On last Monday morning, 3/8, I heard on my way to work news on education again. “The Education Department is launching 38 investigations into possible civil rights violations by schools and colleges in more than 30 states. Secretary Arne Duncan makes the announcement Monday in Selma, Alabama, where he will join civil rights leaders to commemorate the 45th anniversary of one of the bloodiest clashes between protesters and state police.” Next we learned more news about the achievement and education gap between white and non-white, that is, black students trail far behind white in math and English, etc. Of course the system and the teachers with prejudice were blamed for this black failure in school.

I lost my patience hearing talks like this when people presented the gap of achievement together with the role of school and teacher. Why wasn’t there any talk on the role of the parents in students’s failed school performance. It is ridiculous to expect teachers to dispense discipline instead of imparting knowledge. As responsible parents, we all know very well that no real learning is possible with proper discipine. Teachers are to teach not to discipline bad-behaved children.

We will never be able to narrow this school achievement gap if we refuse to confront honestly the problem that is rooted in the culture, the one that has failed to raise good students and succeeded in supply most to the U.S. prisons. Without a thorough cultural shakeup, we can get nowhere no matter how much money we squander into the system.

On Sunday afternoon, 1/24, I was in Xi Dan Beijing Booktore looking for some books for my children. Oh boy, what an ocean of books and people, pressing breathlessly around you from all directions. I got hold of a translated book originally written by Eric Jensen on brain enrichment. What a glorious goal! I never allow myself to miss a chance to rake my brain. So I bought the book, even though I am sure I won’t have the time for it.

There are a few pages on children with ADD (attention deficit disorder), which I found interesting. I realize there are way too many children in the U.S. being diagnozed with ADD when in fact it is more a matter of discipline than physical problem. The book partially confirms my prejudice.

There are many treatments for ADD children. Instead of using drugs and other similar chemical therapies, the book recommends that the best therapy is management and development of certain techniques. This is nothing but applying some disciplines on children, to which I agree without any reservation

Here are some therapy tips.
(1) User planner, stick notes or calendar as a reminder for deadlines and anything that need your care.
(2) Make a list of to-do-task when you feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that need to be done. Manage each task from this list.
(3) Use key words to help you focus on task on hand
(4) Divide time into small chunks and allocate tasks for each small timeframe. Strictly complete each task without given time.
(5) Use plan instead of impulse

Good luck to both children and parents.

My mother shared with me an article on children education, entitled “Habits determine a child’s destiny” written by some expert in education. Below are some notable notes from the reading.

Children without exception want to do well at school. The trouble with those not-so-good children is they are bedeviled beyond themselves by some bad habits. On the other hand, the key to good students is their good habits. Habits are certain stable and automatic behavior that links the stimulus and reaction. A habit is initially formed when a behavior is repeated and maintained in at least 21 days and become stable after 90 days.

A habit is restricting on the surface but liberating in essence. You seem to be restricted from doing the undesirable things, yet it liberates you from ever thinking of not doing it at all. That is, you avoid doing thing of low value without ever thinking of avoiding! Isn’t that wonderfully energy-liberating!

Good habits bring you many unexpected good opportunities while bad ones ruin you without your knowing it.

A Russian educator once said something like this. Good habits are an asset deposited in one’s CNS (central nerve system), which will continuouslly appreciate over time, enabling a person to benefit from its endless interests. On the other hand, bad habits are moral debts which will continuously accumulate and augment to an uncontrollable mass pressing on your nerve till your last moment. As the result, you will never be able to pay it in full in your lifetime and eventually it will lead you to total bankruptcy. In my mother’s own word, a bad habit will push you over a thousand-depth cliff. What a horrible nightmare!

What a boring topic, as if I did not know it! I am sure people from background can come up with different understanding on this question.

The question popped up in my mind when I was chatting with my relatives in China. The more they talk about schooling, the more I feel lost. They spend so much time on preparing for the exams, all kinds of them, so much so that you feel exam preparation is the center of gravity, the core of education, leaving you wondering what, in the end, we want to get out of education, other than good grades.

Einstein was once quoted saying something like this. “What is education? It is whatever left after we forget all that were taught to us.” Educational process is like water flowing through our brains; the deposit is what we eventually get from this process.

Grade reports are rather superficial and temporary when comparing to a person’s ability to think, analyze, search and research, persistency in goal-setting and pursuing, personal integrity, responsibility and reliability, and all the fine qualities that will accompany and benefit a person in the long years to come.

Alas, I just realize there are so many things that are more important than a mere good grade. Still, for now, I love good grades. The more, the better.

