Last week, the title of a book caught me eyes when I was at local library, “Building Moral Intelligence — The Seven Essential Virtue That Teaches Kids to Do the Right Thing” by Michele Borba. Interesting title. I know IQ and EQ and now comes MQ.  It claims to be “The complete plan for raising kids from 3 to 15.  Too late for me when my youngest one is already 13.  Still, I flipped through the book for miracle cure.

The book’s talk on self-control reminds me of a book on EQ, emotional intelligence.  Indeed, there are some similarities.  Here are “the stages of self-control development’ which I thought some parents with younger children might find it helpful:

Stage 1 — formation of a secure base, birth to 1 year
Stage 2 –external control orientation, 1 to 3 years
Stage 3 –rigid rule-following, 3 to 6 years
Stage 4 –awareness of impulses, 6 to 12 years. “The child uses inner thoughts to direct his behavior and manage impulses. He learns beginning problem-solving skills and develops a stronger awareness of his behavior.”
Stage 5 –internal control orientation, 12 to 20 years. At this stage, “The child acquires more sophisticated problem-solving skills and is much more aware of her own behavioral urges and triggers.” p. 113.

There are many thought-provoking statements throughout the book. One of them is “The deadliest scenario for moral development is one in which the child grows up believing that she should do something only if she’s given something in return.” p. 102.

There are something that everybody should do even if there is no guarantee of something in return, something like duties and responsibilities, at school and at home, that each one of us, children included, must take care of everyday.

I am glad that I have never paid my children to do household duties like some American parents do. Yet, they have seldom pitched in around the house, like I did helping my mother when I was their age.  Regarding household work, it is no exaggeration to say that they are as lazy as you can imagine.  Probably because I have never paid them.  But who pays me to work second shift at home, cooking, cleaning, and all the nameless and backbreaking non-stop drudgeries? 

Sometimes, my daughter even uses her study to bargain with me.  For example, she will work on her SAT if I take her to clothes shopping.   

This marks the failed part of my parenting.  Not pleasant to think about but it is true. I only hope they will become mature and willing to help around someday, if not at home at some other places, willing to volunteer and make contributions without bargaining for venal gain of whatever form.  I will check their progress in one year, if I can remember it.  Hopefully, I forget it, right?

Now I do learn something from this book, a big discovery!  Indeed.