stronger awareness of his behavior.”
Stage 5 –internal control orientation, 12 to 20 years. At this stage, “The child acquires more sophisticated problem-solving skills and is much more aware of her own behavioral urges and triggers.” p. 113.

There are many thought-provoking statements throughout the book. One of them is “The deadliest scenario for moral development is one in which the child grows up believing that she should do something only if she’s given something in return.” p. 102.

There are something that everybody should do even if there is no guarantee of something in return, something like duties and responsibilities, at school and at home, that each one of us, children included, must take care of everyday.

I am glad that I have never paid my children to do household duties like some American parents do. Yet, they have seldom pitched in around the house, like I did helping my mother when I was their age.  Regarding household work, it is no exaggeration to say that they are as lazy as you can imagine.  Probably because I have never paid them.  But who pays me to work second shift at home, cooking, cleaning, and all the nameless and backbreaking non-stop drudgeries? 

Sometimes, my daughter even uses her study to bargain with me.  For example, she will work on her SAT if I take her to clothes shopping.   

This marks the failed part of my parenting.  Not pleasant to think about but it is true. I only hope they will become mature and willing to help around someday, if not at home at some other places, willing to volunteer and make contributions without bargaining for venal gain of whatever form.  I will check their progress in one year, if I can remember it.  Hopefully, I forget it, right?

Now I do learn something from this book, a big discovery!  Indeed.