An ideal self — Carl Rogers
When my son went to college, I was torn by an inner struggle — on the one hand, I wanted to know what was going on with him and, as before, keep a watch on him, not so close though; on the other hand, I realized it was high time that I let go of him so that he could make his own decisions and develop into an independent and responsible individual. It was high time that I stopped being the one behind him pushing him forward, as if he needed me. But there got to be something else that motivates him. What a worry-headed mom!
I wrote to my son about my dilemma in a long letter to him. I handed the letter to him when I went to Boston last October, making sure he read it. Below is part of the letter on ideal self advocated by Carl Rogers. This only reflects my understanding of his theory, which may not be what he had in mind when he wrote it. Sub-consciously I must be looking for a surrogate mom.
Psychologist Carl Rogers believed there exists in most of us a self-perceived self, a real self, and an ideal self. The ideal self is the one we aspire to be. For some people, the ideal dies with the passing of their youth years. Yet, I think the ideal self is extremely important in our life — it shapes our vision, influences and determines to some extent our future.
It is the ultimate internal driving force that keeps the momentum going throughout our life and keeps leading us toward a higher level of existence. It serves as a beacon illuminating our life’s journey, a goal, a star for us to chase, and the best spiritual company. If we realize it, that ideal no longer exists and that inner force dies, and we cease to find life meaningful. So sad.
To my pleasant surprise, last winter he told me what his ideal self was. I don’t remember what his ideal self is. But I am glad he remembers it.
As a middle age mom, do you still have your ideal self? I believe you do. I never think of it that way. Being young is the most valuable fortune. Well, it never be later if start now.
Your comment reminds me of a conversation that I had with my daughter. I told her, “When I was your age, I often said, ‘When I grow up, I will become ….’ What do you think if I say these words now?” With that, I said exact the same words. That really cracked her tummy with a roaring laughter. It is both funny and sad that you cannot say these words when you are already a grown up. The youth days once gone is forever gone. To me, keeping that ideal self is a comfort against that unavoidable sad gone past.
About your question on my ideal self, yes I do. We all have as long as we believe we can be better than we are now if we honest efforts. Well, not many people think this way, though.
Thanks for your input.