An old man gives a youth four pieces of advice:
(1) treat self as others
(2) treat others as self
(3) treat others as others
(4) treat yourself as yourself

Following the first advice, you will be able to better endure whatever sadness or happiness that you have when you imagine how others feel in your situation. With the second one, you will be able to feel the joy or the pain that others experience. The third one emphasizes the fact that each individual should be accepted and respected on his/her term, that no one shall impose his/her will upon others. The last one is this — we are responsible for our own lives.

It is so easy to forget accepting others and treating them with due respect, especially within family members or between intimate relationship. And very often we fail to be responsible for ourselves and our commitment. We would be much wiser and happier if we could take to heart these advices.

A day before the eve of New Year.
On Monday after I got back from work, I asked my daughter what she had accomplished in a day. “Oops, I have not thought about it, but I will think about it tomorrow,” said she. My son said, “You should always think about what you should do at the beginning of the day instead of at the end of the day. Otherwise, you will think there is always a tomorrow to get things done.” His words reminds me of a poem called The Song of Tomorrow. It goes like this, “Tomorrow after tomorrow, with endless tomorrows. Everything will end up in bubbles if people always wait for tomorrow…”

An acquaintance of mine started his Ph.D program and had to give it up after over a decade. I know of many people who can be characterized as having a big temper but small character, steel-strong in trivial fight but cotton-weak in the will to rise up. When he is expected to complete a task within a certain time-frame, he fails again and again and has to push back this time limit. For all people like this friend of mine, it is mostly because they are not strong enough to break out of their comfort zone and do what they have to do. A loser has to break away from his/her loser habit in order to cease to be a loser.

I always tell my children, “A man got to do what a man got to do” and “Tough it out if toughness is needed.” If you lose, there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever. You can get back to your comfort zone only after you have fulfilled your commitment to yourself and to others. If you make one commitment or set one task for yourself, stick to it until the job is complete. If you start a journey, like that lovely tortoise, don’t stop until you reach the end.

I have seen too many cases where a person so ridiculously fails simply because he/she cannot tough it out, all being the direct outcome of a weak will and character, the ruin of it all. Therefore, the building of a strong valid character should be on top of all parenting efforts. With that, everything else should fall in their right place.

A friend of mine asked about college application. Here’s one important success ingredient.

I can never overemphasize the importance of extracurricular activities. I identify this as one of the essential components in college application. These non-academic experiences throw more light than GPA and SAT on your personality, passion, interests, potentials, maturity, ability, and leadership. A sustained commitment to a well-chosen activity is a rare quality found among high school students. If GPA and SAT tests your academic power, extracurricular activities expose the human side of you, making them to see a whole person with full spectrum.

Very often extracurricular experience is also rewarding and life-enhancing, yielding more fruit in the long run than you realize at the moment. These experiences provide unique material for essay and interview topic.

Back to the practical side, the more extracurricular activities you get involved, the more admission index points you accumulate in your favor, the greater chance you will have for thing to go your way. This is especially written for my daughter.

P.S. I just read this quote from a book that my son recommended me during his Thanksgiving breaks — “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.” Herbert Spencer.

Last weekend, I talked with a friend of mine over the phone about young Chinese students over here for graduate education. She was glad to report to me that her nephew, the son of her brother, went back to China and got a teaching position at Shanghai Shifan University (an institute for bringing out teachers). The young man stayed in US for a year and 5 month for his master degree in economics and went back after graduation. He first got a job teaching English at New East Institute teaching English, later landed this job, teaching economics in English. She told her nephew to find American roommate while he was in US and he did. See how much progress in English he had made in this short period of time.

I applaud for the young man’s success in his job-hunting. Indeed, it all fails, one can always pick up a job as an English language teacher, using his/her language skill. On the other hand, I have learned of many cases where young Chinese students still cannot communicate well with ordinary Americans even after three or four years of living in America.

The first step toward real language learning is to break out of one’s comfort zone by living with non-Chinese-speaking roommates, soaking yourself in this language as much as possible. Thus, you are forced to think and speak English whenever you open your mouth. Just as there is no excuse to trifle away your life, there is no excuse whatsoever to waste this opportunity to enrich yourself in this English language speaking environment.

As with everything else in your life and as I always say to my children, it is your life, your choice and your responsibility.

“Every year, on the third Thursday of November, smokers across the nation take part in the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout® by smoking less or quitting for the day on the third Thursday of November. The event challenges people to stop using tobacco.” — Thus, I was told.

I read something on the subject and share its insight here. “Many experts believe smoking is only about 10% physical addiction and a whopping 90% psychological addiction. Your body will recover fairly quickly from nicotine withdrawals (the worst symptoms usually abate in three days or less), but your psychological dependency on cigarettes can be much more difficult to defeat.”

