This is a sad case of life and death and of building a house on one pillar.
Every time I see an Asian patient at our clinic, my mind drifts back to a colleague of mine back in late 1990s. I remember vividly when they were at our place and I talked to him about his wife staying home with the children. I said, “It’s better that your wife has some kind of job instead of staying at home. It always brings more security if both have jobs.” He said jokingly, “Don’t worry. I won’t die that soon.”

I felt a bit stung at his word, as if I was trying to jinx him. “Hey, I don’t mean that. I mean no job is secure and you feel a little secure if both of you work, at least the benefits will continue if one lost the job. I would think it a good idea for your wife to take some classes or training while she is young and just get ready for a job.” They were about mid-30s then. He sounded so full of confidence at that time. I know how nasty I can be when it comes to giving unwelcome advice. I always feel like slapping my face afterwards.

During the Thanksgiving of 2004, I saw him again at a Chinese church, so delightful seeing him with his 2-year-old son, as young and handsome as before. We had kept in touch over the phone and seldom saw each other. There was no sign of illness at that time. But who knows that was the last time that I ever saw him. I was totally shocked and speechless when I learned that he passed away in less than a year of brain cancer and he was about 41 years old, leaving behind three children and a jobless wife. It was about 6 years after we talked about security and he assured me that he would not die that soon. Life is so fragile and unpredictable.

I know the family has been very close to a Chinese church, which must help the widow and the children more than I can imagine. Then again, I keep wondering if he could have been better off during Sprint massive layoff in 2001-2003 had he listened to my advice, because I learned over the phone that he was overcome with worries, fear, and anxiety – a long range of negative feelings, enough to crush an iron-man, so much so that he did not sleep for the week before the announcement of layoff. I could feel his burden with three children, a house, a wife, all depending on his precarious paycheck, like a big mansion standing on one pillar. But I would not talk about his wife’s job any more.

Life is so unpredictable and beyond our control. It gets even more scary for many first generation immigrants here when we don’t have our extended family here to tide over any misfortune. Here comes the cross-standing church building, our forever dependable pillar, emotional one at least. Still, I would advice against building your mansion on one pillar, like that “Dear Departed.”