So well said! Smoking is actually like all habits, like computer gaming, internet surfing. Habits are hard to break because of our strong psychological addiction and dependency. In fact, all of our deeply-rooted habit has psychological base which makes so stubborn to break.

Experts on it suggest doing a self-analysis before taking any habit-changing moves. Make a list with two columns. Label column one “Why I Do it” and label column two “Why I Want To Quit Doing it.”

In column one, list all the reasons and benefits you can remember as to why you started doing it in the first place. In column two, list all the benefits and advantages that you can think of if you quit doing it.

The more reason and benefits that you can think of for column two, the more mental and will power you can harness and the more motivated you are in breaking from the old habit. I think this self-analysis is very important for anyone to break any undesirable habit. I shared it with my daughter — we all live through each day, driven mostly by habits. Some habits lead you to succeed, while others lead you to the opposite direction. Be watchful of your habits if you care where you are heading.

A friend of mine in Los Angeles sent me a writing by a Jewish mother of three. Growing up and being educated in China, this Jewish mother immigrated to Israel early 1990s, with her three children.

The main idea of her writing is to proudly demonstrate how Jewish children are taught to make money, pay for what they get from earliest years of their lives, starting from their home. Before long, all of them, mother and her three children become shrewd business Jews. There is no free service even at home — the writer/mother gets paid for her household work done for the children, the youngest child receives payment from her two brothers for a Jewish drink. The children made egg-rolls at home and sold them at school. I’m wondering if the young children pay their rent for living at home.

It gives me a rather uneasy feeling after reading her writing, as if the whole gravity of living weighs on making money, the more, the better. Is it supposed to be this way? Have I missed anything in my upbringing of my children? To be sure, I have done so much for my children and have not charged them a penny. Or should I?

I used to believe home is the place where we work, like it or not, and don’t get paid in term of money, as long as it is our own home. It is more like a volunteer work, where we do for free, except very often we don’t do it willingly. Because household work can be backbreaking, especially after a day’s work. Still, for some reason, I find it hard to accept the concept that our children pay us for the service we render out of parental love and responsibility. In fact I don’t think it a desirable practice to charge children for our service as parents. If that were the case, I don’t really need to go out working, simply serve my children and get paid. I told my daughter of this, she thinks the practice goes too far, “It’s not like a family any more.” Well, certainly not a Chinese family.

On the other hand, we have to do household work, endless of it, much as we don’t like it. It seems unfair for parents to do them all while the children are capable of helping out. How can we make children pitch in voluntarily at home, if not using Jewish way? I don’t think I have done a good job in this area as my children never lend a helping hand when I expect them to.

Get a taste of Jewish teaching below,

It has been nearly two years since I first talked to my daughter about getting some work experience either by working for others or starting her own company. We all agreed that work experience was very crucial to her future success. At first, money-making is not the concern. Yet, so far nothing has happened.

Yesterday evening, I raised the topic again. “How about setting up a business that helps students with SAT preparation?” I threw out this suggestion. I said we all tried to capitalize our own assets, that is, what service we can offer others. Since you have worked on SAT preparation, you can reflect upon this experience and try to make it valuable to others.

My daughter thought the idea not feasible, “People would hire someone much older than I am,” said she. She thought people had prejudice regarding the age of people they would hire for help.

Indeed, prejudice does exist when people prefer older and experienced tutors as if younger ones were not qualified. Prejudice is not right. It is up to us to wipe any prejudice of this kind. If we don’t do anything, we actually feed in and thus perpetuate this prejudice.

Moreover, keep in mind this. When you set up a business, it does not mean that you do all the job. You can always hire someone to do what you cannot do. You have to rake your brain and be able to come up with solutions when you have your own business.

This I keep telling my children — if you want to be like everybody else and end up being mediocre, follow the convention. If you want to be successful, be original, unconventional and resourceful in your thinking, your planning, and your action.

I often heard parents mentioning how much time the children put into this or that activities. For some times I employed the same method on my children — you need to practice piano at least half an hour everyday. This does not necessary yield desired result.

Lately, I discover we might be better off if we can be flexible in imposing rules of study. From my past experience, I have seen failure in both methods if not employed properly.

For example, when you insist on children’s devoting one hour on practicing piano, what you often see is children play around the piano for an hour without getting anything done. When you ask children to complete homework, they would spend the whole evening on 10 math problems which they could very well get it over in 30 minutes.

In reality, task-oriented method works best on piano or skate practice when quality is top concern; time-oriented one works best on homework when you need to get it over in the smallest amount of time. I told my daughter, “Never mind how much time you put into practice, as long as you reach the goal you set for yourself.” With her math homework, I ask her to find out how much time one problem will take, then multiple that number with the number of your math problem is the total time needed for you homework.

For myself, I use task-oriented method at home doing my own amateur plus hobbies. At work, I often use time-oriented method, trying to get the task done as soon as possible.

Now, everybody, including the children, is happy with the correct study rule now.

Since last week, I have been working with one of my children on essay writing, as part of SAT preparation. As a Chinese saying goes, a piece of writing is like its writer, wen ru qi ren. In other word, writing reveals its author. That’s why a good essay is also extremely helpful in college application.

There are some basic rules:
(1) There must be a central theme, which is like a thread going through all the beads in your whole writing. Determine your theme first and stick to it.

(2) Before anything else, brainstorm yourself and come out with as ideas as possible. Ideas enable you to expound your theme in various different ways. Without ideas, your writing is like a well without water.

(3) Organize your thoughts so that the theme stands out and the whole piece is coherent and well-organized. Cross out all the irrelevant ideas, however dear they may seem to you.

(4) The only sure way to improve your writing is to practice and practice.

Take for example my 9/26 posting, state the theme first, next think of what a doctor would say, then how a patient would think about doctors now, last count the damage to medical profession. Lastly, imagine yourself as a doctor, if you feel up to.

To be sure, your writing must surpass by a large margin whatever written on this site if you are serious about getting somewhere, someday. Good luck.

Last weekend I read this piece with my daughter and will share it with my son. I often hear him say how busy he is and he has no time for this or that. This is especially written for him.

A certain modern American poet and novelist “Alesking” used to take piano lessons from a man called Karl Ward. Apart from piano, this teacher also taught him an important lesson on time management.

The piano teacher told him this — you should get into the habit of seizing every small amount of time to practice. Such as, prior to going to school in the morning, after lunch or break between your work, even if you have only 5 minutes. It will be a huge amount of time if you add them up. This way piano practice will become part of your life.

Later in his life, while Alesking was teaching in a college, he was planning on writing novels. Yet, two years passed without his ever writing a single word. He was frustrated over lack of time for writing until one day the words of his former piano teacher came back to him.

With that he started adopting this so-called “short-time practice” method and writing a few words or lines or pages whenever he got as little as 5 minutes. To his surprise, he had written a rather handsome volume in just one semester. Hence he continued using this time management method until he became an accomplished poet and novelist, and a successful college professor.

It will be too harsh to say that “no time” is a convenient excuse for the mediocre. If we always wait for a whole chunk of time to work on our agenda, we will always fail to find this time and equally fail in whatever we want to pursue.

The day before the birthday of the other adult in the family, I always remind the children to say “Happy birthday.” It always makes the day very special when my son calls to send birthday wish. Sometimes a few words can work wonder. It is the thought that counts, though the thought and its expression cost nothing.

On the late evening of 8/27/2009, about 11:30 PM, before my daughter went to sleep, I told her that ever since her brother was born, I had always been sleep-deprived. I had to work against time, beating deadline, keenly aware of the scarcity of time, so much so that I had to pick and choose what activities that I would engage whenever I got a second. Among them, house-cleaning was the least concern of mine, which brought constant grumbles in the family. For so many years, I have built up great tolerance for mess, chaos, and general disorder that I often find myself in.

My daughter asked, “Couldn’t you hire a nanny?”
“That was expensive. Remember we were graduate students?” I told her.
“Can you borrow some money from grandma?” again she asked. Indeed, she thought people in China were rich after she saw two of her cousins came here in recent years.
“Back 20 years ago, people in China didn’t have money neither,” I explained.
“Then how could they live if they didn’t have money?” she asked.
“They had money for basic living expense but not anything extra to send us,” said I.
“Oh …”

This is one of the moments that I shared my past experience with my children so that they would appreciate more what they have today. In Chinese, it is called “yi gu si tian,” which is translated into the title of this posting. Actually, the Chinese meaning goes something like this, “Recall the bitterness of the Past. Reflect the sweetness of the present.”

Yesterday morning, at my daughter art class location, I received two books from a friend of mine. I am not sure of the English title of the book, though it was claimed to be a translated book from a Harvard scholar named William Bernard. It is called Harvard Family Instruction, yet I couldn’t locate this title on the Internet.

The books consist of short stories, revealing deep moral lessons to the readers. I told my daughter one story on the way to her friend’s house in the afternoon after skating.

“A man confessed to a pastor that he was the real murderer in a criminal case, yet an innocent person was arrested and was going to be executed for his crime. Upon learning this, the pastor should go to the police and set free the innocent, yet he couldn’t because he had sworn to God that he would not break the confidentiality rule. So, he decided to remain silent. In order to clear the guilt from his conscience, he confided this to another pastor. In the end, both pastors had their lips sealed and witnessed an innocent going to Heaven…”

“It isn’t real, I hope,” my daughter commented.
“It is real when you think of the fact that pastors are very much afraid of offending God and not being able to go to Heaven,” I explained.
“Well, God is … if he allowed innocent to be killed. I would do anything to free him.” she said.

I wish the story were not real. Otherwise, I would be very much disappointed at religious leaders who place their own salvation above the life of others. Or can they escape punishment from God for their selfish act? If they can, what can we say of God? Let’s pretend it is only a fiction.

The school schedule in our school district is
primary school: 8:10 AM – 3:10 PM
middle school: 8:45 AM – 3:45 PM
high school 7:45 AM – 2:45 PM

Now my daughter is in high school and has to get up a little after 6 AM as she needs time to get ready for school. You may be wondering why high school has a so early timetable. Unbeknown most of Chinese, many American high school students work right off school. A Chinese neighbor of mine has a daughter who worked over 30 hours at a local grocery store during her high school years, earning her own spending money. Many high schoolers here support their own driving and other spending through their part-time job.

Just a week ago I learned of a Chinese girl from Beijing coming here for her graduate school. She was in for a wild shock upon her arrival this week when she suddenly found herself on her own feet, like a toddler just taking out the first step.

So much can be said of the sharp difference in parenting and education in these two countries, which makes huge difference in their degree of consequence.

I talked to one of my sisters in Beijing about high school in America and how much my son had changed during these 4 years. In fact, he emerged a different person after these years, being transformed from a shy preteen boy to a confident young adult. Many of these activities involved dealing with people of all levels.

Now that my daughter started high school, I reviewed with her what her brother did during his high school. To be sure, study took only a fraction of his time. His crazy high school days, which ended in May 2007, included the following.

Volunteer work
sports
work on internet business
Chinese tutoring
clubs activities and responsibilities
various competitions
internship
orchestra concerts
SAT, ACT, PSAT and AP exams
friend hangouts
and study

My son planned a lot better than the average high school students, which must be one of the factors that placed him above the average. Still, I remember he often ran out of time. In fact, time management was a big issue at that time. He always felt there were so much to do and so little time.

I talked to one of my relatives in Beijing last week. Her son’s girl friend came to America around 8/25. The boy is still a college senior in China, being one year younger than his girl friend. The mother is very much worried. What would happen to her son if the girl changed her “heart” and found another boy?

Since they are only girl-boy-friend relation, nothing is guaranteed and no promise cannot be broken. One step forward, even between a married couple, anything is possible with absolutely no guarantee of ever-lasting matrimonial bless.

All I have to say is, which is what I once told my son –
If a nation is rich, strong and just, all nations will gather around it willingly.
If a man is strong, capable and kind, he will attract the best girl possible.
Worry NOT if the girl will leave you.
Worry if you don’t have the fine qualities to attract and keep the girl.

In the end, it is the strongest that wins the fairest. So much like what we observe in animal world. Remember we are no better than those lives of lower degree in our obsession over opposite gender. Not flattering but true.

A quarter of a century ago, 7/27/1984, when I first showed up at the US customer in Los Angeles, I was almost penniless, with the promise of a full scholarship from Baylor University. A kind friend of mine bought the air ticket for me. I often retell my experience to my children so that they will understand where I came from and the important part education has played in the making of their parent.

On the other hand, I often mention to my daughter a young acquaintance of mine, a 27-year-old American without any higher education. She started working right off high school, having been in the same post ever since without any hope of career advancement. That is, she won’t be able to see any dramatic improvement in life unless she takes a giant step by going back to school and get some education. Good thing that she is single, having all the time for herself. Now she has realized this and is determined to take the plunge.

I emphasize to my children not only the value of a good education but also the endless benefits of lifetime pursuing and learning beyond the realm of classroom after they have some real world experience and are more self-directed. After all, having tasted the sweet fruit of learning, I feel a strong urge of sharing it with my children and my dear readers. Grab a book and read. Nothing is more enjoyable than this.

Happy learning!

Now that my daughter has entered high school, she should start looking for volunteer opportunities as my son did at her age. I often emphasize to my children the need to do good deeds whenever an opportunity is presented to them. Meanwhile, do no evil and hurt nobody.

It is not entirely out of my kind heart that I insist on doing good. I believe good deeds will eventually yield good returns. On the other hand, evil will eventually come back to you in whatever form it might be. There is no escape of that. Ever heard of the “boomerang theory” — Whatever you throw out into the world comes back to you? How dreadful that can be!

Here’s another reason for doing good — it always brings me good feeling when I do it. On the other hand, if I utter unkind words to others, the echo haunts me even if others have forgotten what I just said. The reality is it hurts me more than hurting others when I have been unkind. In other words, I don’t hurt others because I don’t want to hurt myself. Call it selfish if you will or a harmless form of selfishness, whatever you may think.

That’s what I say to my children, life’s too short and we are so limited in our ability for even doing good deeds. Once again, the simple dictum on the duty of physicians from ancient Greeks works wonder in the hearts of us all — “Do good, or at least do no harm.”

With this starts a wonderful Monday morning.

Today is the first day of high school for my daughter. Last night I told her to go to bed early so that she would be able to get up early, as school started at 7:40 AM. Meanwhile, I could fall asleep for a long time. There are so many things that I have thought of and that should be included in her semester plan. Much as I have thought and worried, I thought it better to keep them to myself instead of sharing with her, as I do not want to overwhelm her with these thoughts.

Last weekend, both of us, my daughter and I, have realized that she needs to be serious about her foreign language course. It was not until last Saturday 8/15, after I got back from a friend’s house, that I thought nothing substantial could be done if we did not have an action plan for it.

“How about one sentence per day?” I threw out this idea at her. She didn’t embrace immediately with enthusiasm. But after we listed the benefit of sticking up to this plan, she approved it whole-heartedly.

Here are the benefits that she could think of if she could follow the plan for one month.
(1) The fact that she has chosen to go for this good plan.
(2) The fact she has held the plan faithfully.
(3) The fact that it will make me happy.
(4) The fact that she will learn 30 French sentences.

I can see the greatest benefit is she will emerge a much better person in many ways, if she follows her plan for at least 30 days.

She has only three years to prepare for college application and these will be the busiest years in all her schoolings so far. Wish her good luck.

My son will be leaving for China in two days. I feel like having a million words to tell him, but I know better than being such a nuisance. I am sure he will forget it all if I do. Hence, only three words.

(1) Security. This is a matter of paramount importance. Don’t think you are a native Chinese and you have been to several different countries by yourself. You don’t really know China that well and law and order are not everywhere well-established. Better be careful than be sorry.

(2) Civility. Never take for granted the service rendered to you or kindness showered on you. Be prompt with your expression of gratitude. Do your share of work no matter where you go, like clean dishes or do your laundry. Say thankyou, please, excuse me, I’m sorry, when you should.

(3) Sincerity. I can never over-emphasized the screaming need for sincerity. For example, if some relative wants to buy something for you, accept it with a thankyou if you do need it and like it. Otherwise, let it be clearly known that it is a waste of money to buy it for you since you don’t need it. Don’t sound apologetic when you receive a gift as if you were such an unworthy good-for-nothing that you don’t deserve such a good gift, well, unless your self-esteem hit record-low. Remember you are my proud son and no gift is good enough for you.

It is disgusting when I see some Chinese say No to a gift but want more than anything in the world to keep it or they offer you something out of politeness, fully expecting you to turn it down. I can never tolerate inconsistency between what one says and what one thinks. It is also known as hypocrisy. You know how much I dislike it.

It’s about 2-week trip. Before long, you will be back. Be good and come back safe and sound.

The company issued to us “10 Commandments for Your Workplace” created by Harvey Mackay. Like the Ten Commandments in the Bible, the emphasis on these points only projects the reason behind this emphasis, that is, the sorrowful lack of them among the employees. To be sure, these are very good points, rich and sweet. That’s why I post them here to share with my readers and hopefully with my children someday. Comments are mostly my words.

(1) Be respectful, including people’s ideas, views, time, manners, etc.
(2) Follow through — if you promise it, do it no matter what.
(3) Think before you speak. Don’t exercise your freedom of speech at work
(4) Help out — go out of your way to help whenever you can, always
(5) Learn something new everyday — grow and develop for your own good
(6) Pay attention — don’t bury yourself in your own desk, keep your ears open to going-ons around you.
(7) Ignore pettiness — think BIG, rise above, always in life
(8) Be patient — you will lose everything if you lose your cool
(9) A good attitude is up to you — be a positive factor wherever you move your graceful self
(10) Do your best, in all situation and under all condition. You are the one who need to answer for judgement of your conscience.

Last weekend I sent a picture of my children to four of my friends. To be sure, they are far from having a star-look. Rather, they are just normal looking kids. Still, they are very much dear to me because they have been such wonderful kids.

Last weekend my daughter helped me with some kitchen work, upon my request. She was so glad to have helped, asking me “Why didn’t you ask my help earlier?” as if I had not done so before.

Yesterday I felt a bit under the weather, my daughter insisted that I went to bed and let her prepare the vegetable.

I talked to a friend of mine last week over the phone. She is remarried with an American living in east coast. She said there would not be anyone to read if she wrote because she did not have any kids. In other word, I write because of my children. So nice of her to bring it up to me.

True, children means many things to one’s life. On the one hand, they mean responsibilities, cost, and your time, plenty of them on the parents’ part. On the other hand, they are endless well of joy and blessings. Yet, you won’t be able to enjoy their presence if you have not done a good job in parenting. Remember Esmie Tseng? Again, as always, reap what you sow. See this.
(http://momwrite.com/2008/07/esmie-tseng-killed-her-mom-how-can-we-prevent-it/ )

I am thinking of the kind of role model, legacy, and memory that I want to leave to my children everyday. They are behind every thought of mine in my decision-making. The thought of them dwarfs all other trivial things and minor annoyances, making them seem so irrelevant and so unworthy of my attention.

See how important the children are in my life. That’s how people connect to each other generation after generation. Don’t tell me I don’t have a life of my own. My life has already been made million times richer because of them.

By the way, my son will visit relatives in China as he is the only grandson in his paternal side and has thus been specially valued. Yes, that’s another way of how generations are related.

Yesterday afternoon the whole family drove to the airport to send my son off. My daughter did not go skating in the afternoon in order to spend more time with her brother. At the airport, I asked my daughter to take a picture of me with my son. After saying goodbye, we left for home. My daughter looked cheerless and I felt equally downcast. So I told my daughter, “Your brother left home for a purpose, so do we staying here.” She sensed that I tried to cheer her up, so she asked, “Are you talking to me?” as if she did not need to be comforted. Actually I was also telling myself.

I told my son that 1/4 century ago I left his grandparents for America, a land of thousands of miles away, the separation and the sacrifice on both sides were painful, yet for a purpose, whatever that purpose was. I was then young and stupid, still I made this decision, believing I could achieve something better and bigger if I ventured out. In a way, by choosing to go out of the state for his higher education, he is in the same situation as I was 25 years ago, only he is not as far as I was from my parents and he has been well guided and prepared than I was before.

I am sure all parents feel the painful separation each time their children leave home. For me, a sense of purpose can help extenuate the pain and make both sides strong and focused.

On Monday, 6/22, the Supreme Court took the side of an Oregon parents of children with disabilities, ruling that they can claim reimbursement for the cost of private schooling if the public system fails to offer an appropriate program for their child.

A victory for all families who are fed up with the failing public school system. The school gets what it deserves! To be sure, the main concern of US public schools have been “No Child Left Behind,” with the eyes of all teachers being fixed on anyone who are trailing behind the class. Imagine as a nation where this will lead to when public schools ignore those who need to be more challenged and desire to move ahead of the average!

I know of many cases, including those of my children, in which the classes are too easy and the kids get bored, which encourage them to assume a rather slack attitude toward school and study. As my son said he could doze off the class and got an A. To them, school seems nothing but fun, piece of cake, when it should mean education and serious work. It is no exaggeration to say American public schools have failed to prepare the nation for the challenge of the world. That’s why the parents should take an active part if they truly care about their children’s education.

A short and sweet.

Imagine this–
A child likes to draw and draws everywhere, which upsets one of her parents who scolds her for not reading like other kids, “Look at your friend… Why don’t you take up a book and read?”

Another child likes to use his hands making stuffs but has not learned to clean afterward. Instead of recognizing the child’s special aptitude, one of his parent says to him, “You are only good at making a big mess. You are such a good for nothing.”

A wife likes to save water from kitchen and uses it for flushing toilet. Instead of appreciating her effort at saving, the husband tells her, “I don’t like your doing this.”

A husband enjoys cleaning the floor. He cleans it everyday with full force. The wife asks him, “Can’t you find something better to do than this?”

I have tons of real life examples of failure to appreciate the activities or efforts of other people, and of being negative no matter what other’s doing. You don’t need a good imagination to see the consequences of finding faults with each other. Dear readers, start being appreciative and you will see sunshine no matter where you turn, a win-win attitude, good for everybody.

Yesterday was the last day of the first session of my daughter’s summer class at SMW. Actually today should be the last day. The teacher told the class that those with average grade = A did not need to come today.

Yesterday, my daughter spent part of the day chatting and playing while those who had to come were busy preparing for the final.

She observed that it almost seemed unfair that some people were having fun while some others had to work hard through the boring stuff. I told her, “I don’t know the reason for those who lag behind, either because they have not worked hard enough or because of their limited brain power. No matter what, you should count your blessing that it doesn’t take you much effort to get serious work done and still have time for fun. Stretching this situation to your whole life, how much fun will you have if you can get job done easily and in a short time frame?

Indeed, with a fixed amount of time in our limited lifetime, the less time spent on things we dislike, the more time we have for our own enjoyment. Got it?

Today is the first day of summer school for my daughter. The school runs 7 AM to noon, Monday to Friday, for six weeks from 6/8 to 7/24, with one week break around 4th of July week. The whole family got up bright and early today, getting her ready for the first day at SMW High at 85th Street and Antioch.

The plan is if one adult sends her to the school in the morning, the other adult will fetch her back after school at noon. It really takes two persons to be of her service. She wanted to take summer courses last year but was not able to get the cooperation from another adult in the family. 2008 was a bad year for her. She felt bad for not being able to go to some class last summer.

Today during lunch break, one of the adults went to her school, got her some lunch on the way, then would drive her to skating place directly at 135th street and Quivira, about 13 miles, where she would skate in the afternoon till I got off from work and took her home.

I told my colleagues that I would have to go to SMW during lunch break. They looked somewhat puzzled over her taking high school course during summer when she could stay home doing nothing for the summer. I have to credit my daughter tremendously for taking on this task and her willingness to work through an otherwise lazy and relaxing summer. I am also glad to see that she chooses to go her own way regardless what everybody is going.

Sunday morning, my mind flashed back to six years ago when my son first started teaching Chinese to a family of four. He was 14 years old. I used to prepare lessons for him, teaching him how to read and write right before the class. Both of my children can speak fluently in Chinese, without accent. They are comfortable with it as long as you don’t ask them to read and write.

Time relentlessly rushed by. I missed those days when I drove him to that American family on Sunday morning. At that time, many Chinese American children went to Chinese Sunday school, learning Chinese. But not my children. If they expressed the desire to learn, I could always teach, not that I am a great teacher but that at least we didn’t have to pay.

Now looking back, I don’t think they really miss anything by not going to a Chinese school. Their spoken Chinese is good enough for them to pass for native Chinese when they are in China. A 13-year-old neighboring Chinese girl went to that school but still speaks so like a native American and is so limited in her ability to express herself in Chinese. She is not alone in that. While my daughter listens to Chinese stories and songs, the neighboring girl cannot comprehend. What can I say?

There are so many things that we can learn from our children. We just need to listen with our conscience and open minds. Today, when a handicapped person came along on a wheelchair, my daughter told me not to stare at that person because it was not polite. Yesterday at skating place I kept making comments on some skaters. My daughter kept reminding me, “Please, don’t be so judgemental.”

I only made comments not judgement, thought I. Yet, to her, they must sound so much not like comments. To be sure, I did not make favorable comments. And those unfavorable ones must sound raspy to the ear if not to the nerves. At least, they were not fairly made. How comes I am not aware of it and she is sensitive about it? Have I become so callous and careless about throwing around unfair comments?

Once again, I realize that we adults are too full of prejudices to be even kind and fair in our comments. Time to rejuvenize our mind and learn something good from our youngsters.

About a decade ago, a Chinese colleague of mine told me that his son was at Washington University in St Louis, MO, a very bright boy. The boy wanted to go for biology, but was asked to study computer science. So he did. He moved back to Kansas City upon graduation and got a consultant job as a programmer, and then lived happily ever after.

I had another Chinese colleague back at Sprint whose son graduated from Michigan University in Ann Arbor and back to the beloved Kansas hometown after graduation.

I can understand their need to live closer to their parents and former friends. Yet, still this is quite beyond my humble comprehension when I think of the fact that their parents travelled far away from their homeland, leaving behind their families in China and everything they have grown up with, so dear and familiar, to come to this land separated by more than thousands of miles, so that their children would have a better chance in life and could live to their fullest potential. Now these children chose to hover close by instead of soaring far and high. Well, I might be wrong. They might have found their dream best realized in Kansas. No judgment. Just a bit surprised. Well, also a bit guilty for choosing this topic. After all, live and let live.

Mark Twain once said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” So inspiring! Did he miss his parents? Just wondering. Enjoy this Spring Saturday, double joy.

Not long ago I received, to my pleasant surprise, an email from a friend of mine back to the time when we were in our 20s. We have been separated by vast distance in time and space. Many people come and go in my life, but not this one. It is not only because we used to have a lot in common; more importantly, with the vicissitudes of life, she remains pure as a newborn in her heart, her kind nature only being reinforced with the passing of time.

Though we have embarked on a different path with her devoting herself full-time to the service of God, helping the unfortunates with all her mights and me with this earthly occupation, we have remained unchanged in our own way. The memory of her always reminds me of the pure land of youth and ideals, unburdened with wear and tear, of what we once were, untarnished by any selfish motives.

I shared with my children the photos she sent to remind them of their duty and responsibilities to those underprivileged children.  I am hoping that children growing up here could be aware of other kind of life.  Click the photo nail to view, then click back button to go back.